The Power of Forgetting (29 page)

‘When the time
comes you will understand.’

‘Is this about
what Rimmington wants from me?’

‘Yes.’

‘Does he want
to use you?’

‘Yes;
probably.’

‘Dear Lady! I
want you to run away from here! Just run; please!’

‘You are
freeing me from the team?’

‘If you
like.’

‘You want me to
hide?’

‘I want you to
be safe.’

‘When shall I
go?’

‘Today….’ But
she was leaning nearer to me; bending over me. I could feel that
magnetic beat of something so wild inside. She was like the fire
inside my heart. Secret fire. Secret loathing; and longing and
desire. But now it was different. This creature had drawn the
poison of my dark side. She kissed me. Curling her tongue into the
edge of my mouth. I was breathing faster and faster and my vision
decreased down to her; just her. Suddenly she tumbled me over onto
to my back; and was astride me in a moment. I groaned once. I felt
weak with desire and she was so very strong. Like a tree is strong.
Or some green growing thing. I melted into her. And she was rocking
over me like the waves beating the shore. Every nerve was straining
to focus into this golden creature; this dream of a woman. She
touched me in ways I cannot explain. And I remembered then; I
remember in that window of a moment, that same force of nature
bearing down on me taking what I am and drawing it into cool water
and the heat of the sun. I can hear myself gasping as she tightens
her legs around me. Everything is focused down and down into that
part of a man that ends up ruling the reason, and erasing any
sense, intelligence or common sense I have left. Seducer; a sprite
with golden hair. I feel everything implode into a million
fragments. And she is kissing me and crying…

‘I will leave
in a few minutes…. but I will be here whenever you call. I promise
to help you; and not to harm you. I promise to help your friends
and hide you from your enemies. I will not be commanded by any
other. Amber’s name is good. And I will tell you my true name the
next time we meet.

‘Amber….’ I
said trying to lift my head.

‘Shhh…. wait.
Then I will be leaving; but not forever. Call me when you need me.
Wait a few moments…. until I have gone…. Beloved Man. I know that
in the end, you cannot be mine…. But I would die on this thorn,
rather than sleep until the world is about to finish its story. To
be human…. to break a heart; then I know I have one….’ she kissed
me again; and lifted herself from me. Then Amber touched my cheek
stroking along my beard and then down my shoulder. She stood
looking down upon me, and then smiled. She walked away to my right
out of my sight.

I sat up
suddenly, my head spinning as the blood pressure readjusted.
‘Amber…. I….’ I looked all around. The beach was empty. I felt
hollow and cold. I stood up then and stumbled to the fringe of the
wavelets. With a cry of rage, I flung myself into the crashing
foam. The shock seemed to wake me up and washed away the feeling of
hazy guilt and loneliness. I plunged my face in several times until
I felt chilled and awake on the other side of the world. The beach
seemed normal; not magical; but still beautiful. She had gone. And
we would be leaving to walk into the Lion’s den. Tomorrow perhaps?
What other choice did we have?

They are still
there, looking at the screen. I feel so much has happened in the
last forty odd minutes that I cannot understand why no one has
moved.

'That was
quick; did you change your mind?' Marcia is flicking her hair back
over her shoulder. It is a dominant gesture; perhaps defiant of
others, but I'm not sure what she means really.

'How long have
I been?' I asked and edge into a camping chair.

Oliver stares
at his watch. I automatically look at mine as well. Ten
twenty-five....

I sit there
while the others finish the assessment of the black box data. What
the hell is going on?

I had been gone
less than ten minutes. I sit very still. It is a moment that could
be a watershed for everything. I wait as the water level inside my
mind rises; things float free and start to slide upwards to the
surface. There is only one question that needs answering: Is Janey
still here?

Joe comes in;
'Oliver!' he sees me and frowns. In my paranoid state I think he
can see my thoughts, and know what has just happened.

'That's it'
Davey is saving files.

'We really
don't have much time.' Marcia looks thoughtful, 'Ah! Joe.... Did
she tell you how many other scientists are in this Nimbus lab?'

