The Nice Girl Syndrome (15 page)

Here are some of the benefits of telling the truth about who you really are. Read over the list now and return to it frequently as a reminder.

1. By telling the truth about who you are, you will attract those who genuinely like and appreciate the
   real
   you, not those who are merely impressed by a facade. This will make it more pos- sible for you to find people you are truly compatible with.
   

2. Forming truer friendships, in turn, will help raise your self- esteem, since being accepted and appreciated for who you really are will make you feel more accepting and appreciative of yourself.
   

3. By exposing your true self, you are likely to discourage those
   

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   partners who are looking for someone they can manipulate or control or men who are looking for the perfect woman.
   

4. Most important, by taking the risk of telling the truth about who you are, you’ll find that you feel stronger and more self- assured. In essence, by exposing your true self, you also cre- ate a stronger self.
   

Remedy #5: Risk Exposing Your True Self

It can feel frightening to risk exposing your true self. Your old, false persona has no doubt served you well in many ways. But it has also kept you stuck in the Nice Girl syndrome and sapped you of your power. The following example illustrates some of the other prob- lems that come from your not being your true self.

Megan is a very charming person. It’s hard not to like her. She just oozes a sweetness that is very appealing. You can’t imagine that she could have a petty or angry thought in her head.

But underneath all this sweetness and light is a very resentful person. After working with Megan for quite a while, I discovered that she resents the fact that her life has been so hard. It seems to her that others have it far easier than she does: “When I look around me, everyone has more than I do. I have to watch every penny I spend, while my friends can go out shopping and buy whatever they want. It’s hard not to be bitter. Sometimes I just hate my friends, because they have so much more than me.”

So why is there such a discrepancy between how Megan really feels and how she acts? She learned very early on that if she were honest about how she felt, she would be criticized and even ostra- cized by her family. In Megan’s family, it wasn’t acceptable to com- plain. “If I complained about something, my mother would tell me to stop whining. If I continued, she’d punish me. One time, I com- plained that my food was too spicy, and my mother responded by saying, ‘Okay, if you don’t like it, go to your room.’ I ended up going to bed on an empty stomach. Believe me, I thought twice about complaining about food again—or anything else, for that matter.”

So Megan learned to keep her complaints to herself. She learned to hide any negative feelings and took on the cheerful and sweet per- sona that has served her well for many years—or at least she thought.

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But Megan got into one abusive relationship after another with men. And she began to gain weight.

By the time she came to see me, her extra weight had begun to threaten her health. “I’ve got to lose weight. I can hardly walk, my knees are so bad, and I’m constantly in pain from my gallstones. But I just can’t seem to stick to a diet.”

It soon became apparent that Megan stuffed her feelings down with food. “It’s been something I’ve done since I was a kid. Whenever I feel sad or lonely or angry, I eat to make myself feel better.”

Megan and I set out to help her start expressing some of the feel- ings she typically stuffed down. I suggested she begin with small risks at first, such as opening up more with close women friends. I suggest you do the same.

Remedy #6: Shed Your False Self and Claim Your True Self

To discover your true identity, you will need to peel away your false self—that self you created to become socially acceptable. This is not the self you constructed to ensure your survival as a child, nor the facade you adopted to be loved. It is not the woman who made other people the center of her life, nor the woman who constantly tries to please others.

The effort it takes to sustain your false self is both draining and self-defeating. It requires much too much energy to continue to maintain it. Shedding your false self will involve risking other peo- ple’s disappointment or even disapproval. It involves taking the risk of expressing your true thoughts and feelings, including those that are not socially acceptable or approved of in your family.

Underneath your public self and your false self, underneath your masks and facades, there is a core—your authentic self. Each of us travels through the journey of life with only one constant compan- ion, and that is our true self. How sad would it be if your closest companion was someone you didn’t even know? There is absolutely nothing as important as taking the time for self-discovery.

You can begin your journey toward self-discovery in a number of ways. The next three remedies outline the most effective ways—paths that women, including myself, have found to be most rewarding.

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Remedy #7: Learning about Yourself through Your Emotions

The key to learning about yourself through your emotions is to experience them without inhibiting, judging, or distracting yourself from them. This practice is called being mindful. Instead of fighting your emotions or walling them off, being mindful of your emotions can help you discover more about who you are. The following steps will help you to experience your emotions in a mindful way:

1. Begin by simply observing an emotion. Notice how it makes you feel. Notice what happens in your body as you feel the emotion.
   

2. Do not judge the emotion as good or bad.
   

3. Fully experience your emotion. Allow yourself to feel the emotion as a wave, coming and going. Try not to suppress the feelings or push the emotion away. On the other hand, don’t hold onto the emotion or amplify it. Just let it pass through.
   

Remedy #8: Find Yourself through Solitude

You don’t need to seclude yourself in a remote area or lock yourself up in your home for days at a time to experience solitude. You can begin by just spending fifteen minutes a day alone, without the dis- tractions of television, telephone, the Internet, or the radio. Just fol- low these simple suggestions:

1. Go to a quiet place in your home or outside where you won’t be disturbed. If there are others in the house, ask them to not disturb you or put a “Do not disturb” sign on your door. If you have small children who can’t or won’t respect your need for privacy, ask a friend to watch them for a little while. Unplug or turn off your phone.
   

