The Power of Forgetting (32 page)

I’ve done it! A
time stop; just like at the forest glade…. the anomaly had been
just like that; a glassy pebbled window. And mercifully I am free
of pain for the first time in hours. So how do I do this? I look
upwards….at the sky. That perfect blue; with the fringed white
purity of clouds.

Quite suddenly
I drop to my knees. I am breathing faster and harder; an energy
boiling out of me…. A black fire coming from that dark place. There
is a mist in front of my eyes; and then I am afraid….

It is worse
than before; like dog shaking a rat, this dark thing hurls itself
against the door. This time I don’t shut it out.

‘I tell you to
leave! You can go now; leave me!’ then I am coughing violently, and
with a hot pain that feels like vomit, something roars through my
throat.

I am
underwater. I cannot breathe. I put my hands to my face. God help
me! I scream inside my mind over and over. Every door is open to
let it out. I don’t control it; don’t push it down. I tell it again
to go….

I can breathe.
I gasp; and then cough in a bout that seems to last too long. The
air is tearing at my lungs and throat. I spit something out onto
the ground. Then with one last reflex of my diaphragm it is
expelled. I feel it leave. Something tumbles over and over away
from me. I’m crying with relief and shock. I spit blood out of my
mouth: ‘Oh God help me! Please! I want to be clean… to be whole
again. Let me be on the good side…. I want to be sane…help me….
please help me….’ it ends as I cry into the earth. My ribs ache.
That frightened child is here again, sobbing from fear and
loneliness.

There is a
moment then…. when I know, and I remember. I chose this way now.
This path. I feel calmer. Slowly everything cools; is still. There
is a coolness inside. The ends of the earth; and the flowers of the
field. In my mind’s eye I see them. Silver flowers. I look up. And
the path is clear this time. An Angel does not bar the way. I see a
strip of land… of sparkling sand. And I stand up. There is a Man.
He walks towards me. Am I dreaming? In this place I am not
afraid.

In my dream…if
it is a dream. He stops a little way from me. What way will you go
Jared, son of Leo?

“I don’t know.”
I reply.

Then turn and
look; and chose, for I lay the path at your feet. And since you
have called to me in this hour I will let your choice stand.

“What
choice?”

Then I turn and
see. I realise I am not dreaming. Time has resumed its flow. Marcia
running from the dome. Behind her Joe. There is the shell of me.
Laying on the grass, face down. Blood staining my lips, and ashen
faced.

“Am I dead?” I
asked him. A movement to my left catches my eye. A pile of dusty
feathers, that shakily forms itself into the faded figure of an
angel. He stands up looking doddery and creased. The whole body is
covered with a fine layer of ash, whitish and powdery. This
creature sees the Man and on its knees prostrates itself before
him. I see the feathers vibrate. It seems to be trembling with
fear; or it is in awe of this person. The Man calmly regards me
with eyes of love, and of fire and water. He is wearing a shirt and
slacks; they are like my own. They are purple and blue. I love the
colours….so richly deep so fine; so pure. I see what I have tried
to say as I paint. I wouldn’t not need to paint anymore. For here
is the original, the real. No longer the shadow or the copy.

I look again at
the little scene before me. And as I concentrate the sound comes to
me. There is a line of silver that connects me to the form of the
Man on the ground. It is still me then. I am still connected. I
have not left. Just stepped right out of myself for a few minutes.
This isn’t like Cloud field. Not like before…. This is a real
choice; and I am free of that burden and that weight. I look at my
broken body. I see them turn him over. He is lifeless and the arms
fall outwards to each side. Joe feels for a pulse. Then he starts
CPR. Marcia runs to the dome like a scared rabbit. Less than thirty
seconds later she returns with blankets and the larger case: crash
kit.

I look at that
Man. He came to me. I am not alone. But then I realise that Marcia
must feel alone. I look to the side. To the dusty angel.

“Stand up!” I
say to him. He obeys but keeps his head bowed. He dares not look at
the peaceful Man who stands by me.

“Look at Me.”
And then he does. And it is so pitiful; so pathetic; a cringing
wreak that trembles at my voice. Yet while he was inside me it felt
like darkness and fire and madness. But that was me…. He and I; we
were joined because we were afraid. He ran inside my body to escape
from his fear all those years ago. Because of fear. And now I am
not afraid….