'Yeah,' Joe
holds out the journal, 'It includes several copies. We need to
decide what we will do if we meet them. We might need to do things
that could be regarded as distasteful.'

'Let's not jump
ahead.' Marcia stood up, 'Everyone needs to eat. And then we'll
break camp. I've no intention of making this easy for them. Even if
they do know where we are.'

'Who do you
want on equipment packing?' Davey closes down the tough lid on the
terminal and looks at me.

'Not yet,'
Marcia motions to Joe, 'Mark her.' she hands him the felt pen. Joe
takes Oliver with him. Davey is still looking at me. I know that he
knows that something has gone weird. But he just stands and holds
out a hand to me, pulling me upright again. 'Let's do lunch.' he
turns to Marcia who nods.

'I'll be
through in a minute.' she said.

'Okay....what
is it?' Davey and I are getting lunch ready. He pauses, knife in
hand; glancing sideways as he speaks.

'Nothing.' I
put another cup down on a tray.

'Your hair was
wet.' he carries on slicing cheese.

'Yes.'

'I remember
this....'

'Oh?' milk now
going in.

'It's a
parallel.' Davey said, 'You were like this in the caves.'

I turned away
then, and waited for more hot water.

'I will stick
with it. Whatever happens.' he says, 'You know why don't you?'

I turn towards
him. Our eyes meet. Something about him always surprises me.
Naivety? Or a childlike innocence?

'Yes David.' I
hear myself say, 'I know why. I just hope your faith in others is
justified.'

He just smiles;
and then carries on putting all the sandwiches onto plates.

Half an hour
later I am totally confused. Janey is sitting there primly eating
sandwiches. She looks a little pained, but each moment is swallowed
up with joy. She smiles at all of us as if she is seeing us for the
first time. I cannot bear it. Who was the woman who made love to me
on the beach? I betrayed my Eve. I feel so bad, so hollow, and so
alone. Marcia smiles at me then, and I look at her with tears in my
eyes. It is so wrong. This thing that I have done. It was a
compulsion, an obsession. Was it love? No. but then Davey leans
towards me and whispers ‘Jared…. what’s wrong?’

I turned away.
I am trying to hide; but he knows. Yes, he always knows. Like some
confessional. This boy has become the man I had hoped to be. We are
the same age, yet we seem so different.

‘Take me out of
here.’ I say.

We go outside.
And before the decreed deconstruction of the dome and Marcia’s
check lists ticked…. There I confess to my friend. He is calm,
reasonable. And gently chides me for being so hard on myself.

‘Come now.
That’s not the worst thing that anyone has ever done!’

‘Well what is?’
I say miserably bowing my head, then look up, surprised, ‘You’re
not angry with me?’

‘No.’

‘But why
not?’

‘Jared…. she
told me all about it. Everything. Your sister understands your
struggle better than you think. She is not blind to your pain. She
wants you to be…. Well. We want to help you. But while you have
this, erm…. Obsessive love for her; she doesn’t know how she cannot
make it worse for you. She cares about you deeply; and she has
never been….err… with you in that sense. It was all that other….
That double…. We know that is true. We know that is what happened
to you. Someone is trying to push you over the edge. They want you
to lose control. They want you to find no place to hide. They need
you to break.’ He puts both hands on my shoulders, ‘did you think
we did not understand?’

‘I’m
sorry.’

‘For what?’

‘For
everything….’ Why did Davey have to be so kind? And Janey too?
Sister! What have I done to you?

I sit still a
long time after that. Janey…. And Davey. I see it now. And this
other…. What is she?

‘Keep her away
from me.’ I say.

‘Yes of
course.’ Davey stands up, ‘I’ll get you a tea, and then we’ll get
the equipment cases filled, together.’

‘Alright.’ I am
lighter, relieved. I see her at a distance. But she doesn’t come
near me. I want nothing else to come into to my mind and disturb
its fragile peace. Oliver is helping Marcia with the logistics.
With fewer people on the crew we need to cut a few corners. This
could take hours. But I think Marcia and Oliver have worked out a
way to get the camp down quickly.

