The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (4 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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(1.8) Why Cheaters Act Like Crack Addicts
Have you ever watched something about a sex scandal on TV and found yourself wondering why the cheater did something so stupid? In the wake of cheating there can be wrecked careers, tens of thousands of dollars just gone, shattered families and public humiliation. Often it’s all for a handful of sweaty moments that seem hardly worth it to an outsider. It’s really best thought of as the same process that drives an addiction.
From Wikipedia…
“
Dopamine is commonly associated with the reward system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities. Dopamine is released rewarding experiences such as food, sex, drugs...
Dopamine is commonly associated with the reward system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities. Dopamine is released rewarding experiences such as food, sex, drugs...
...such as cocaine, nicotine and amphetamines, directly or indirectly lead to an increase of dopamine in the mesolimbic reward pathway of the brain.”
In short, if anything “feels good”, it’s because your body gave you a little shot of dopamine. Whether it’s a great meal, hot sex, cocaine or being in love doesn’t matter, it’s a dopamine based reward system making you want to do it again. Importantly though, the same hormonal system that can make you rush to the altar can make you override your vows and sacrifice everything to be with your lover.
(1.9) I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You...
Having your wife tell you “ILYBINILWY” (I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You) is about the largest red flag there is that your relationship is in trouble.
A woman can have minimal “in love” feelings for the husband she is pair bonded to and just coast along for
years
with no apparent cause for concern. I know of marriages where the wife clearly craps all over her husband and has done so for years and years, but the marriage continues on unabated anyway. She might quite dislike him even, but she has no real thought of leaving him.
years
with no apparent cause for concern. I know of marriages where the wife clearly craps all over her husband and has done so for years and years, but the marriage continues on unabated anyway. She might quite dislike him even, but she has no real thought of leaving him.
It is of course quite easy to be faithful if no one else wants to have sex with you. But once a new man enters the picture who flips her dopamine on, things can unravel between a wife and her husband very quickly. The obsessive romantic thinking effects of the dopamine response can overwhelm the strength of the pair bond. The woman gets torn between the two men she is chemically drawn too. It's not an easy emotional state to survive in for long.
So when a wife tells a husband ILYBINILWY that invariably means there is a guy she is in love with that has entered the picture. Not only that, but she is usually actively trying to find a way to transition herself from being in a relationship with the husband to being in a relationship with the lover. In hormonal terms she is saying
“I oxytocin you, but I dopamine him”.
In blunt terms though what she really means when she says ILYBINILWY is some combination of:
"
I'm leaving you for him", "I'm thinking about having sex with him", "I'm having sex with him but I want to live with you still is that ok?",
and
"I think I might be pregnant and don't know whose baby it is".
“I oxytocin you, but I dopamine him”.
In blunt terms though what she really means when she says ILYBINILWY is some combination of:
"
I'm leaving you for him", "I'm thinking about having sex with him", "I'm having sex with him but I want to live with you still is that ok?",
and
"I think I might be pregnant and don't know whose baby it is".
ILYBINILWY is also used as female code for some combination of
"I have no clue how to make this decision"
and
"Are you going to fight for me?"
The other reason a wayward wife can say ILYBINILWY is as a delaying tactic to avoid the husband acting pre-emptively to end the marriage or take other action against her. Think of how hard it is for a man to toss the mother of his children and love of his life out of the family home… all while she weeps real tears and tells him she “loves him” still. She’s just not in love with him… and… cue up the Rationalization Hamster…
“(sobbing) This is all so hard… I didn’t want this to happen!”
"I have no clue how to make this decision"
and
"Are you going to fight for me?"
The other reason a wayward wife can say ILYBINILWY is as a delaying tactic to avoid the husband acting pre-emptively to end the marriage or take other action against her. Think of how hard it is for a man to toss the mother of his children and love of his life out of the family home… all while she weeps real tears and tells him she “loves him” still. She’s just not in love with him… and… cue up the Rationalization Hamster…
“(sobbing) This is all so hard… I didn’t want this to happen!”
Often the purpose of the delaying tactic is to actually dupe the husband into unwittingly assisting in the transition of the wife’s primary relationship from the husband to the lover.
(1.10) What it Means When She Says “I’m Bored”.
When a wife tells a husband “I’m bored” it is also a red flag but not nearly as bad as the ILYBINILWY one. What it really means is
“I need some dopamine, can you get me some?”
“I need some dopamine, can you get me some?”
What she’s announcing is that she is experiencing a lack of stimulation and excitement. The opportunity is there to provide her with some sort of interaction and play that
does
stimulate her. If you fail to stimulate her enough, she may take matters into her own hands and find a source of stimulation.
does
stimulate her. If you fail to stimulate her enough, she may take matters into her own hands and find a source of stimulation.