A curious thing
happened then: a very curious thing; I saw why he did it. He worked
for those oily creatures, and they had told him that if a bright
angel catches you, it will be mincemeat for you! But they had put
away their swords. I remembered it right. They weren’t talking
about me; but him: “Don’t frighten him.” they said. They meant
this. This faded shadow. He wasn’t black anymore; he had
changed.

“What is your
name?” I asked him

“I have no name
that I can remember Master.” I recoiled from that voice. It had
lost its potency but not its coldness.

When I did not
answer; a shudder went through this sad thing from head to
wingtips.

I looked at the
Man beside me. “What should I do?”

Be guided by
the greatest thing.

“What is the
greatest thing there is?”

Instead of
answering he pointed. I turned. There they were: Davey and Oliver,
and with them Janey and Hanson! They all crowded round. Trying to
help me. Marcia sat back in shock. They kept going.

“Clear!”
shouted Joe. The body springing with lines of fire but nothing
doing yet. They kept going. Janey had the case. Hanson helped her:
“But which one shall we give him?” Janey looked to Joe, horror
filling her countenance.

Oliver gripped
her shoulder. “Calm now Lady. Calm. And think…. Work it out; a few
seconds.”

I could see her
lips moving doing the arithmetic in her head. A life depended on
the right dose of antidote. Too little would not stop the further
damage; too much would overload the liver and kidneys itself. She
was shaking. Hanson put his hands over hers; and helped her get the
hypo filled. A large dose, nearly maximum, but not quite.

‘You’ll have to
do it.’ Janey said to Hanson, ‘I can’t….’

‘Okay.’ He
said, ‘Let me.’

Joe found the
vein and wiped the spot. Hanson expertly laid the needle against
the flesh and injected the bluish liquid smoothly.

This had all
happened in a few seconds. They all stared at the body of Jared.
They had the nozzle over the mouth and nose.

‘Oh no!’ Janey
stared. She went to Marcia and hugged her. Marcia just crumpled,
sobbing in pain. Janey looked up as the four men carried on working
on him.

Suddenly a cry;
loud; insistent, uncompromising:

‘Take me! Take
me instead! Do you hear me? Do you?!’ Janey was screaming at the
top of her lungs; ‘I can’t bear it. I cannot let Marcia be
destroyed like this!! Do you hear Me!!!’

Then a few
seconds later: ‘I won’t work for you; if you take him now! I can’t
do it. My life…. take it if it brings him back!!!’

She seemed to
be saying something more softly then: ‘Jared! Oh Jared! Little
brother. I loved you, my whole life…. What happened to you? Don’t
you know we love you? Don’t you know how much we love you? Can you
hear me Jared? Listen to me…. Marcia needs you; she will not come
back from this Jared. She will not. Don’t you see? They are
stronger than her; let him have me in your place….so her heart will
not be broken….’

Enough! The man
held up his hand, the scene froze completely. He looked at me.

I touched my
face; there were no tears this time. But somewhere there were.
Perhaps they were not mine.

I turned back
to the dusty Angel. He slowly looked up into my eyes; an odd look.
He had seen what I had seen just now.

‘I know why.’ I
said, ‘and I forgive you.’

I little shiver
travelled through the dusty Angel; its lips parted in an “Oh!” of
surprize.

It seemed to
collect itself; ‘then master; I am in your debt. I will serve you.
I will obey you from henceforward.’

‘No! I mean…
that won’t be necessary. I require no payment. You are free to
go.’

‘What?’ It
seemed flustered, uncomprehending. It looked from the right to the
left and then back at me: ‘free?’

‘Yes.’

‘You are
setting me free?’

‘You are
free.’

‘You will not
send me back to the other camp?’

‘No.’

‘I can stay
here?’

‘Yes. I
suppose…. if you decide. But you must not inhabit anyone else.’

He shuddered;
‘Not likely. It was very cramped. You are…. complicated Jared, son
of Leo.’ Here he bowed to the Man, and seemed to shiver again:
‘Master?’

I looked at the
Man, who held out his hand for me to continue.