2. Sit quietly or lie down. Take a few deep breaths until your body begins to relax. Notice if there is any tension in your body, and breathe into that area to relax it. Ask yourself why that particular part of your body is so tense.
   

3. Notice what comes into your mind. Do you start obsessing about what you have to do or about other people? If so, try
   

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   to clear your mind of these obsessions and focus instead on discovering how you are feeling. Are you feeling angry? Sad? Afraid? Guilty? Or are you feeling grateful? Happy? Secure or proud?
   

4. Continue to focus on your body and your feelings. Notice what comes up for you—any nervousness, sadness, fear. Just notice the feelings; you don’t have to do anything about them. Take a deep breath and just allow the feelings to be.
   

It can be extremely difficult to focus this much attention on yourself and your feelings. Many people have a hard time spending even a few minutes focusing in this way. You may become agitated or find all kinds of ways to distract yourself from yourself.

Your time of solitude may at first bring you only anxiety, fear, and sadness. Some women find that as soon as they spend even a few minutes alone with themselves, they are overwhelmed with a great sadness and that they spend their time of solitude in tears. If this happens to you, don’t be afraid and don’t let this discourage you. Your tears are there for a reason. You may have been pushing them away for years in your attempts to be nice and sweet and cheerful. Although it can be painful to cry all the tears you’ve been storing up, it can also be extremely liberating and healing. Many women have reported feeling as if a heavy burden was lifted once they allowed themselves to cry. This is particularly true for those who had traumatic or painful childhoods; these women needed to mourn their losses, disappointments, and woundings.

Others become so anxious they simply can’t keep still. They spend their time alone, pacing, trying to calm themselves long enough to connect with what they are actually feeling underneath the anxiety. This is especially true for those who don’t ordinarily spend any time connecting with themselves and their feelings. It can also be caused by having to face one’s aloneness in the world. If it becomes too difficult for you to sit still, try taking long walks, espe- cially if you can find a secluded place to do so. Let your walks become a moving meditation, a time to clear your mind and con- nect with your emotions and your spirit.

So be prepared for tears, anxiety, fear—even rage. Don’t be surprised if your mind races a mile a minute and you are unable to

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get in touch with anything at first. Be patient with yourself and with the process, and keep trying. Your efforts will soon be rewarded. Only by facing yourself, including your inner pain, can you achieve contemplation instead of boredom, wisdom instead of despair, and serenity instead of conflict.

Remedy #9: Find Yourself through Journaling

Journaling can be a powerful tool for self-discovery. Your journal can act as a silent companion that listens without judgment. It can reflect back to you aspects of yourself you have never been aware of. And as you begin to put your feelings and thoughts down on paper, you will find that you feel less alone in your solitude and that you are becoming your own loving companion.

Writing in your journal can help you stay focused and provide you with an outlet for self-expression. As you record your feelings, innermost thoughts, and dreams, you will discover more about your- self than you ever imagined possible. You will discover thoughts and feelings long buried, solutions and alternatives to problem situa- tions, new ways of looking at life-long issues, and, most important— new ways of looking at yourself.

Your journal can also be a place where you allow yourself to be completely who you are—no facades, no pretense, no saying what you think others want you to say—just the truth. Being totally hon- est with yourself can be difficult, but without complete honesty it is not possible to develop a true sense of who you are. I suggest you make a commitment to yourself to write only the truth in your jour- nal or start a “truth book” in which you tell only the truth.

If you are having difficulty getting started, try the following techniques:

• Try writing with your less dominant hand (the hand you don’t usually use).
  

• Try stream-of-consciousness writing (writing whatever occurs to you without editing or stopping).
  

Both of these techniques will help you bypass your internal cen- sors and discover feelings that are buried below the surface.

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Remedy #10: Come to Believe That What You Think of You Is Far More Important than What Others Think of You

You care so much about what others think of you because you want their approval. In actuality, however, the most important source of approval is your own. Unfortunately, Nice Girls do not approve of themselves much. They tend to be self-critical and to set perfection- istic standards when it comes to evaluating themselves and their own behavior. Although they may give others too many chances, they don’t give themselves enough.

Several years ago, a great deal was written and discussed about the importance of feeling gratitude for what one has. It is my belief that it is equally important to feel personal pride. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught that pride is a negative emotion (“Pride goest before the fall”) and that it is akin to being conceited or ego- tistical. But pride can be a powerfully positive emotion, especially for those with low self-esteem, who are self-critical, or who are perfectionistic. Having pride in yourself and your accomplishments is the best way to counter feelings of guilt, shame, regret, or self- criticism.

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The following ideas will help you to focus on the emotion of pride and to begin to use pride as a way to give yourself encouragement, acknowledgment, and positive reinforcement.

• Each night, before you go to bed, review your day and think about what you feel proud of. You may include the fact that you read a few pages in this book. Or perhaps you feel proud that you were able to say no to someone today.
  

• Make a list of the things you feel proud of each day.
  

• Complete the following sentence as many times as you can think of a response: “I feel proud of myself because