The Nice Girl Syndrome (35 page)

Authors: Beverly Engel

BOOK: The Nice Girl Syndrome

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While these are admirable, if not lofty, sentiments, this way of thinking gets women in trouble. If you cannot determine that an action someone took was wrong, hurtful, or inappropriate, how can you take a stand against it? If you can’t determine what is right and wrong, how can you establish boundaries? This is especially true for Enlightened Ones.

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Many women experience a sense of vulnerability that impedes their ability to take a stand. According to Gilligan, women’s reluc- tance to judge stems from their uncertainty about their right to make moral statements or perhaps from the price for them that such judg- ment seems to entail. My experience coincides with her conclusions. Many of my women clients are afraid to take a stand for fear of set- ting themselves up for negative judgments from others.

Many women have another false belief that we haven’t discussed yet—that for women to be powerful, they have to act like men. I believe this is another reason for their inability to speak and act with conviction; they fear being viewed as masculine. But women can be strong and powerful and yet not be like men. We don’t have to act like men to be strong—we can act like Strong Women.

Women can have power and not abuse that power. We can stand up for ourselves and not be confrontational, arrogant, or belittling. We can assert ourselves and not take power away from others.

Some women also have trouble seeing themselves as powerful people. This is because they have received a lifetime of messages to be modest and sensitive to other people’s feelings, and these mes- sages conflict with the image of women as being powerful without arrogance or oppressiveness.

Power and empathy are not mutually exclusive. We can take pride in our feminine qualities of compassion and empathy without making ourselves weak in the process. We can be kind without being a doormat; we can be strong without being insensitive. We can be truthful about our accomplishments without being arrogant. We can assert ourselves with dignity and civility.

Conviction Builder: Learn to Speak with Clarity and Conviction

By speaking up, you will garner more respect from others, whether it is with your romantic partner, your children, or your colleagues at work. Unfortunately, women often complain that they are ignored when they try to communicate their needs and feelings. Phyllis Mendel, an expert on professional communications and the author of
How to Say It for Women
, recommends that women assert themselves by using what she calls the “grammar of power.” According to Mendel, using weak language can undermine your message and your attempts to be assertive. Weak language can

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thwart your ability to command attention and project confidence. On the other hand, by using phrases and sentences that show you mean business, you will force people to pay attention to what you say. She recommends you start by focusing on changing these four weak grammar forms: hedges, tag questions, excessive modifiers, and hypercorrectness.

Hedging
. To hedge is to hide behind words or refuse to commit yourself. We all need to hedge at times—when we don’t have an answer, when we are buying time—but women may hedge even when they are certain of the answer, often because they want to soften their statements. Women tend to hedge more often than men do, usually because they are concerned about hurting people’s feel- ings. But this causes them to lose credibility. Hedges make them sound as if they doubt their own words. Which of the following hedges do you use?

I might not be right, but . . .
I’m not an expert on this, but . . .
I don’t know much about this, but . . .
This may only be how I feel, but . . .
I guess my question is . . .
I’m not sure how strongly I feel about this, but . . .
I don’t mean to, but . . .
I just . . .
Using tags
. A tag is a short question added to the end of a state- ment or a command. According to Mendell, tags can take three forms: verbal, vocal, and gestural. Common verbal tags include “okay?” “right?” “isn’t it?” “are you?” “doesn’t she?” “won’t you?” Tags can weaken and undermine our statements because they express doubt. Once again, research suggests that women use tags more than men do. Check the following list and notice which tags you tend to use.
That’s a good idea, isn’t it?
I’m going to go to lunch with my friends, okay?
I want you to come right home from school today, okay?
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This is the best color for the living room, right?
I’d appreciate it if you’d call before you come over, do you know what I mean?
I don’t think that’s the best way to do this, you see what I’m saying?

Why do these tags weaken and undermine the statements? Notice that the first part of the sentence preceding each is a per- fectly clear statement of fact. Yet the tags turn them into questions, hinting that they may not be facts at all.

Women also frequently use vocal tags: the lifting of the voice at the end of a statement so that it sounds like a question. For exam- ple, “My name is Beverly? I am a therapist? I write self-help books?” Notice how weak this makes me sound, and yet it has become a very common practice among some women.

Gestural tags include shoulder or neck shrugs. No matter how strong you are sounding, if you use gestural tags, your words will be undermined and weakened. They are unconscious ways in which you negate your words.

Courage

We think we know what courage looks like. Often, images of phys- ical courage come to mind—men fighting for their country, women enduring great pain to protect their children. But courage is differ- ent for everyone because fear is different for everyone. Generally speaking, though, an act is considered courageous when we know it is the right thing to do but is difficult to do. We are being coura- geous when we are afraid but we do it anyway.

You are being courageous when you roll up your sleeves and do the right thing for yourself. You are being courageous when you stop making excuses for someone, when you stop complaining and begging for justice. You are being courageous when you stop expecting people to be fair just because you request it, especially after you’ve allowed them to get away with their behavior for such a long time. You have to take care of yourself—and that takes courage.

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Courage Builder #1: Practice Random Acts of Courage

Courage takes practice. The more often you act courageously, the more courageous you will feel. It takes courage to do all of the fol- lowing:

Stand up and allow people to disapprove of and be upset with you.
Stop
asking
people to see you as a person with rights and instead
become
a person who demands respect with her very being.
Never allow anyone to tell you who you are.
Admit it if a friend or a partner is being cruel, manipulative, or unkind, and stop pretending he or she has a good reason for this unacceptable behavior.

Courage Builder #2: Ask Yourself the All-Important Questions
There are three questions that will encourage you to be courageous more than almost any others. The first one is “What are the ways in which I forfeit my right to my life?” (You may do this, for example,

by avoiding conflict, by being afraid of other people’s anger, by com- plaining instead of acting.)

Courage also comes from being in touch with your feelings and your needs and then standing up for them. Whenever someone tries to pressure or manipulate you into doing something, ask yourself the second and third questions: “What do I really want at this moment?” and “Will this (action/situation) be good for me?”

Once you have the answers to these questions, you can begin to take action.

E
XERCISE
: O
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Start by listing the ways that you can exert your courage and stand up for yourself.
Now commit to making one courageous action each day.

Courage Builder #3: Take Your Power

As women, we have watched all our lives while others had the power—the power to rule, to dominate, and to abuse. First, it was

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our parents; then it was the teachers, partners, and work associates in our lives who seemed to have all the power while we sat by and watched them rule. If we were very, very good, sometimes those in power would bestow on us some privilege or another, giving us the feeling of having a little power ourselves, at least temporarily.

But now all that has changed. We can no longer afford to stand idly by waiting for someone to throw us a crumb of acknowledg- ment or power. We have to learn to take our power instead of expecting someone to give it to us. Think of it this way: any power that is handed to you is probably not worth having. Take your power.

I value your feedback and would appreciate hearing about how this book has affected you. You can e-mail me at beverly@beverlyengel

.com or write to me at P.O. Box 6412, Los Osos, CA 93412-6412.

References

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:
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