The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (60 page)

Children talk best if you ask open-ended questions. Try, "What did you like about your trip to the zoo?" rather than "Did you have a good time at the zoo?" The second question can be answered by a yes or no and tells you little about what the child is thinking. Once you've asked some questions, you might share your memories about going to the zoo.

Informal conversation is a child asking questions and receiving answers. Conversation is one of the essential tools of successful parenting. When your wife sees you talking and listening to your child, her respect for you rises. Few things please her more than knowing that you care enough to spend time conversing with your children. After all, the Bible is clear that children are a blessing and gift from the Lord. Make sure you treat them that way.

Father God, thank you for being a loving heavenly Father to me-one who is always ready to listen. Please help me to be a loving parent to my children as well. May my relationship with my spouse be strengthened as we lovingly rear the children you have given us.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. EPHESIANS 4:2

WHAT YOU SEE is not always what you get; life is much more complex than that. Human behavior is almost always motivated by unseen needs that propel us to action. That means that you can see my behavior, but you don't know my underlying motives. After all, even I may not be conscious of my motives. All of us are moved along by these strong inner forces. If we are going to understand each other, we'll have to go beneath the surface.

What are these inner needs that affect our behavior so strongly? They fall into two categories: physical and emotional. Physical needs are easy to understand-for example, thirst, hunger, or sleep. Much of our behavior is motivated by physical needs such as these.

Emotional needs are much more difficult to identify, but they are just as powerful. For example, the need to feel loved and appreciated motivates much of our behavior. If someone gives me affirming words, if I sense that they genuinely care about me, then I am motivated to spend time with that person. That's why learning to meet your spouse's need for love is so important if you want to have a growing marriage.

When you don't understand your spouse's actions, respond patiently and humbly, as the apostle Paul reminds us to do in Ephesians 4. Take a minute to consider the needs that might be behind the behavior. That may give you new insight into what's going on and how to respond.

Father, you know the depths of the human heart. Only you understand all the different things that motivate our behavior. I ask for wisdom and insight into my spouse's actions. Please grant me the grace to respond patiently and thoughtfully, considering what needs maybe behind what I see.

The LORD'S light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive.

PROVERBS 20:27

WHEN WE TRY to understand the "hidden self," we realize that emotional and spiritual needs motivate much of our behavior. If you can understand the motives behind your spouse's behavior, it should help you relate to him or her in a more positive way. Here are some questions to help you in the process.

n' What motivates my spouse's behavior? What needs is he or she consciously or subconsciously trying to meet?

nv What motivates my own behavior? What needs am I trying to meet?

Human behavior is not a mystery, but it does require examination. We must look beyond the behavior to what motivates it. If I understand that my spouse's motive for joining a hunting club is to meet the need for belonging, then maybe I can affirm his behavior even though I would rather he join a volunteer group.

Understanding motives gives us guidance on how to help each other. Only God knows the depths of our hearts and everything that motivates us, as the psalmist makes clear in the passage above. God can guide us as we seek to understand our spouse's actions. If we don't look for motives, we may end up condemning each other's behavior and destroying intimacy. Understanding motivation enables us to be companions rather than competitors.

Lord God, I pray for insight into my spouse's actions that only you can give me. Help me to be patient and understanding. I want our relationship to be strengthened as 1 gain insight into his or her needs. When I'm hurt or confused, please show me how to meet those needs.

Make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves.

LUKE 21:14 (NIV)

DEFENSIVENESS STOPS THE FLOW of communication in a marriage. Imagine that your wife says, "It's about time you took the garbage out. The flies were about to take it out for you." That cutting comment makes something inside you get huffy, and your response is to avoid your wife. So the rest of the evening, no matter what she says, all you do is grunt. If she keeps talking, you leave the room. Or perhaps your response is to say something equally cutting back to her so that she will feel hurt too.

What's going on? What your wife said blasted your self-esteem. Perhaps her message was the same one you used to hear from your mother: "You're irresponsible." No one wants to be an irresponsible person. So when your wife implied you were one, you got defensive and went after her. But remember, your wife is not your enemy. Rather, the message she spoke is the enemy.

Jesus told his disciples that they would face many obstacles and false charges. People would persecute them, but they didn't need to worry about how to defend themselves. Why? First, because the charges weren't valid, and second, because the Holy Spirit would give them the words they needed to say. We're not talking about being persecuted for our faith, of course, but we can still trust God to help us respond appropriately.

Defensiveness indicates that your self-esteem has been attacked. Focus on the right enemy, and you can turn your negative feelings into positive actions.

Lord God, when I feel defensive, please help me to consider the message objectively. If it is true, let me be willing to take steps to make a positive change. If it's not true, help me not to respond angrily but to trust that you will give me the right words to say. Thank you, Lord.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowances for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.