The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (6 page)

weeks and bad weeks, and even good years followed by bad weeks.

Separation anxiety has common themes and typical symptoms, but

it shows up differently in every child.

It can be bewildering to parents when their child shifts from con-

fi dence to anxiety and back again many times during the growing-up

years, but this unpredictable behavior is actually very normal. Gain-

ing the maturity and skills to handle many different kinds of separa-

tion with confi dence is a process, not a single event.

Professional-Speak

“A preschooler’s unwillingness to leave a parent or other

beloved adult is a good sign that important attachments have

developed. Many experts believe this capacity is a prerequi-

site for a healthy personality and a satisfying adulthood.”

—The National Parent Information Network

12 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Is Something Wrong if a Child
Doesn’t
Have

Separation Anxiety?

Some children seem to learn early on that any adult can provide the

safety and security they need. These kids are remarkably fl exible and

don’t present any separation anxiety problems. They adapt seamlessly

from one new experience to another and make friends of all ages eas-

ily. The biggest issue with these fearless kids is teaching them enough

“Stranger Danger” lessons to prevent them from wandering off with

a friendly stranger at the park or shopping mall.

Some children don’t have any outward demonstration of separa-

tion anxiety—but they have the feelings nonetheless. While crying,

clinging children can be a frustration, silent, suffering children can

present a real challenge, since their anxiety can simmer quietly or in

ways that are harder to identify.

Almost all children feel some anxiety when facing a new situa-

tion, just as all adults feel some anxiety when starting the fi rst day at

a new job or moving into a new neighborhood. Therefore, it can be

helpful to read over the ideas presented in this book and apply some

of the solutions even with a child who doesn’t present any obvious

Daddy Kariem and Kairo, sixteen months old

All About Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood
13

need. For example, having a specifi c good-bye routine is helpful to all

children, regardless of their anxiety status.

If you have more than one child, it is highly possible that they are

all different: you may have one child who has no anxiety, one who has

silent symptoms, and yet another who exhibits many outward signs of

anxiety. This is a character personality trait that is inborn and then

shaped by various outside infl uences, only some of which originate

with parents. So in a family with many children, you often see vary-

ing degrees and types of anxiety among them. That’s why it is critical

for parents and caregivers to examine each individual child’s needs,

so they can give whatever help that particular child needs to combat

feelings of separation anxiety.

Keep Your Child Emotionally Safe

Parents can become entrenched in their own interpretation of their

child’s behavior. They witness outrageous behavior—like screaming

or tantrums over seemingly ridiculous events, such as a visit from a

loving grandparent—and don’t really understand what’s happening.

It can help to consider the situation from a child’s point of view:

• Children don’t
choose
to have separation anxiety.

• Children don’t enjoy having separation anxiety.

• Children wish they didn’t have separation anxiety.

• Children don’t know how to get rid of their separation

anxiety.

Separation anxiety is a feeling that comes on children unbid-

den and won’t leave easily. Since the feelings are there, it’s a helpful

beginning for your child to know that you understand. It can be reas-

suring to your child to know that what he feels is normal and that

you love him and believe in him even when he struggles, even when

he cries, and even when his behavior makes your life diffi cult.

There are times, of course, when your frustration will show itself in

your words and actions; you are human too, after all. Forgive yourself

those mistakes and work on sending an overall message of love, sup-

port, and acceptance of his feelings. That doesn’t mean you should

14 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

allow your child to control your life with his anxious behavior, nor

does it mean you shouldn’t try to help him let go when he needs to.

It means that when you do, you are sensitive and kind in the way you

approach his feelings.

If Separation Anxiety Is a Sign of Love and

Security, Should I Force Separation?

Separations represent developmental opportunities, but they are only

one piece of the massive jigsaw puzzle that is early childhood. Any

one separation situation does not make or break your child for life.

Any one time that you choose to proceed or to bypass a situation of

separation does not create a lifetime affect. It is the accumulation of

many such situations that takes your child on a journey from being a

totally dependent and attached newborn all the way to his wedding

day.

Timing is important when you forge ahead with separation. There

are moments when pushing for separation serves no productive pur-

pose and simply creates a fl ood of upset in the family. Other times

are ripe for new separation situations, and while they may start out

shaky, they blossom into wonderful learning experiences.

