The Nice Girl Syndrome (30 page)

Fast forward six months. Cliff called Carol to tell her he had made a huge mistake. He didn’t love the other woman after all—he loved Carol. Could he please come back?

Carol’s pride had been hurt when Cliff left her for someone else and so she was reluctant to take him back. Even though she still loved him, she had begun to pick up the pieces of her life (emotion- ally and financially). But Cliff told her that he was different now. He told her that he was ashamed of how he had treated her and that he had started going to church. He began crying on the phone and begged her to at least agree to see him one more time.

Carol didn’t want to be cruel, so she agreed to meet him. What she saw surprised her greatly. Her husband looked emaciated. He’d lost weight and his eyes had dark circles around them. Her heart went out to him. After all, she later told me, he had been her hus- band for a long time. She didn’t want to see him suffering so.

Cliff explained to Carol that he had been on a destructive path his whole life. Now, he said, he had finally hit bottom and was deter- mined to change. He had been talking to the pastor of the church he had been going to and felt he’d found the answers he had been searching for. Then he begged Carol to take him back and give him one more chance. “Don’t throw me away,” he cried. Then he got down on his knees and told her that he loved her, that he had always loved her. Would she please give him another chance?

Carol’s heart melted when Cliff declared his love for her. “After all, everyone deserves another chance. I felt so sorry for him when he begged me not to ‘throw him away’ because that is how he felt as a child, like his parents had thrown him away.” When I pointed out to her that she had already given him many, many chances she coun- tered with, “Yes, but he had never gone to church before. He really did seem like a different person.”

Carol agreed to “date” Cliff and see how things went. Two months passed, and Cliff continued to go to church. He even talked Carol into going as well, and they both sought counsel from the pas- tor. “Cliff seemed to be really trying. He read the Bible every day. I

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wanted so desperately to believe that he had really changed. I had a hard time trusting him, and I talked about this with the pastor. He told me that I needed to forgive Cliff for his past sins and support him now in his new life. And so I finally gave in and had him move back into the house.”

Within a month, Cliff was back to his old ways. It started grad- ually at first. He made excuses for why he couldn’t go to church reg- ularly (he was sick, he had to work, he didn’t need it anymore). Then Carol found some scratch-off tickets from the local convenience store in the pocket of his jacket. This was her first hint that he was starting to gamble again. When she confronted him with the tick- ets, he swore they were old ones and turned the whole thing around, accusing her of being paranoid. “He looked so deeply wounded when I made the accusation, I couldn’t help but believe him.”

Carol finally stopped believing him when she got their credit card statement at the end of the month. There had been a cash advance of $500 three times that month. She knew in her heart what this meant, but just to make sure, she called the credit card com- pany. Sure enough, the signature on the advances was her husband’s. Carol was crushed, but she also felt something else. “This time

I couldn’t talk myself out of it. I knew in no uncertain terms that he had once more started gambling and that he would never change. There was nothing he could say this time to convince me to give him another chance. I was done.”

Even so, Carol came to see me because she wanted to make sure she didn’t weaken. She had kicked Cliff out of the house and filed for divorce, but he called her constantly and sometimes came pounding at the door, begging her for another chance. “I’m not going to take him back, but it is so hard to hear him crying and beg- ging like that. I can’t help but feel sorry for him, but now I know that is a trap.”

Carol also wanted to make sure she didn’t make the same mis- take again and get involved with someone else with similar prob- lems. This, of course, meant that we needed to explore Carol’s background to discover why she was so susceptible to giving second chances. As it turned out, Carol’s mother had always made excuses for her alcoholic husband’s behavior, no matter how inappropriate. When he was so drunk that he stumbled and fell, Carol’s mother would say, “He’s just tired from working so hard.” When he lost his

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job because of his drinking, her mother explained, “His boss had it in for him.”

Making the connection between her mother’s behavior and her own helped Carol tremendously. This is what she shared with me during one of our sessions: “I’ve thought about this a lot. The fact that my mother gave my father so many chances and made so many excuses for him didn’t help anyone. It didn’t help my father, who just kept on drinking. In fact, it probably enabled him to continue drinking. And it certainly didn’t help my mother or myself. After my father lost his job, he never got another one. He did odd jobs now and then, but mostly my mother ended up supporting us. This realization has made me think about giving second chances in a whole new way.”

I’m happy to report that I recently heard from Carol, who proudly told me that she had not allowed Cliff to return. She was now involved with a man who treats her with respect and consider- ation. “So far, he hasn’t done anything that I have to overlook or make excuses for. But if he does, I’m no longer afraid I’ll give too many chances. My new motto is: ‘You get one chance with me—so you better use it well.’”

Why It Is Particularly Important to Not Give Abusers Second Chances

You’ve no doubt heard this before, but it bears repeating. Once a man (or a woman) becomes physically abusive, he is very likely to repeat the behavior. In fact, evidence shows that once a man has crossed the line into physical abuse, his behavior usually escalates. This means that if he pushed you once, the next time he is likely to push you harder or hit you. If he slapped you in the face, he is likely to sock you with a clenched fist the next time. For this reason pri- marily, it is important
not
to give second chances when it comes to someone’s physically abusing you.

Another important reason not to give such a person a second chance is that many abusers interpret this as permission to continue abusing you. Most abusers don’t stand up to men or those who are their physical equal. Instead, they pick on women and those who are weaker. They are actually looking for someone to bully and control.