One easy way of creating some exciting drama is by picking some sort of fight with you. I’m not saying a fight is fun or pleasant for either of you, but it is certainly very stimulating and you’re usually giving her your full attention while yelling at each other. Then afterwards while you’re still somewhat keyed up from the yelling, you can have hot make up sex with her. Some women also pick fights just to get their man worked up into having “angry sex” with them and really pounding them in the sack.
The other way of creating some drama and getting a dopamine rush is by looking outside the relationship.
“I’m bored”
can start coming closer and closer to sounding like
“You aren’t listening to me, I keep telling you I’m getting bored of you and you do nothing about it.”
A husband who fails to listen and pay attention to this clear red flag may be in for some nasty surprises in the future.
“I’m bored”
can start coming closer and closer to sounding like
“You aren’t listening to me, I keep telling you I’m getting bored of you and you do nothing about it.”
A husband who fails to listen and pay attention to this clear red flag may be in for some nasty surprises in the future.
(1.11) Concealed Ovulation
If a human female was similar to other primates, when she ovulated her ass might turn bright red and swollen, there might be an intense aroma wafting from her vagina and she might make some sort of vocal call that alerted all male humans in a mile radius that she was able to get pregnant. Now as amusing as that sounds, imagine what life would be like if women
actually did that.
actually did that.
For the majority of the month, husbands could probably completely ignore wives. As in, not even live with them. As in,
“I’m hanging with my buddies at the bar for three and a half weeks, text me if your ass starts turning red.”
Or he could simply spend three weeks… well listening for that sex call women did and “following his nose” so to speak.
“I’m hanging with my buddies at the bar for three and a half weeks, text me if your ass starts turning red.”
Or he could simply spend three weeks… well listening for that sex call women did and “following his nose” so to speak.
But for those two days of ovulation, he would have to absolutely stick to her like glue. Everyone male would know she was fertile and keen for sex. We’d probably be allowed to not come into work on those days and just stay home and have sex repeatedly. We’d be calling our boss
“Her ass is turning red and all I can smell is vagina. I can’t come in today”.
Your boss would believe it too, since in the background he could hear your wife making that screeching call repeatedly.
“Her ass is turning red and all I can smell is vagina. I can’t come in today”.
Your boss would believe it too, since in the background he could hear your wife making that screeching call repeatedly.
But women have the entire ovulation process pretty well hidden and it’s purposely confusing to both her and her husband. Usually a woman doesn’t wake up in the morning thinking
“Oh wow, I’m ovulating, I’m going to need the four inch heels and a Brazilian wax”,
they just wake up and think
“Ooooh I want to wear the red dress today. I feel great!”
This is why women struggling to have a baby wander around taking their temperature half the month waiting for the sudden increase in body heat signalling it’s time to get some baby batter from her husband and get a bun in the oven.
“Oh wow, I’m ovulating, I’m going to need the four inch heels and a Brazilian wax”,
they just wake up and think
“Ooooh I want to wear the red dress today. I feel great!”
This is why women struggling to have a baby wander around taking their temperature half the month waiting for the sudden increase in body heat signalling it’s time to get some baby batter from her husband and get a bun in the oven.
A woman’s moods and sexual interest can swing up and down because of her Body Agenda. Her body doesn’t want him to know when she is ovulating and could become pregnant. Plus the body also wants to confuse her a little as well; if the body can get her a little bit sloppy and silly, then she might slip up and get pregnant. This is why asking a woman what she wants is often frustrating for both of the couple as she may have no real idea what she wants either. Women can be confused by their own moods as much as the men in their lives are.
Because ovulation is concealed and somewhat random, it forces a male partner to hang around to ensure paternity. Her sexual interest might stop and start a little during her cycle and the male has to be constantly available to have sex. Any one sex act might be the one that gets her pregnant, so it creates the need for a primary partner to pay her attention and create a serious committed relationship. This is quite excellent for holding a regular male partner around to help raise children.
The other reason ovulation is concealed is so she can cheat. There’s no possible way a male can watch his primary female partner 24/7. Everyone falls asleep or needs to use the bathroom eventually, so despite a very high level of attention a husband gives a wife, she will always have some wiggle room to disappear briefly for something quick and dirty. Because ovulation is concealed, there’s no sure way for the husband to know whether or not she was perfectly faithful even when he was watching her like a hawk.
The evolutionary purpose of this cheating is that while her primary male partner may be a good provider and pleasant companion, another male could offer her significantly better genes to impregnate her with. It’s a try and have your cake and eat it too proposition. A woman may have sex with her partner thousands of times and with a lover maybe only a handful of times, but if any of that handful of times results in a pregnancy to the lover, it’s an extremely significant outcome.
