The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (7 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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Most men typically do better with one or the other of these traits, and in times of pressure (like a break up) act more and more from their position of natural strength. Natural Alphas get bigger and louder and become scarier and even less reliable. Natural Betas do more stuff for the woman and bore her to death with their neediness even faster. So more often than not, men’s natural reaction to relationship stress just intensifies the relationship problem.
So if you’re too Beta the solution is to add Alpha. If you’re too Alpha the solution is to add Beta.
Also the menstrual cycle affects what women are more attracted to throughout the month. For about three weeks of the month women respond more positively to Beta Male behavior. But when she is ovulating, Alpha Male behavior is more attractive. Importantly, while ovulation is only a small part of the month, this is when she is at her horniest and will make her most critical sexual decisions. Husbands who fail to display Alpha traits especially during ovulation run a higher risk for being abandoned, being cheated on, or raising children they think are theirs but aren't.
Personally, I fall along the lines of being more naturally Beta. For the majority of my life I’ve not been readily confused with being a macho man warrior type. My marriage has always been decent, but I've seen many improvements by learning to up the Alpha stuff as we’ve grown together.
There can be a misunderstanding that Alpha behavior involves some sort of purposeful aggression towards the wife like yelling, hitting, property destruction, issuing humiliating demands, public shaming, or demeaning her. Some of these things are Alpha in the sense that they are seeking to enforce social dominance over her, but they only act in the man’s interest in the very short term. Violence towards a woman seriously undercuts the positive Beta traits and will ultimately destroy the relationship. While thugs do attract some women, I certainly do not advise that approach to relationships as most women give thugs a very wide berth.
Ultimately the best Alpha display is that you're just going to make your way in the world with confidence and succeed at whatever it is that you're going to do. Opinions of the rest of the world be damned, you're your own man. And like a huge truck on the interstate, you just create a huge hole in the air that makes following you easy. Alpha isn’t about being a bastard who makes people obey him. Alpha is about making people want to follow you and pulling the attraction of women.
Beta isn’t about being a weak man that struggles to please a woman. Beta is about purposely creating a place to raise a family and creating comfort in your presence.
There are some natural conflicts between Alpha and Beta traits, but also some overlap.
(2.6) Bad Boys…
Clearly many women are attracted to Bad Boys, while Nice Guys frequently lament that women pay them no sexual attention. The Alpha and Beta Traits explain these issues very well.
A Bad Boy is someone with a very high Alpha profile, but minimal Beta Traits. These are the guys who can coast in relationships on the natural attraction women have for them. They typically have a very masculine appearance in dress, demeanor and body shape. But while Bad Boys certainly do pull the women, their relationships tend to be short as eventually the women become uncomfortable with the lack of comfort building support that the Beta Traits bring to the table. (For some Bad Boys the temporary nature of their relationships isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.)
With a Bad Boy, there’s always plenty of excitement and sizzling sex for the woman as she is highly attracted to him. She probably knows from the beginning it’s not going to last, but she is drawn to him anyway. It’s one thing for a woman to have sex with a passing professional sports player, a gang leader or the leather-jacket-wearing Harley guy who hangs at the bar. It’s quite another thing for her to consider raising a family with any of them.
When a Bad Boy is in a relationship and it starts to fail, typically he becomes even more extremely Alpha with the woman. These relationship breakups can be quite nasty for the woman as he gets louder and more aggressive with her, or simply just reveals a lack of empathy for her and removes her from his life as an annoyance. It’s one thing to feel like a Bad Boy’s “sexy bitch” when the relationship is good, it’s quite another to be smacked around like a bitch and dumped like a used whore.
(2.7) …and Nice Guys
A Nice Guy is someone who typically has a high Beta profile, but minimal Alpha Traits. A Nice Guy will pull women, but he pulls them differently. He “makes sense” on an intellectual level he is very comfortable to live with. This is the sort of guy that everyone tells a woman is “a real catch” if she marries him. He’s also a great partner for a woman who has been damaged in some way by prior abuse or is licking her wounds after a divorce with kids in tow. He’s going to provide a high level of comfort, which after a woman has been through a period of extreme discomfort she is going to find very appealing. Thus the Nice Guy can play the role of emotional ER for a woman freshly dumped by a Bad Boy.
This Beta Male comfort seeking in women fuels the female side of the mail order bride industry where women in poorer countries seek to jump ship to a richer one. The men who use these services typically do not present as Alphas, they are just lonely men willing to assist her in coming to a life of a better standard of living and comfort in exchange for her sexual companionship. Of course those involved in mail order bride seeking do experience it as a search for love, but the men clearly present a very strong Beta profile to these women as a way of attracting them.
However, Nice Guys are just too comfort creating and it all backfires on them. At some point a woman gets her fill of comfort and starts wishing for sexual attraction. Without a display of dominance, eventually she starts reducing her sex with him until it becomes nothing. Ultimately Nice Guys are just too sexually boring to the average woman for her to remain completely focused on one.
Important Concept
– When a relationship starts to flounder, the Nice Guy typically tries even harder to be nice to the woman. He tries even harder to please her, submits to her more, buys her expensive gifts and caters to her more. Unfortunately this is all the exact opposite of what the woman is looking for and the relationship gets worse as she becomes even less attracted to him. Increasingly irritated with his attention she starts to consider ending the relationship, and queues up the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech.