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If you give an abuser a second chance, this essentially tells the per- son he or she has found a willing victim.

Abusers tend to lose respect for anyone who allows herself to be mistreated. This includes those who allow emotional abuse as well as physical abuse. In essence, your giving an abuser a second chance may actually cause him or her to respect you
less
, and this in itself may give the person permission to abuse you further.

Many of you reading this book have already heard this informa- tion before. And yet in spite of this, many women remain in relation- ships with abusive partners. Many continue giving their abusive partners another chance. In fact, recent statistics tell us that the aver- age abused woman goes back to her abuser
seven
times. Why do they do this? The main reason is that women feel compelled to “work things out” with their partners. We are biologically and culturally programmed to be peacemakers.

Remedies

Remedy #1: Learn the Difference between Having the Blind Trust of a Child and Becoming Discerning— between Judging Someone and Protecting Yourself

This is an important transition to make. If someone hurts, offends, or betrays you, it should be a warning to you that this person is capa- ble of doing it again. This doesn’t mean that you must end the rela- tionship and not give the person a second chance, but it does mean that you can no longer be completely trusting of the person—at least until he or she proves herself to you once again. One of the wonder- ful things about children is that they forgive and forget so easily and so completely. But unfortunately, this also puts children at greater risk of being repeatedly used or abused by uncaring adults.

You are no longer a child, and you can no longer afford to excuse someone for disappointing or hurting you because he or she asks you to or expects you to. You don’t have to judge the person too harshly—we all make mistakes. But on the other hand, only a fool (or a child) pretends that it never happened. This is where discern- ment comes in. Discerning adults take into consideration a person’s past behavior and use it to determine how safe they are with this person. They may feel safe enough to risk some interactions, while

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not feeling safe enough to risk others. For example, a discerning woman would not leave her husband alone with an attractive girl- friend if he has cheated on her in the past. A discerning woman would not leave the liquor cabinet unlocked when she leaves the house if she knows that her teenage son has taken liquor from it before.

Remedy #2: Stop Blaming Yourself

One of the main reasons Nice Girls give second chances is that they often take too much responsibility for the actions of others. Instead of getting angry at someone for behaving inconsiderately, inappro- priately, or even abusively, they often try to put themselves in the other person’s place and become “understanding.” And Nice Girls often go one step further—they often blame themselves for the actions of others.

Holly had been raised to always think about another person’s feelings before her own. When she came home from school and told her mother about being bullied by another child, instead of com- forting her, her mother would say, “What did you do to make her angry? People don’t just hit you for no reason.” When Holly replied that she’d done nothing, her mother didn’t believe her. “People always have a good reason for their behavior,” she would be told. “If you just put yourself in their place you’ll understand and you won’t ever have to get angry.”

While Holly’s mother may have had good intentions concerning teaching her daughter empathy, her attempts were convoluted and extremely negating of Holly’s feelings—so much so that as an adult, Holly is unaware of what she is feeling at any given time. Worst of all, her mother taught her to blame herself if someone treats her badly.

Remedy #3: Differentiate between Offenses and People Who Warrant a Second Chance and Those Who Do Not

If a friend or a lover is late to meet you for lunch or forgets your birthday, it’s probably okay to give him or her a second chance. But more serious offenses, such as being unfaithful, getting drunk and becoming abusive, or maliciously starting a terrible rumor about you, probably do not deserve another chance.

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Some people deserve a second chance more than others. These include:

• Those who have been understanding, compassionate, and for- giving toward you
  

• Those who generally treat you with consideration, kindness, and respect
  

• Those who have genuinely apologized and taken responsibil- ity for their offensive behavior
  

What is a genuine apology? A genuine, or meaningful, apology is one that communicates what I call the three R’s—regret, respon- sibility, and remedy. The following information is an adaptation of material from my book
The Power of Apology
:

1. A statement of
   regret
   . This should include an expression of empathy toward you, including an acknowledgement of the inconvenience, hurt, or damage that the person caused you.
   

2. An acceptance of
   responsibility
   for his or her actions. This means not blaming anyone else for what he or she did and not making excuses for his or her actions, but instead taking full responsibility for what he or she did and for the consequences of his or her actions.
   

3. A statement of the person’s willingness to take some action to
   remedy
   the situation. This can be a promise to not repeat the offensive action, to work toward not making the same mistake (by going to therapy, or joining a 12-step program), or by making restitution for the damages he or she caused.
   

Unless all three of these elements are present, most people have a sense that something is missing in the apology and will feel short- changed. They will also not feel safe enough to give the other per- son another chance.

Remedy #4: Don’t Allow Anyone to Pressure You to Forgive Him or Her if You Are Not Ready

Each person needs to come to forgiveness on his or her own, not be pressured to forgive because it is the politically correct thing to do. As wise as spiritual leaders, philosophers, and therapists are concern- ing the importance of forgiveness, sometimes forgiveness is not

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possible—or even recommended. Unfortunately, because of the focus on forgiveness within the religious, 12-step, and even psycho- logical communities, we have not been given permission to choose not to forgive. Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not neces- sary for healing, and, in some cases, it is not necessarily the health- iest thing to do. This is especially true when forgiving is tantamount to giving someone permission to hurt you again.