The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (11 page)

44 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

You can buy or make your own bracelet for your child. If you do,

make sure the bracelet fi ts the following criteria:

• It has no small parts that could be potential choking hazards

for your child or younger friends or siblings.

• It is sturdy enough to stand up to playtime and heavy use.

• It is easy for your child to put on and take off.

• It is a simple, unobtrusive style that can be worn for the next

year or longer, if necessary.

• It is easy to replace if lost or broken.

Once you have a second backup bracelet, I suggest that you rotate

the two bracelets frequently. If you keep one tucked away, and your

child wears the other every day, it may become tattered or defaced

in some way that makes it unique and thus absolutely irreplaceable

in your child’s eyes. Keep the second bracelet safely hidden so your

child doesn’t fi nd it and misplace it or develop a bond to wearing
two

bracelets at the same time.

Daddy David and twins Ava and Julian, seventeen months old

The Magic Bracelet Solution for No-Cry Separation
45

Introduce Your Child to the Magic Bracelet

It is critically important for you to introduce the bracelet properly

to your child. This is not something to be thrust into her hands at

a time when she is crying frantically and watching you walk away,

even if you’re tempted to do so. Such a beginning would likely create

negative feelings about the bracelet and prevent any future positive

use. You will need to infuse the bracelet with loving “magic” before

your child walks off with it happily on her wrist.

Introduce the bracelet idea gently, lovingly, and in a relaxed man-

ner. Even though you might have to live through another few days

of separation anxiety tears, it is better to take the time to warm your

child up to the idea than to rush it or present it at the wrong time

and destroy the opportunity to use this tremendously helpful tool.

Introduce the bracelet on a day when both you and your child are

in a good mood and you are feeling connected. You may wish to wrap

it up and present it as a special gift.

Depending on your child’s personality and your own opinion about

things like the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy, you

can either give the bracelet a “magic” quality or simply present it as a

confi dence-building tool to make parting easier. Here are scripts that

show how two different parents explained the gift to their children:

The Truly Magic Bracelet

“ Mommy has something very special here. This is a magic bracelet I

got especially for you. It will help you feel better every day when you

go to daycare. It will be almost like having a tiny, little Mommy to

take with you! It can carry hugs and kisses and love, so anytime you

need some love from me, you will have it right there on your wrist.

You just have to look at it or touch it, and it will make you feel bet-

ter. Would you like to try it on?” (Parent places the bracelet carefully

and lovingly on the child’s wrist, and then hugs it and kisses it and

places the child’s arm with the bracelet up to her chest to give it a

fi nal hug.)

The Confi dence-Builder Bracelet

“ I know that it’s hard for you to leave me in the morning when you go

to school. So I have something very special for you that I think will

46 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

help you a lot. It’s called a Magic Bracelet because it helps kids feel

better when they are away from home. I love you all the time—even

when we are not together—and your bracelet with help you remem-

ber that I am loving you even when I am not with you. You just have

to look at it or touch it, and it can make you feel better. Would you

like to try it on?” (Parent gives the bracelet a hug and a kiss, and

then places it gently and lovingly on the child’s wrist.)

More Tips for Introducing the Bracelet Idea

Every child is unique, and you know your little one best. Either of

these two scripts might be perfect for you, or you may need to lead

up to the moment and prepare your child for the actual presentation.

Here are a series of ideas that have worked for other parents when

beginning work with the Magic Bracelet. Take some time to review

them, think about what might work best for you, and set up a plan

before you begin.

First Mine, Now Yours

Children who are intent on mimicking everything a parent does

might take to the bracelet if they fi rst see it as something that Mommy

or Daddy wears. In this case,
you
will wear the bracelet all day for several days, keeping it highly visible to your child, until he associates it with you. Once it’s a familiar piece of you, then you can offer

Mother-Speak

“Gracie loves anything that is mine. She’ll wear my scarves,

my shoes, and my jewelry, and she carries my purse around

the house. Keeping this in mind, I wore the bracelet myself

over the weekend, making sure to keep it so Gracie could see

it. When I fi nally offered it to her on Monday morning, she

was ecstatic! Because it was mine, she treated it like gold. It’s

become a perfect charm to calm her in the morning.”

—Erika, mother of four-year-old Grace

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47

to let him wear it when he’s away from home. Because it is “yours”

and your child has seen it as part of you, it can bring a strong feeling

of home and safety. If you wear cologne every day, then you can spritz

the bracelet with a bit of your scent each morning to remind your

child of you.

