The Nice Girl Syndrome (36 page)

124–127

financial dependency and, 208–210, 216

healing your shame, 118–121 historically, 31–32

recognizing signs of abuse in its early stages, 157–159

second chances in, 194–198, 201–205

statistics on, 1–2, 198

Strong Women’s response to, 21 suppressing anger in, 162

adolescence, disassociation by females in, 102–103

adrenaline, 167

affirmations, 36 aggression

gender differences in expressing, 17, 48, 49, 161–162, 180–181

Nice Girl methods of expressing, 17

American Medical Association, 1

anger

buried emotions, expressing, 175

childhood experiences and inability to express, 163–165

damage from suppressing, recognizing, 176–178

deferring your needs and feelings and, 56–57, 63–64

denying, 166

expression of, 35, 119–120,

160–179

false beliefs about, 47–48

fear of, facing your, 167, 171–173

misplacing, 165–166

mistakes you make concerning, identifying, 170–171

as neutral emotion, 165 origins of your beliefs about,

discovering, 168–170

other reasons for not expressing, looking for, 174–175

physical release of, giving yourself permission for, 176

positive functions of, 165, 166–168, 178

remedies, 168–179 shadow self and, 109

societal reasons for suppressing, 161–162

239

240
I
NDEX

anger
(continued)

suppression of, 34, 47–48, 49, 78,

109, 110, 133, 142, 145, 162,

166, 173, 175, 176–178

trying on a new way of dealing with, 178–179

Anthony, Susan B., 47 anxiety, 108, 167

apology, 200

assertiveness, 211

benefits of, 150–151

learning to be more assertive, 150–157

overcoming negative beliefs about, 151–152

shadow self and, 110

societal beliefs about, 161–162

Backlash
(Faludi), 4

Bancroft, Lundy, 202–204 Belenky, Mary Field, 161 belittling by parents, 105 biological predisposition, 27–28,

49–50, 206–207

for caretaking, 36, 53, 59 blame

anger confused with, 171 blaming others, 4, 171

blaming yourself, 54–55, 78 parents using, to shame, 106

body image, 40, 87 boundaries

anger and setting of, 174–175, 178 learning to communicate your,

148–149

setting and enforcing, 147–148, 211

Brown, Byron, 225

Brown, Nina, 58

Campbell, Anne, 49, 180

child abuse, 12, 29, 47, 59 coming out of denial, 132–135

fear of expressing anger and, 172–173, 174–175

healing your shame, 118–121 learned helplessness, 140 standing up for your rights and,

139–143, 146–147

childhood experiences.
See
experiential beliefs; familial beliefs

Children of the Self-Absorbed
(Brown), 58

codependency, 3–4 compassion, for yourself, 117 competence, 25, 228–229

compliancy, 11

Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry,

139

compulsive behaviors, 105

confidence, 25, 224–228 discovering your essence,

224–226

idealized self-image, shedding your, 226–227

personal power, getting in touch with your, 227–228

conflict resolution, 180–192 childhood experiences and,

182–186

“fair fighting” techniques, 189–191 false beliefs, 48–49

nonviolent communication (NVC), 191–192

powerful statement, creating a, 187

remedies, 186–192

confrontation, fear of, 11, 23, 181 conservative or deeply religious

families, 29, 44

contempt, parents expressing, 106 control, sense of, 78, 107, 167, 173

conviction, 25–26, 229–233 learning to speak with clarity and,

231–233

I
NDEX
241

courage, 26, 233–235

cultural conditioning.
See
societal beliefs

denial, coming out of, 128–130, 132–135

depression, 105, 108, 133, 144–145

domestic violence, 12, 31–32, 162,

174, 194.
See also
second chances

Doormat, the, 17–18

emotional abuse.
See
abusive relationships

Emotionally Abused Woman, The

(Engel), 159

Emotionally Abusive Relationship, The

(Engel), 159

empathy sickness, 54 Enlightened One, the, 18–19

essence, discovering your, 224–226 expectations, parental, 106–107,

228–229

experiential beliefs, 29–30, 47

fairness of life, believing in, 77–78 origins of, 79–81

false beliefs, 33–50

about anger, 47–48

about conflict, 48–49

about feelings and needs, 36–38 about naïveté and gullibility, 45–46 about needing men for protection

and financial support, 50 about perfection, 44–45, 88 about second chances, 49–50 about standing up for yourself,