By gently encouraging your child’s separation confi dence at the

right times and in the right ways, you can teach him valuable life les-

sons like these:

• How to fi nd ways to control his emotions in diffi cult situations

• How to handle his emotions about missing the people that he

loves

• How to know that people love him even when they are not

with him

• How to use positive self-talk to convince himself to do things

even when he has worries

• How to persist in unfamiliar or uncomfortable situations

despite emotional challenges or fears

• How to use past successes as evidence that he is capable of

overcoming fears and forging ahead

• How to accept that he is good company for himself

All About Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood
15

Emotions and Situations That Masquerade as

Separation Anxiety

A number of emotions and situations can make it seem that your

child is suffering from separation anxiety because the symptoms are

similar. It’s helpful to review the following list to determine if any of

these situations fi t your child’s experiences. It is possible that your child could have
both
the described emotion
and
separation anxiety, but only you can determine the part that such situations play in your

child’s case. It is easy to misread a child’s response, so you can make

the most accurate determination by keeping an open mind.

•
Lifestyle changes.
A change in a child’s way of life might bring

about symptoms that appear to be separation anxiety but really aren’t.

For example, while fear of sleeping alone can be a symptom of separa-

tion anxiety, not all children who are afraid to sleep alone actually

have separation anxiety. Children who have regularly co-slept with

their parents or siblings may simply be accustomed to sleeping with

another person and fi nd it unsettling when they are required to sleep

alone. Ideas for moving from co-sleeping to independent sleep can be

found on my websit
e (www.nocrysolution.com) o
r in any of my NoCry books on the topic of sleep.

•
Lack of experience or slow adaptation.
If your child has never

been left with a babysitter, never experienced a playdate, or had little

exposure to new people, then these situations can rightly cause some

uncertainty. In these cases, you are dealing with a lack of familiarity

rather than separation anxiety, and practice plus patience during the

adjustment is what is most required.

•
Shyness.
When your preschooler hides his face in your side

and refuses to say a polite “hello” to your friend, your toddler turns

away from the cheerful cashier offering a free sticker, or your baby

cries when an unfamiliar aunt tries to pick her up, you may attribute

this behavior to separation anxiety or stranger anxiety. However, it

may just be a shy child who is uncomfortable around new people or

who is more reserved or slower to warm up in social situations.

•
Fear.
A child who clings tightly to you if you try to leave him

alone in a dark bedroom, a toddler who refuses to leave your side to

climb on the playground toys, or an older child who refuses to join

16 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

a sports team or ride his bike to school—these are all examples of

children who may have fears that appear to be separation anxiety.

Fear of the dark, monsters, the unknown, or being hurt can make it

appear that your child doesn’t want to separate from you, but what

he’s looking for is protection from the object of his trepidation—and

that protection is you. By helping him fi nd ways to feel safe as he ventures out into the world, you can help him overcome these fears.

•
Worry.
Your child may hear a news story about an airplane

crash, a missing person, a war, or another disaster. He might talk to a

friend whose parents recently divorced or whose grandparent passed

away. At these times, he may suddenly fi nd that he can’t control his

worries about you when you are out of sight—so his solution is to stay

by you at all times. If this is your situation, talk to your child about

his concerns. Explain all the steps you take to keep yourself safe.

Allow him to call you or send a text message when possible. If you

stay calm and reassuring, this phase should pass.

•
Embarrassment.
Your previously happy kindergartener sud-

denly begs to stay home from school. Your preschooler won’t leave

your side to ask the librarian she’s talked to many times before to

help her fi nd a book. Your grade-schooler refuses to answer a simple

“How are you?” from a neighbor. In these cases, embarrassment or

awkwardness may be to blame.

Ask a few “why” questions to determine if something has hap-

pened to make your child feel uncomfortable. Perhaps someone

laughed at a question she asked, or she got lost on the way back from

the school library to her classroom. If you can learn what is causing

the embarrassment, you can bring it out into the open. When you

provide reassurance that her experience is normal and help her with

tips on how she can overcome her feelings, you can move her past

the discomforting incident.

Is Your Child’s Separation Anxiety Really

a Problem?

There are times when children must separate from their parents, but

there are also times when separation is
optional.
I have never seen any
All About Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood
17

Mother-Speak

“I’m a teacher and on a school holiday break I wanted to

spend the extra time with my son, but due to advice from oth-

ers, I decided to leave him in daycare. Friends told me how

lucky I was to have this ‘time to myself.’ I really struggled with

dropping Luke off and was nearly overwhelmed with feelings

of sadness—and some guilt too. I felt like all the things that I’d

planned to do seemed a bit pointless. I didn’t really enjoy the

‘time off’ at all, so I ended up changing plans and keeping him

with me. It was a glorious week for both of us. Now I’ll be

much more careful about automatically taking others’ advice

about what’s right for us.”

—Mother of three-year-old Luke

studies that support pushing a parent-child partnership to separate just

for the sake of personal growth. Every child is unique, and every family

is the only one of its kind. The treatment of separation anxiety should

require an individual decision for each child and for each situation.

This book, like all my No-Cry parenting books, is about solving