Later we are on
our way again. Oliver is driving. I am in the back. I lay down on
the long seats exhausted. I fell asleep then and dreamed. I can’t
remember what it was, but when I wake she is looking at me. Janey
Amber…. or whoever she is.

‘Jared?’ she
says.

I just stare.
We are into hilly grassy country now. It is not five miles away. It
is a lot longer than that. Oliver is annoyed Marcia keeping looking
at the map. This Janey sits looking benign and sweet. She doesn’t
speak to anyone else, unless they speak first. It is different with
me.

‘Jared?’ she
asks again.

‘What is it?’
out of the corner of my eye I see Davey waiting carefully. He’s
ready to step in if things become complicated.

‘Please tell me
you are okay with this?’ she stares at me curiously, expectant
even. I feel? Invaded….

‘No.’ that
hardness that I have attempted to eradicate from myself is come
back again full force. She seems taken aback. Davey shifts in his
seat.

‘Okay!’
Marcia’s voice is like a shock of cold water, ‘there is trouble
ahead. Get ready!’

We see
something like a mist in the distance. It is weird. It reminds me
of something from the past. What?

‘Outside
temperature is dropping…. Okay folks we’ll stop now”!’ Marcia turns
round in the navigator’s seat. Joe goes to the back to get the ice
suits out without any further prompting.

We slide into
the layers of the suits with a little reluctance. But the
temperature seems to be bottoming out even as we stand still on
this avenue of tropical plants. They look kind of blue and unhappy
like leeks in a freezer.

‘Zero degrees.’
Oliver says, and spears me with a glance. I return it. Something
feels familiar. Safe even.

‘What’s is the
rate of drop?’ I say to him.

‘About five
degrees per minute. And it’s getting strange. The landscape behind
us seems to be freezing up as well.’

‘What is the
last reading when we could get a relay signal?’

‘Five degrees.’
Oliver seems worried, ‘There’s something very creepy about this.’
He adds.

‘It the outer
protection for the base.’ Janey says.

‘Now look
woman!’ Oliver is firm and loud, ‘if you want to make us into
frozen fish for tea why didn’t you say something earlier?’

‘No one asked.’
she said, ‘besides; It is hard for you to picture what it’s like
from my point of view. This should only last about quarter of an
hour. Then you will see a rise of the outer temperature. And you
can take off the suits.’

‘If you don’t
mind. I won’t be taking you word for that!’ I can see Oliver’s
face. He’s getting quite hacked off with this bit of the journey.
It’s as if he can sense the kind of trouble we are in before it
even happens.

We come to a
turn. There it is…. Some sort of rocky wall and a narrow gap. We
will just fit through. Olivier stopped the transport. ‘This is
insane. We need to do a recce. We cannot just drive into a
trap!’

‘Alright. Take
the small ruck sacks and the breathing sets. I want you both on the
open channel at all times.’

‘Who?

‘You and Jared.
Snap to it boys!’

We had our
orders. And even though I was uncertain about the wisdom of leaving
Marcia, Davey and Joe with Janey. I felt that on the whole we
needed to see what really was ahead, before we drove straight into
something that we couldn’t get out of.

As it turned
out. A few yards ahead, there was clear way to get through. We
returned to the transport, and slowly piloted it through this short
channel. Oliver muttered something about being “blessed by the holy
mother beyond our deserving”; and after muttering to himself in
Welsh, in a low torrent of comment that sounded suspiciously like
prayers of thanks for safe deliverance; we found a quiet little
valley with a hill just above, only a few feet high. The signal for
the relay was good here.

‘We need to get
below the snow and ice.’ said Janey Amber.

I didn’t dare
venture an opinion. But Oliver’s feelings of disquiet boiled over
then, ’Just shut the fuck up!!’ he said, and glared at her.

For such a God
fearing Man, he really knew how to use the choice expletives when
the occasion demanded it. The freaky weather showed no signs of
abating. And despite reassurances from Janey that we would be out
of this if we just dropped a few hundred feet; Marcia said that we
would camp there.

It was like our
time in the cloud fields. Strange that it should be so comforting.
I volunteered to set temperature spikes. And with Davey’s help we
set four, several yards apart.