46–47

being nice will result in others being nice to you, 38–39

overview of, 33–35 reversing, with powerful

statements.
See
powerful statements

what others think of you is more important than your self-esteem, health, and safety, 39–43

Faludi, Susan, 4

familial beliefs, 12, 28–29, 45–46, 48 about fairness of life, 79

common types of, leading to Nice Girl syndrome, 29

conflict resolution and, 182–186 perfectionism and, 103–107 putting others’ feelings first and,

37–38, 57–58, 59, 60–63

suppressing anger and, 163–165 worrying about what others think

of you, 85, 87–89

fear, 78, 98

of anger, 167, 171–173

of child abuse survivors, 139–143, 146–147

reasons for fear factor, 30–32 feelings of others put before one’s

own feelings, 11, 36–38, 53–75 as an addiction, 74

checking in with your feelings several times a day, 69–70

childhood messages, 37–38, 57–58,

59, 60–63

commitment to begin meeting your needs, 74–75

connecting your feelings with your needs, 70–71

empathy sickness, 54

focusing outside yourself, 72–73 giving to yourself what you give

others, 73–74

narcissistic people, involvement with, 55–56, 59

needs and feelings, connecting, 67–68

origins of, discovering the, 59–63 powerful statement, creating a,

65–66

reconnecting with your body, 68

242
I
NDEX

feelings of others put before one’s own feelings
(continued)

rediscovering your needs, 66–67 remedies, 59–75

resentment and anger resulting from, 56–57, 63–64

self-blame and, 54–55

stop treating yourself the way your parents did, 71–72

thinking of your own needs first isn’t selfish, 64–65

fight-or-flight response, 167 financial support

don’t let a man buy you, 214–216 keeping finances separate, 216 reliance on men for, 45–46, 50,

206–210

self-reliance, 50, 211–219

flat affect, 163

forgiveness, 200–202

Four C’s, 25–26, 223–235

Gilligan, Carol, 27–28, 40, 49, 102,

161, 230, 231

Golden Shadow, 110

gossiping, 17

group behavior, pressure to conform to, 40–43

guilt, 108, 201

gullibility.
See
naïveté and gullibility

Healing Your Emotional Self
(Engel), 114

health, putting what others think of you ahead of your, 39–43

hedging, 232

Herman, Dr. Judith, 211

Honor Your Anger
(Engel), 178

How to Say It for Women
(Mendel), 231–232

humiliation of child by parent, 106 hypercritical parents, 105–107

hypervigilance, 140, 141, 182

In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development
(Gilligan), 40, 230

inner critic, 108

determining the strength of your, 113–115

identifying your, 112–113 replacing, with a nurturing voice,

116–117

talking back to your, 115–116 innocence.
See
naïveté and gullibility Innocent, the, 18, 19–20

insomnia, 145

instincts, trusting your, 4, 11 isolation, fear of, 49

journaling, 99

Jung, Carl, 109, 121

Kaufman, Gershen, 106

Koller, Alice, 89–90

learned helplessness, 140

overcoming, 145–146

Loving Him without Losing You

(Engel), 54, 144, 219

magical thinking, 77–78, 81–82, 84,

131

Making the Connection
(Gilligan), 102

manipulation, 12

Martyr, the, 18, 19

Mellin, Laurel, 65, 66

Mendel, Phyllis, 231–232

misogyny, 29, 37

naïveté and gullibility, 23, 123–136 about male intentions, 127–128 danger of pretending, 124–127 denial, coming out of, 128–130,