– When a relationship starts to flounder, the Nice Guy typically tries even harder to be nice to the woman. He tries even harder to please her, submits to her more, buys her expensive gifts and caters to her more. Unfortunately this is all the exact opposite of what the woman is looking for and the relationship gets worse as she becomes even less attracted to him. Increasingly irritated with his attention she starts to consider ending the relationship, and queues up the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech.
(2.8)
Growing Into Wholeness
Growing Into Wholeness
Both men and women struggle with finding the right inner balance of Alpha and Beta in their relationships. The ideal for women is that the sole man they are involved with has both Alpha and Beta traits, but it can take many men a great deal of time to learn and balance both sets of traits. So if a woman cannot find both Alpha and Beta in a sole partner, she may elect to try and find her own balance of both traits from more than one man.
What is often seen in young women is a ping-ponging between Bad Boys and Nice Guys – she gets a dose of crazy sexual attraction from the Bad Boy, but then she needs the comfort building and she seeks it from a Nice Guy and leans on him for emotional support. Then the cycle repeats over and over until the music stops at around age thirty-five and she’s scrambling to find a chair anywhere.
Sometimes women establish themselves in a relationship with a good Beta male, but meet their Alpha needs for sexual excitement through an additional male presence. That may be fairly benign if she gets her Alpha thrills through reading romance novels or obsessing over the Twilight books and movies. But it could also be through the excitement of taking an actual lover and having risky and intense sex with him.
Women can also attach to a heavily Alpha man and simply lack emotional comfort in the relationship. They can turn to a male friend and forge a deep emotional affair as a way of balancing out their need. Infidelity in women can easily start not from the need for sex, but from the need for intimacy. She may not even be sexually attracted to her male friend, but still have sex with him as a way of securing his continuing emotional connection to her.
For men it’s largely the task of working on the weaker area of their personality to find the balance. An Alpha Male needs to “grow up” a little and tone down the antics slightly, become a little more socially conscious and more of a team player. Beta Males need to “grow a pair” and start bumping back on the rest of the world rather than just taking it lying down. Either way works as a route and it’s a process to get there. You already know what your weak area is, so work on that for easy gains.
This chapter has covered Alpha and Beta as general concepts. The next two chapters will expound a little more on examples of what are the good versions of the Alpha and Beta Traits.
Chapter 3
The Alpha Male Traits
(3.1) Alpha = Attraction = Dopamine
The Alpha Traits are the things about a man that typically create attraction in women. Female attraction is the involuntary response to Alpha Male Traits that is built into the Body Agenda of women. Alpha Traits spark a dopamine hormonal response in women and it’s the dopamine that makes them experience the feeling and impulse of attraction.
Attraction is not controllable.
Attraction is not controllable.
(3.2) Physical Body, Semen and Genes
The first aspect of the Alpha Traits is the physical body of the male. Women are drawn to well muscled and lean male figures. It is quite possible to bulk up too far and find that women become repulsed by excessive muscle. The closer to looking like Michelangelo’s “David” he is, the better his attraction building is.
The point is that women look for a good source of semen, and therefore genes, for a potential pregnancy. Having a firm, fit and attractive body is a walking advertisement for those genes. Fit men ejaculate both more semen and better quality semen.
I have generally covered the importance of physical health in the Body Agenda chapter so let’s not repeat that and simply close with this -
it’s almost impossible to underestimate the importance of good physical health and fitness in attracting women.
it’s almost impossible to underestimate the importance of good physical health and fitness in attracting women.
(3.3) Peacocking and Preselection
Adding onto the physical health of a man is his appearance of being socially desirable and appealing. Male peacocks have enormously long beautiful tails, and when interested in a female peacock they fan them out behind them and shake them to attract her attention. The larger and more beautiful the tail, the more likely she is to mate with him. Thus the pickup artist strategy of “Peacocking” gets its name.
Peacocking refers to wearing clothing that act as a Display of High Value (DHV). Peacocking can be wearing clothes that are expensive and tailored to give a greater impression of wealth, or by wearing clothes that make a statement about a high profile occupation, like a business suit or doctor’s lab coat. Though obviously wearing a lab coat to a bar is horribly out of place.
Peacocking can also be the purposeful breaking of dress codes in such a way that it implies that the male is greater than the need to conform to the social arena. The boss of the company for example, might be completely comfortable popping into the office in jeans and T-shirt, while a junior manager would feel vastly under-dressed doing the same thing. It can also just be wearing something that is flamboyant and interesting that pulls female attention. Clothing always sends a message, positive or negative, about the man and women respond to that.
Preselection is another strong tie to how attractive a man looks. A man with no women paying him attention appears less attractive than a man with multiple women showing him attention. It could very well be the same man, but the effect of the difference in women paying him attention is the difference in his
perceived
attractiveness.
perceived
attractiveness.
Preselection explains the effect that many men notice of going from absolute droughts of female attention to floods of attention, with no real major changes in their skill with women. Simply put, once you pull the interest of one or two women, the rest tend to follow suit quickly. Newly married men that struggled to find women to date them and were tickled pink to find someone that wanted to marry them will frequently find that they have a greater ability to pull female attention now that they are married. Simply having a wife makes their “peacock’s tail” bigger and prettier so to speak.
It’s important to realize that women see and respond to attractive male appearance via Peacocking and Preselection the same way men typically respond to a woman dressing highly provocatively or taking her clothes off.
(3.4) Male Interests
Women are also attracted to men that have stereotypical male interests. Things like watching sports, doing dangerous things with cars and watching things being blown up float towards the top of the list of stereotypical male interests. Note that the women themselves may not be interested in these things, but they are attracted to men who are interested in them.
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