The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (9 page)

When you are fi rst having these practice situations, your baby

might cry right after you leave. Try not to return while he is crying.

You can hide at the door and wait until the caregiver is able to calm

him. Since this is a person your baby trusts, she should be able to

help your child stop crying. Prior to leaving, suggest the activities

most likely to help, such as looking out the window, playing with the

cat, or reading a book. When your baby settles down and is perhaps

even playing happily with the sitter is the best time for you to return.

If you show up during tears, your baby might think it’s the tears that

brought you back! If you return when your baby is happy, it will cre-

ate a positive experience for his memory bank.

If possible, try to do this practice exercise for a few weeks or even a

month or two before your child starts daycare or begins a new sched-

ule with a babysitter.

If having a sitter is going to be a regular event, build up over time

to your full daily stretch. It is helpful to pay for a few warm-up ses-

sions fi rst
while you remain at home
. Stay in the room the fi rst few

times, but as an uninvolved observer as much as possible. If your baby

won’t leave your side, then sit quietly but let the sitter talk and play

with your child. Inch away as they become engaged.

After the fi rst few fully attended sessions, allow the two of them

to get involved in playtime or an activity, then leave the room and

let them get to know each other. If you’ve already played the Bye-Bye

game described earlier in this chapter, you should have no problem

ducking out for a few minutes. You’ll still be close, however, and can

sing, hum, talk on the phone, or whistle if it helps. That way your

child will feel your comforting presence in the house. If things are

going well, then stay out of the room and keep very quiet. Let the

sitter and your baby fi nd their own rhythm together.

No-Cry Solutions for Babies and Toddlers
31

The next step in this process is to have the sitter over and leave

the house for a short time, perhaps twenty minutes. If this goes well,

leave for an hour or two. Then you’ll be set for your full session. With

the short sessions, your child will learn that you can leave, he’ll be

happy and safe with his caregiver, and you will return later. This pat-

tern easily transfers to a longer time period.

When you return home, don’t make it an emotional reunion;

you’ll just call his attention to the fact that the parting was a big deal.

Give him a pleasant hello and a hug and then ask, “Did you have

fun?” This lets your child know you are comfortable and confi dent

with this new arrangement, and he should be too.

Cue the Caregiver’s Helpful Response

It’s a challenge for a caregiver to handle a child who cries as soon as

a parent leaves. Many people are unsure what they should do, and

most often, the instinctual response is a quietly murmured, “It’s okay.

Don’t cry.” This is usually accompanied with tight hugs and soothing

rubs. This may work with some children, but with most, it tends to

have little or no effect. The child’s mind is fi lled with intense emo-

tions, and reassuring words are drowned out by her own voice. In

addition, the overly sympathetic actions convey to the child that the

separation is, indeed, a very big deal.

Instead, suggest that your caregiver attempt to gain the child’s

attention with an active motion, such as cheerful hand clapping,

and a distracting tone of voice that matches the volume and emo-

tion of the child’s response. Here, a more vigorous response, such as,

“Wow! Wow! What’s happening? Look at me! I’m here! I can help!”

is in order. The caregiver’s enthusiasm might be enough to turn the

moment around.

Invite Distractions

Encourage your child’s caregiver to get her involved with a toy or

playtime as you leave. If your schedule permits, get them started

while you are still there. Sit beside them for fi ve minutes and intro-

duce the toy or activity. Then move a few feet away and just watch

32 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

them quietly. (Avoid any supportive comments that call attention to

your presence.) Once they are engaged, say a quick good-bye and go.

By allowing your child to be distracted by an interesting toy, an

activity, or a window-gazing conversation, your leaving becomes less

of a focal point and gives the caregiver a tool to engage your child’s

attention.

Father-Speak

“Our neighbor is a mother of six, grandmother of ten, and

great-grandmother of two. She’s a peaceful woman, and her

experience shows. Our daughter has extreme separation anxi-

ety, but Abuelita (as everyone calls her) scoops her up and

walks her through the garden, pointing out every leaf and bug

with fascination in her voice. Daniela is so enthralled that she

doesn’t resist her like she does other people.”

—Juan, father of one-year-old Daniela

Allow Your Baby the Separation That

She Initiates

Often parents miss excellent opportunities to allow a baby to prac-

tice separation on her own agenda. These are the times during

relaxed playtime when your child spies something new to investi-

gate and moves off to explore. A natural response from a loving par-

ent is to follow along and comment on the source of interest. This

announces your presence and changes the child’s private moment

into a group activity—and misses a chance to allow the child to be

her own company.

So if your little one crawls or toddles off to another room, don’t

rush after her! Peek to be sure she’s safe, of course, but let her know

it is fi ne to go off exploring on her own. You can set your child

up for these self-initiated opportunities by placing new or favor-

ite toys within sight but in another room or a short distance away

from you.