132–134

false beliefs about, 45–46

I
NDEX
243

growing up and facing the truth, 131–132

payoffs of, facing the truth about, 135

payoffs of growing up, recognizing the, 135

powerful statement, creating a, 136 protecting yourself.
See
protecting

yourself, responsibility for remedies for, 131–136

narcissism

of parent, 29, 37, 59

of partner, 55–56

Nice Girls.
See also
Strong Women characteristics of, 9–11

negative behavior of, 16–17 prevalence of, 12

questionnaire, 13–15 reasons to change, 16 types of, 17–19

Nice Girl syndrome causes of, 27–30

false beliefs leading to.
See
false beliefs

fear factor in, 30–32

nonviolent communication (NVC), 191–192

Nonviolent Communication

(Rosenberg), 192

Norwood, Robin, 4

Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls
(Simmons), 17, 37, 43, 44, 162, 180–181

opinions of others, worrying about, 39–43, 85–101

believing you’re unlovable, 90 emotions, learning about yourself

through your, 97

exposing your true self, 95–96 familial beliefs and, 85, 87–89 journaling, finding yourself

through, 99

learning you cannot control what others think, 93

origin of, discovering the, 92–93 powerful statement, creating a,

93–94

pretending, 89–90, 94–95 public image, creation of one’s,

88–89

remedies, 92–101

safety and, 39–43, 90–92

self-approval and pride, 100–101 shedding your false self and

claiming your true self, 96 solitude, finding yourself through,

97–99

women and self-image, 40, 87–88

Orenstein, Peggy, 44

oxytocin, 28

parental behavior and messages.
See
familial beliefs;
specific behavior
parentified children, 37–38, 58, 59

passive-aggressive behavior, 17,

165

passivity, 11, 45, 46

mother’s, 29

Pathway, The
(Mellin), 65 perfection (perfectionism), 102–122

compassion and self-acceptance, 117

demanded by others, stop allowing, 117–118

false beliefs about, 44–45, 88 healing your shame, 118–121 inner critic.
See
inner critic nurturing inner voice, creating a,

116–117

parental messages, 103–107 positive attributes, acknowledging

your, 111–112

powerful statement, creating a, 112 rediscovering and reclaiming your

true self, 110–111

244
I
NDEX

perfection (perfectionism)
(continued)

remedies for, 110–122

shadow self, 108–110, 121–122

phoniness, 11

physical abuse, 163.
See also
second chances

as a child.
See
child abuse domestic violence, 12, 31–32, 162,

174, 194

statistics on, 1–2, 198 physical ailments, Nice Girl

syndrome and, 144–145, 177

Pipher, Mary, 43

popularity, sacrifices for, 40–43 powerful statements, 35–36

creating, 65–66, 83, 93–94, 112,

136, 187

repetition of, 36

Power of Apology, The
(Engel), 200 Pretender, the, 18

pretending, 18, 89–90, 94–95 dangers of naïveté and gullibility,

124–127

pride, 100–101 property, women as, 77

protecting yourself, responsibility for, 22–23, 50, 76–84, 206–219.

See also
financial support black-and-white terms, stop

thinking in, 82–83

magical thinking and, 77–78, 81–82, 84

naïveté and gullibility.
See
naïveté and gullibility

origins of ideas about fairness, 79–81

powerful statement, creating a, 83 remedies, 81–84, 214–219

self-defense, 211, 216–218

source of false belief about, 76–77 strong women, vulnerability of

even, 212–214

Prude, the, 18

rape, 12, 45, 50, 124, 211

self-defense, 211, 216–217

statistics, 2

resentment for deferring your feelings and needs, 56–57, 63–64

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
(Pipher), 43

Revolution from Within
(Steinem), 54 Rosenberg, Marshall B., 191, 192

Rules, The,
22

safety, putting what others think of you ahead of your, 39–43, 90–92

Schoolgirls,
44

second chances, 49–50, 193–205

in abusive relationships, 194–198, 201–205

becoming discerning, 198–199 pressure to be forgiving, 200–202 for rehabilitating offenders, 205 remedies, 198–205

stop blaming yourself, 199 warranted and unwarranted,

199–200

self-acceptance, 117

self-blame, 54–55, 78

self-confidence, 110–111

self-defense, 211, 216–218

self-destructive behaviors, 133