The link between ovulation and cheating is highly significant in that when she ovulates, a woman experiences a large spike in her sexual interest. Ovulation lasts only a few days, usually no more than two, but it is the highest point of sexual interest for a woman. Even quite low sex drive women can perk up and play for sexual attention during ovulation. It’s when a woman is most likely to cheat on a partner, she is most likely to orgasm and in plain simple terms when she likes sex the roughest.
If you pay consistent attention to a woman, it’s usually easy enough to discover when she is ovulating. There won’t be a blatant change to her dress code from “demure angel” twenty-six days a month to “slutzilla” for two days a month. She’ll generally stick to her basic appearance, but she just ups the ante slightly. Some more exposed skin, a little more attention to her makeup, a little more jewellery. Her interactions with men will be a little more attentive and flirty, with something like extra touching on the arm, eye contract and smiling.
(1.12) Hidden Female Sexual Impulsivity
Women are just as sexually interested as men are, but it’s typically hidden beneath the surface of their behavior. If you believe that women aren’t as sexually interested as men are, then you have been fooled… which is precisely the point of the general female sexual strategy.
The reason women use this strategy of hiding sexual interest is because of a combination of three things:
(1) Women have a high social cost for being overtly sexual.
This social cost has become less acute in the last few years with the rise of the hook-up culture, but it is certainly true historically and one shouldn’t be surprised if the historical values return at some point in the future. The branding of a woman as a “slut” or a “whore” is a serious affront to her. Most men want women who will remain exclusive to them to assure his paternity for any children she has, so a woman that sleeps around lowers her sexual value. A women that sleeps around impulsively
before
marriage, gives an indication of a sexual impulsivity that will likely continue
after
marriage. Therefore most women do make an effort to not gain the reputation of being a slut to maintain their chances of marriage.
This social cost has become less acute in the last few years with the rise of the hook-up culture, but it is certainly true historically and one shouldn’t be surprised if the historical values return at some point in the future. The branding of a woman as a “slut” or a “whore” is a serious affront to her. Most men want women who will remain exclusive to them to assure his paternity for any children she has, so a woman that sleeps around lowers her sexual value. A women that sleeps around impulsively
before
marriage, gives an indication of a sexual impulsivity that will likely continue
after
marriage. Therefore most women do make an effort to not gain the reputation of being a slut to maintain their chances of marriage.
(2) Women are highly sexual and cheat as often as men do
. Assuming heterosexual sex, every time a man cheats, a woman cheats as well.
It’s just math.
So under the projection of
“good girl who’s not so interested in sex that I’ll cheat on you,”
is what can be a very turbulent sea of desire, especially when they ovulate. A woman interested in a man other than her partner can at times quite aggressively seek him out (though usually he needs to make the first move on her), and enthusiastically have sex with him. Then depending on the circumstance either seek to stay with her current mate, or attempt to jump ship to the new one. The results of DNA testing prove that anywhere between 2% to 30% (this number varies wildly by social group) of all children are fathered by a man other than the wife’s husband. The general statistic of around 10% seems to be a rough average. Women cheat just as much as men do; they are just way sneakier about it in comparison.
. Assuming heterosexual sex, every time a man cheats, a woman cheats as well.
It’s just math.
So under the projection of
“good girl who’s not so interested in sex that I’ll cheat on you,”
is what can be a very turbulent sea of desire, especially when they ovulate. A woman interested in a man other than her partner can at times quite aggressively seek him out (though usually he needs to make the first move on her), and enthusiastically have sex with him. Then depending on the circumstance either seek to stay with her current mate, or attempt to jump ship to the new one. The results of DNA testing prove that anywhere between 2% to 30% (this number varies wildly by social group) of all children are fathered by a man other than the wife’s husband. The general statistic of around 10% seems to be a rough average. Women cheat just as much as men do; they are just way sneakier about it in comparison.
(3) A woman’s sexuality can often lie somewhat dormant until triggered by her response to a sexually attractive man.
Many women can go months or years feeling only moderate desire, then once exposed to someone who interests them turn as hot for sex as a male virgin getting felt up for the first time. The intense desire for high quality males to have sex with, lies latent in all women. A woman risks an enormous amount of resources and effort in having a baby, so having top quality semen to start the process off is a critical concern. This need for a high quality male is what drives the fairly common story of a quiet “sexless” wife suddenly going sexually berserk over a new man, despite her frustrated husband having spent years begging her for sex.
Many women can go months or years feeling only moderate desire, then once exposed to someone who interests them turn as hot for sex as a male virgin getting felt up for the first time. The intense desire for high quality males to have sex with, lies latent in all women. A woman risks an enormous amount of resources and effort in having a baby, so having top quality semen to start the process off is a critical concern. This need for a high quality male is what drives the fairly common story of a quiet “sexless” wife suddenly going sexually berserk over a new man, despite her frustrated husband having spent years begging her for sex.
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