No-Cry Solutions for Babies and Toddlers
33

Professional-Speak

“Solo play encourages independence, self-confi dence, cre-

ativity, and language skills.”

—Maria Luisa Escolar, M.D., developmental pediatrician,

University of North Carolina’s Center for the

Study of Development and Learning

A child-initiated separation is a brilliant time to allow your little

one to experience what a happy separation feels like. Let your baby

have these short, independent play sessions every day. If your baby

is happily playing alone or quietly taking in his surroundings, keep

your distance, enjoy the view, and let him absorb the fact that he
can

be alone and still be safe and happy. This practice will help him deal

with future separations over which he won’t have control. In addi-

tion, being able to play alone is a valuable life skill that will boost

your child’s self-confi dence and inner peace.

Encourage Your Child’s Relationship with

a Lovey

A preferred toy, blanket, or stuffed animal is called a “transitional

object,” because it is a tool for the transition between being with

a parent and being alone. It is a familiar object that gives a child

reassurance that everything is normal. The common (and accurate)

terms for a transitional object are
security blanket
or
lovey
because children develop very strong emotional ties to these items. A lovey

can be a comfort to your child and ease the pain of separation. The

lovey becomes a friend and represents security.

Many children gravitate to a particular blanket or toy on their

own. If you notice this in your child, celebrate this special relation-

ship and respect it. If your child doesn’t have a lovey, you can make

an effort to encourage her. Choose a blanket or stuffed animal that

you think may be a candidate, perhaps something she often touches

or carries. (Mommy’s old T-shirt can make a great lovey for a clingy

34 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

baby.) Choose a lovey wisely if you have a say in the matter, because

it may be around for years to come.

Once you’ve chosen a possibility, keep the item around often, par-

ticularly at bedtime, naptime, and cuddle time. Eventually your child

will gravitate to this special toy or blanket. Then you can rely on it to

help your child during separations.

A word of caution: If your child develops an attachment to a lovey,

make your best effort to own two or three of them. Rotate them so

that one doesn’t become more worn than the others. (The wear and

tear is part of the lovey’s personality.) There is no disaster as great as

a lost or damaged lovey!

Introduce People Gently

When introducing your baby to new people, hold her securely in your

arms. The safety of your embrace will help her feel more comfort-

able with the unknown. Don’t force her to be held or touched by

Grandpa (“Baba”) David and Malky, twenty-two months old

No-Cry Solutions for Babies and Toddlers
35

others if she is not comfortable. This might even
increase
her fear

the next time she faces a close encounter with a stranger. Wait until

she warms up to the person visually before encouraging a physical

connection.

This is also the fi rst lesson in teaching your baby how to protect

herself and her personal space. You do this by showing her that you

respect her wishes and by giving her permission to make choices in

situations regarding her own body.

Understand That People Familiar to You May

Be Strangers to Your Baby

Although you may be very familiar with aunts, uncles, grandparents,

or friends, if your baby hasn’t seen much of these people, he will

categorize them as “strangers.” This isn’t a judgment of your family

members—just an indication that your baby doesn’t know them well.

The toughest challenge is helping these people understand that time

and patience are necessary to help him become more comfortable

with them.

To help your baby accept new people, it’s helpful to keep him

in your arms as you talk to them. You may want to reach out and

hug them or touch them in a loving way to show your baby that you

accept them as friends, and it’s okay for him to do the same.

Provide information to reduce the “stranger’s” feeling of offense.

A simple explanation is a good way to take the edge off the situation.

Say something like, “It takes him a few minutes to warm up to some-

one he doesn’t know well. I read that this is normal for his age.” This

removes the discomfort felt by anyone when a child reacts as if that

person is a threat to his very existence! Once you’ve made this brief

statement, launch into an unrelated topic of conversation. This gives

Key Point

Any person your child does not know well is a stranger to

him.

36 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

your child a chance to regroup and watch this new person without

being the center of attention.

Let Your Baby Set the Pace

Encourage a new person to “ignore” your baby and wait for the baby

to come to her. Explain in advance that your child is in the throes

of separation anxiety and you’ve discovered that letting her initiate

contact helps get things off on the right foot. Doing this can set the

pace for interaction, since the new person won’t take your baby’s cold

shoulder personally.

After allowing your little one some time to observe the newcomer,

give the guest a toy to share with your child. A nice person holding

an interesting toy is easier to accept than one reaching out to hold

or touch your baby. Children are naturally curious, and this strategy

takes the focus off the stress of meeting a new person and instead

places it on the neutral or familiar plaything.

Your child will feel some control over the situation if she’s not

pushed and will be more likely to respond in positive ways to this

visit and in the future when she meets her next new friend.

Let Your Baby Safely Observe More

New People

The more your baby is around new people, the more comfortable he’ll

be with new faces. Expose your child to groups of people in places