‘What do you
chose to do?’ I asked the Dusty Angel.

‘I think I
should like to stay and do something useful. Is that the way to put
it?’ he looked at me and his face seemed younger, brighter, and his
feathers were a soft grey colour that was very like a pigeon’s
feathers in colour.

‘What colour
should I wear? And what name should I bear?’

‘You mean you
really have no name?’

‘No…. my
master. It was lost. I need a new name. If they name me, it will be
something horrid and binding.’ He glanced upwards then, ‘I want to
take flight again.’ He looked to the Man, but I wasn’t quite sure
if he could see the Man beside me.

‘You are with
him. And I wish to serve him again…. will you ask him for me?’

I turned
perplexed, by this strange request, but asked none the less.

He must perform
three acts of righteousness, without seeking the wrong rewards.
Then he may sit at my table again.

I communicated
this to the Dusty Angel, who nodded.

‘It is good…. I
will delight in this path. But I still need a name.’

Again I looked
to the Man: This is not for him to earn my mercy; but to test its
firmness. For the moment you forgave him, he was forgiven. But if
he runs into any of his old comrades; they will not take much
notice of an angel with a personal quest… they will think him….
Completely insane…and therefore leave him alone. He has a path.
This will sign post the way. But you must name him.

‘Isn’t that
your job?’

No. I gave the
naming of things to people. I just did everything else. Here he
smiled; the beat of my spirit quickened with joy at this smile.

I thought about
it. About the things I had seen; then curiously about the tattoo.
The colours of red and green. The heliotrope stone. The drops were
Jasper. It was the “martyr’s stone” they were the representation of
sacrifice. Was that too corny? But it was a good name. Earth
colours which were bright and true.

‘Jasper.’ I
said.

‘Yes.’ He
replied straight away.

‘That shall be
your name.’

‘Thank you…’ he
smiled. And then seemed a little less creased. He ruffled his wings
and then folded them behind his back. They melted into his back and
disappeared. His clothes seemed a little old fashioned, and were of
ochre and dun colours.

‘Very good,’ I
said, ‘you may want to rethink the outfit too.’

‘My attire….it
needs to be updated….’ He shook himself. He was then wearing a
shirt and jeans. They looked suspiciously like some I had at my
parent’s house.

‘I liked them.’
He shrugged, and added, ‘I saw them. It a copy of that form.
Stealing is quite out of the question now. As I have a mission to
complete. I will help you if you ask me. That is what I…. chose to
do.’ He smiled then as the novel idea of having a choice was like a
new toy.

‘Help me?’ my
turn to be surprized.

Here he bowed
to me. ‘Jared Jay Vincey; son of Leo Vincey; going by the name of
Arden. I salute you. And I will serve You or your kin, direct and
adopted, whenever you ask. All you need to do is call my name!’

I turned to the
Man, he nodded in agreement. I looked to Jasper then: ‘very well. I
will call you if I am in need of assistance. I won’t do this unless
I’m really in a Jam.’

‘Jam?’ he
looked confused.

‘In
trouble.’

‘Ah! Yes.
That’s it. I will go now.’ He bowed again; then lightly tapped the
surface of the air in front of him. A ripple appeared. He put his
hand into it to open it wider, and then stepped through. The ripple
shrank down to the size of a tennis ball then popped like a

I knew what
must happen now. I had to make a choice. The Man stood by my side.
He stared into my eyes. ‘Do you understand?’ he asked me. And now
he was closer and more real. A friend. Just like Davey or the
others. Or like Marcia. Someone who loved me…. enduringly.

‘I think so. I
can choose to go back?’

‘Yes.’

‘But what if I
don’t do that?’

‘There are some
things that later you will want to change. Broken hearts are one of
my main concerns. I consider each case on its merits. You have to
take them all into account. I consider beyond that. Lines of
consequence. Thing beyond working out. To tie everything together….
everything affecting everything else. Well that is tricky!’

‘You do that? I
mean all the time?’ I felt a little silly then.

‘Yes. For even
in our mistakes, we can find the path to mercy.’

‘Jasper.’

‘He was already
on the point of turning. But they would have ripped him to shreds
if they knew. I allowed this, so that you would keep him safe, and
he would decide to turn anew to me.’