The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (49 page)

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains. PROVERBS 14:13

SOME CHRISTIANS DON'T WANT to accept the fact that they have negative emotions. Anger, fear, disappointment, loneliness, frustration, depression, and sorrow don't fit the stereotype of successful Christian living. We often try to push negative emotions to the back burner and ignore them. That doesn't work very well, as King Solomon noted. We can ignore our negative feelings, but that doesn't make them go away. In fact, ignoring them can actually intensify them.

I believe that it is far more productive to identify and accept our emotions and then seek God's direction regarding what we are feeling. Feelings are like thermometers. They report whether we are hot or cold, whether all is well or not so well. If all is well, we can celebrate by praising God. (There are many biblical examples of this; see Psalm 103 for one.) If emotions indicate that all is not well, we can turn to God for help. (Again, see the Psalms for vivid examples of King David and others bringing strong feelings to God. Psalm 13 is one example.) God will give us wisdom if we need to take action. He can give us comfort if the situation cannot be changed. Always, we should share our emotions with God and seek his guidance.

"Lord, this is how I feel. Now, what do you want me to do about it?" This approach will lead to more insight about yourself, more empathy for your spouse, and more wisdom in your decisions. All this contributes to a growing marriage.

Lord, lam grateful for the Psalms, which show so clearly that you welcome us to express our emotions to you-whether positive or negative. Please help me to do that freely, rather than bottling up my sadness or anger. As you give me comfort and guidance, l know/ will act more wisely, and that will benefit my relationship with my spouse.

Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting-and conflict.

PROVERBS 17:1

DO YOU EVER FEEL like you are married to an alien? Early in your relationship you thought you were so compatible. In fact, you agreed on everything. Now perhaps you wonder how you ever got together, because you are so different. Welcome to the world of reality. The fact is, you are married to a human. Humans don't all think the same way and don't all feel the same way. In short, all human relationships include conflicts. The key is to learn constructive methods for reaching resolution when a conflict arises.

Want to solve your conflicts? Here's an idea. Never discuss disagreements "on the run." Rather, set aside time specifically for resolving conflict. I suggest that once a week you have a "conflict resolution session." The rest of the week, try to focus on the things you like about each other. Make positive comments about your spouse. This creates a healthy climate in which to discuss your conflicts.

When you set aside time to deal with conflict, you avoid having your house continually filled with angry words or frustration-a situation King Solomon clearly found unpalatable, based on what we read above. When you allow room for peace, you will work through your conflicts one by one without destroying your relationship. Every resolved conflict brings you and your loved one closer together.

Heavenly Father, I know that conflict between people is inevitable. Please help us to deal with our differences in away that's helpful, respectful, and deliberate. We want our home to be a place of peace, not a place of continual conflict.

If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself,• but if you listen to correction, yougrow in understanding. PROVERBS 15:31-32

FOR THIRTY YEARS, I've been counseling couples and leading marriageenrichment seminars. I've never met a couple who didn't have conflicts. I've met some who knew how to resolve conflicts, and I've met many who allowed conflicts to destroy their marriage.

In yesterday's devotion, I shared the idea of setting aside time each week for a "conflict resolution session" When you sit down to discuss a conflict, take turns talking. Start with five minutes each. You can have as many turns as needed, but don't interrupt each other with your own ideas. Wait for your turn. According to King Solomon, listening to others-particularly if they have constructive criticism to share with us-makes us wise. When we listen to our spouse, especially in the midst of conflict, we will gain more understanding of ourselves and each other.

You may ask questions to help you understand what your spouse is saying. For example, "Are you saying that you feel disappointed when I play golf on Saturday instead of spending time with you and the children? Are you saying that you would prefer that I not play golf at all?"

After listening, you then have your turn to talk. In this example, you might explain how important golf is to your mental health. Then together you can look for a solution that both of you agree is workable. Listening and seeking to understand each other is crucial in resolving conflicts.

Father, l want to be wise. Please help me to respond the right way when my spouse tells me something 1 don't necessarily want to hear. Help me to think about what is best for our relationship, not just about my own needs.

l praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. PSALM 139:14 (NIV)

ALL COUPLES HAVE CONFLICTS because we are human. Humans are all unique. We all see the world differently. The common mistake is to try to force my spouse to see the world the way I see it. "If she would just think, I know she would agree with me. My way makes sense." The problem is that what makes sense to one person does not always make sense to another. Precision is fine in math and science, but it does not exist in human relationships. As Psalm 139 makes clear, the Lord has made each one of us unique. He formed us and knew us even before we were born. We need to celebrate those differences, not let them frustrate us. We must allow for differences in human perceptions and desires.

Resolving conflicts requires that we treat our spouse's ideas and feelings with respect, not condemnation. The purpose is not to prove our spouse wrong but to find a "meeting of the minds"-a place where the two of us can work together as a team. We don't have to agree in order to resolve a conflict. We simply have to find a workable solution to our differences.

"What would be workable for you?" is a good place to begin. Now we are focusing on resolution rather than differences. Two adults looking for a solution are likely to find one.

Father, this question-What would be workable for you?-is eye opening. How often 1 waste time trying to convince myspouse that mywayis right. Please help me instead to] oin with him or her in looking fora solution that works for both of us. Thank you for making us both unique.