The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (4 page)

he panicked every morning as she was leaving for work. He cried

nonstop and clung tightly to her when she tried to go. The teacher

had to literally pry his little hands off and then hold him tightly

so he wouldn’t follow his mother out the door. He lost his appetite

and began waking up throughout the night. It became an unbear-

xix

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Introduction

able situation for my friend, so she rearranged her entire life to avoid

leaving him. She quit her offi ce job and opened an in-home daycare

center so that he wouldn’t have to leave her side. He was happy. She

was frazzled and frustrated.

I received a letter from Cynthia, a No-Cry book reader who des-

perately needed help with her daughter Anna’s separation anxiety—

and with her own as well. Cynthia had never left her child with a

babysitter, the gym nursery, a friend, or even her parents. When

she left her daughter with her husband (a fabulous and competent

daddy), she admitted to feeling sick to her stomach with worry, and

she always rushed home. Anna and Cynthia both suffered severe

separation anxiety. Anna was soon to celebrate her third birthday.

Cynthia was concerned and feeling suffocated by their inability to

separate.

My youngest son Coleton’s kindergarten year was also a challeng-

ing time. Every morning, for the entire fi rst month of school, he com-

plained of a stomachache. I had to coax him out of the car at the

curb each day and stuff tissues in his pockets so he could wipe away

his tears. I had to walk him to the building . . . to the room . . . to his

desk and then quietly and desperately whisper comforting words and

promises before I left the room. No matter what I did or said, when I

glanced back, I would catch a glimpse of his tear-fi lled eyes and grief-

stricken face as I walked out of the room. His teacher assured me that

he did very well once I left, but the knot in my stomach still appeared

during this ritualistic morning debacle.

My reader and friend, I know what you’re thinking if your child is

suffering from separation anxiety, because I have been there too.

But let me give you hope. Allow me to update my previous stories.

My fi rstborn, Angela, eventually
did
accept babysitters, and she had

many fun times with them. She now lives on her university campus

and babysits for her professor’s young daughters. Vanessa did fi nally

make it to preschool and thrived, loving her teachers and making

boatloads of friends. She now attends college and has a job as the

legislative affairs director for her school, traveling away from home

for days at a time.

Matthew’s mother applied many of the separation anxiety ideas

presented here and eventually returned to work in an offi ce. Mat-

thew handled the change admirably and came to treat his daycare

Introduction
xxi

center as a joy-fi lled second home. Anna is now three and a half and

enjoys time with a babysitter once a week while Cynthia and her

husband have a night out; plus Anna happily joins the gym nursery

twice a week and has regular outings with her grandparents. Cynthia

and Anna are now both free to enjoy their time apart as much as

they enjoy their time together.

By the time my little Coleton was struggling with kindergarten,

I had already written eight parenting books and built an army of

test parents all over the world. I put my contacts and research skills

to work on his problem and developed the list of solutions provided

here, including the Magic Bracelet, which you will learn about in

Chapter 3. Coleton’s bracelet was the golden ticket for us—it worked

like a charm! The remainder of his kindergarten year was a joyful

success. He’s now a happy, well-adjusted, outgoing third-grader who

loves school and is enjoying a weekend sleepover at a friend’s home as

I write this.

Separation anxiety seeps into children’s lives for many reasons and

for both brief and extended separations. Infants cry when parents

hand them over to a loving relative. Babies sit on the fl oor outside a

bathroom door while anxious mothers try to take very quick show-

ers. Children cry beside babysitters as parents go off to work, suffer

through the feelings of missing a parent who is deployed or away on a

business trip, and adjust to their parents’ divorce (which means they

must always leave someone behind). In addition, children must often

leave their parents behind as
they
go off: children who must stay alone

at the hospital, go away to camp, or, in the case of divorce, leave one

parent’s home to stay at the other’s. And then there are those nightly

battles that occur the world over as parents try to convince anxious

children to sleep alone all night in their very own beds and in their

very own bedrooms.

This is the book I wish I’d had from the beginning of my parent-

ing career for all the times my four children suffered from separation

anxiety, as well as to help
me
with my separation anxiety as I dealt

with my own feelings at each of my children’s milestones. I am very

happy to be able to present these many gentle, effective No-Cry sepa-

ration anxiety solutions to you, so that you and your child can part

ways with a good-bye, a happy wave, and a smile.

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1

All About Separation Anxiety in

Early Childhood

Separation anxiety: A child’s apprehension or fear

associated with his or her separation from a parent or

other signifi cant person.

—Stedman’s Medical Dictionary

The origin of separation anxiety is love, so handling it should be

done with care and respect. The problems presented by separa-

tion anxiety are complex. They can interfere with daily life and cre-

ate a cloud over the joy of early childhood, bringing many tears from

children and much frustration for parents and caregivers. Separation

anxiety is a complicated emotion, so it requires knowledge and skill

to correctly interpret and adequately solve it.