A Bearer of Good Feelings

For some children, it can help to fi rst create a good feeling surround-

ing the times when the bracelet is worn. In this case, you will give

your child the bracelet at a happy time. This might be on a day at

home when you have extra time for play, or it could be on a special

family outing, like a day at the park. You can fi rst incorporate it into

your quiet reading and cuddling times before using it when your child

ventures away from home. Once the bracelet carries memories of safe,

happy family times, it can be a comfort when used away from home.

How to Use the Magic Bracelet

Keep your child’s Magic Bracelet in a safe, specifi c place, so it will

be there when you need it. You might install a special hook or shelf

near the door so the bracelet can be taken off when your child arrives

home and easily retrieved as you leave.

If you drive your child to and from school, you may want to keep

the bracelet in a special place in the car. Putting it on and taking it

off can be part of the ritual of parting and reuniting each day.

It can help to have a routine for donning the bracelet. You might

always put it on your child and then give it a hug and kiss, saying

some “magic” words in the process.

Magic Words

Whether you impart your child’s bracelet with magic powers or sim-

ply provide it as a token to build confi dence, I suggest coming up

with a phrase that you say at the time you put it on her wrist. These

words become part of the ritual and are one more signifi cant element

of the enchantment.

48 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Father-Speak

“The fi rst time I put the bracelet on Emerson’s wrist, I waved

my pen over it like a magic wand and said some fancy mumbo-

jumbo magic words. Now I have to wave the pen and do the

magic words every time!”

—Tim, father of fi ve-year-old Emerson

Your Magic Bracelet phrase should be something short and sweet,

as over time it may become something to be whispered quickly in

her ear when the two of you part. Often this phrase is used for a long

time, even after the bracelet is set aside in a drawer and a touch to

the wrist is all that is needed to bring back all the calming feelings.

The magic words are something you can say to your child or some-

thing you can recite together. Here are some examples of other parents’

magic words that you can use as ideas to create your own phrase:

“ Here are lots of tiny little mommy hugs to keep with you all day long.

Have a great day!”

“ Remember, your Magic Bracelet is like having Mama at school with

you. Just touch it whenever you need a hug!”

“ Magic bracelet just for you.

Hugs and kisses in it too.

Wear it all day with a smile,

’Cuz Daddy loves you all the while.”

The Magic Bracelet Put-Away Routine

It’s a good idea to create a routine for taking off the bracelet and

putting it away when your child arrives home so that it is clearly for

use when you are apart. A bracelet worn all day will lose its “sepa-

ration” value and is more easily misplaced. There is nothing worse

than discovering a bracelet is lost just as you are heading out the

door to leave for daycare or school! (Should that happen, though,

this is where your backup bracelet comes into play. Keep an extra one

in a hidden, safe place for this purpose.)

The Magic Bracelet Solution for No-Cry Separation
49

Once your child is dependent on his bracelet to get him through

the day, it will be an important token, and a day without a bracelet

can get off to a rocky start. Be prepared to deliver a forgotten bracelet

to daycare or school.

When to Use the Magic Bracelet

The Magic Bracelet can be used anytime you and your child are

apart, whether he does the leaving or you do. A few examples of

times when the bracelet can be a successful tool:

• Daycare

• School

• Babysitting event

• Child care at the health club, shopping mall, or church

• Hospital stay

• Camp

• Vacation

• Birthday parties

• Playdates

• Sleepovers

• Family visits

• Business trips

• Divorced parents/two homes

• Naptime

• Nighttime sleep

Weaning Your Child from the Magic Bracelet

Children draw on the power of their bracelets in different ways, and

they all lose their need for it in different ways too. It’s rarely a one-day

event. Usually there is a gradual reduction of its importance. Because

the bracelet is inconspicuous and easy to wear, there is no need to per-

suade your child to stop wearing it. If you can, allow the association to

progress on its own and to fade on your child’s own unique time line.

You will likely notice that the bracelet becomes less signifi cant to

your child over time. She may “forget” to ask for it or tell you that

50 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Jessica, three years old, and Mommy Sharrie

she doesn’t need it on a particular morning. If that happens, you may

want to put it into your child’s backpack so she can carry it along

with her but no longer wear it on her wrist. That way if she changes

her mind, hits a diffi cult moment, or suddenly remembers she forgot

to wear it after you’ve parted, she’ll still have access to it.

Once the bracelet is left behind more than it’s worn, or when it

settles permanently into the bottom of the backpack without being

used, you’ll know that your child has grown past the need to use its

magic. Even after that happens, though, keep the bracelet in a safe

place so it can be reintroduced in times of need. It’s possible that your

child will face separation issues in the future, such as a fi rst overnight

visit, a hospital stay, or a particularly diffi cult transition. If the brace-

let worked once, it is very likely to work again if the need arises. If

not, it will be a wonderful keepsake to allow you both to remember

and cherish your child’s growth and maturity.