When we fi rst hold our new babies, we don’t know them, but we

love them. They don’t know us, but instinct tells them we are signifi -

cant. Every action and every word from that fi rst moment of meeting

brings us closer together. Over time, our bond grows, and our love

matures. We become important to each other. This bond becomes

human glue, and the longer it stays together, the more permanent

the hold. We parents work hard to create such an attachment in our

early relationship with our children, and we feel an unparalleled joy

when we are rewarded with evidence of this bond—a toothless smile

just for us, a running leap into our waiting arms, a spontaneous hug,

a sunshiny giggle at a private joke. These are the rewards of a well-

nourished relationship.

Our children, in their trusting innocence, drink in this special

relationship as an integral part of their world. Our presence becomes

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2

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

a regular part of life, as normal as breathing air. Our existence comes

to represent normalcy and safety and tells our children that all is well

in their world.

But what happens when this safety net is removed? What happens

when a parent walks away from a child, leaving him in the hands of

someone less familiar? The child suffers a sense of unease, loss, and

worry, and he desperately attempts to hold on to the person he feels

delivers his peace of mind. The result is a common scene at any day-

care, playground, family gathering, or birthday party: a crying child

clinging tightly to a parent who is desperately trying to convince that

child to let go and join the fun.

Almost all children have some aspect of separation anxiety during

the fi rst six years of life. It’s a very normal and predictable response to

the threatened removal of the most important thing in your child’s

life: you.

Figuring out how to handle your child’s separation anxiety can

cause you confusion and frustration. Yet you should not fear it or

even wish it away, as it is the most obvious and identifi able sign of

your child’s love for and trust in you. It is the grand indicator that

your child believes that you represent the ultimate in safety, protec-

tion, and security above anyone or anything else in this world.

Key Point

In your child’s eyes, you are a superhero.

The Reason for Separation Anxiety

It makes perfect sense that children experience separation anxiety

when pulled away from their main caregiver, in ways even beyond

the primary love emotion. Human beings are wired to respond to

fear, perceived danger, or stress with a
fi ght-or-fl ight
reaction. This basic response is obviously unachievable for babies and young children who do not have the physical or mental ability to fl ee or defend

All About Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood
3

themselves. They must rely on trusted adults to protect them from

dangers of all kinds. Therefore, “fi ght or fl ight” is replaced with an

intense need to keep Mommy, Daddy, or Main Caregiver close by to

provide protection. This instinctual pull demonstrates a child’s per-

ception that his parents are his safeguard against possible threats to

his safety, both physical and emotional. The more stress or worry

a child feels, the closer he wishes to stay to his parents. This need

becomes obvious when a child is placed in a stranger’s arms, when he

must confront a new situation, or when he is tired or ill.

As a child matures, he learns more about the world and how it

works. When he has had multiple experiences of happy partings, safe

separations, and subsequent joyful reunions, he eventually realizes

that he can relinquish the safe anchor of Mom or Dad and venture

farther away without risking a dangerous or troublesome situation.

This maturity is not something that you can rush or teach. It must

develop over time and with age and experience.

Professional-Speak

“You don’t really understand human nature unless you know

why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents

every time around—and why his parents will always wave

back.”

—William D. Tammeus, Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist

What Causes Separation Anxiety?

Separation anxiety does not have a precise “cause.” It is a perfectly

normal and important developmental adaptation of a child’s emo-

tional and mental growth. Nothing you have done has “made” your

child develop separation anxiety, and nothing you could do would

have prevented it in its entirety.

Even though separation anxiety has not been caused by any par-

ticular event, certain caregiver actions can either heighten or reduce

a child’s normal anxiety. Many things can help build your child’s

4

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Professional-Speak

“Surprisingly, the majority of separation-related fears emerge

without a specifi c triggering event. Keep in mind that nothing

bad has to actually happen to a child and/or her family to set

off separation anxiety.”

—Andrew R. Eisen, Ph.D., and Linda B. Engler, Ph.D., Helping

Your Child Overcome Separation Anxiety or School Refusal

growing trust in his world and his confi dence in his relationship with

you, so that he can transfer these feelings to other adults who will

then help him feel safe when he is away from home base.

Nearly all children experience some aspect of separation anxiety

at some point in their lives. For some, the stage begins early, at just

a few months of age. For others, the effects begin later in life, even

after a history free from this problem. Some children have anxiety

that lasts for a short blink and disappears quickly and easily, while

others have longer spells that seem to build to a peak and then fade

away, only to reappear again. Some children give very visible, intense,

or obvious indicators of their feelings, but others’ reactions are less

apparent. There is no exact pattern, although there are typical signs