The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (2 page)

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Authors: Athol Kay

BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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(0.3) Why You Got Married in the First Place

 

Let’s be real here – maybe you had some good reasons for marrying your wife – but we both know what really counted was you wanting to have sex with her. You might have done that “Pro and Con” thing with a line down the middle of the page, but whatever was on the “Con” column didn’t matter a damn compared to
“I get to screw her!”
on the “Pro” side of the page.

 

I also know that apart from your hobbies, pretty much everything else in your life is just a hoop that you have to jump through to get back to having sex with her. When you jump through all those hoops and the sex just doesn’t happen like you think it should, you get hurt…you get angry…but mostly you’re confused.

 

You’re confused because you think you’re doing the right things for her, because she probably tells you that’s what she wants you to do. Then everyone tells you that women are so complicated and so hard to understand that a regular guy doesn’t really have a hope of figuring them out. Then a small army of experts will tell you that your problem is you’re not jumping through enough of her hoops! Then when your sex life starts tanking, they all tell you that a declining sex life is normal in a marriage.

 

Sometimes in the middle of all this she can walk out on you, cheat on you or tell you to leave. So while I am all about getting you laid like tile, there are also serious situations we have to address as well. I’m going to show you how to make the good stuff happen and the bad stuff not happen.
(0.4)
Part One – What She Really Wants

 

The first part of the book is going to bring you up to speed on how sex
really
works for men and women. There’s a bit of biology to brush up on first, because when it comes right down to it, sex is about two bodies coming together to try and make a baby. At least that’s been the purpose of sex for millions of years.

 

This part of the book looks at the disconnection between how women are biologically wired to look for a certain type of mate, but as modern women, they need quite a different sort of man in their life. That biological “wrong wiring” is at the root of the vast majority of marital drama and failure. Better understanding her biological wiring means that you can start to adjust your game plan and start doing things
that she really wants.
Thankfully, it’s not all about learning the correct technique of loading the dishwasher.
(0.5) Part Two – The Male Action Plan

 

Once you’re properly familiar with what she really wants, you’re automatically going to start playing a better game by at least stopping some obvious mistakes. But that’s not enough for me – I want teach you how to actually switch the balance of power in the relationship from her to you. If she’s in charge of your relationship, she doesn’t really respect you as a man and that’s why the sex is so bad. If you’re in charge of the relationship, she will respect you
and that’s what turns her on.

 

In addition to teaching you the basic principles of The Male Action Plan (The MAP), the second part of the book is going to cover several different long term strategies for sexual success. Some are going to be more important to you than others. Test what works best for you, then run with it.
(0.6)
Part Three – Sexy Moves

 

This is the fun stuff! The Sexy Moves are all small, practical things you can do to inject sexy romance into your day. This is where I teach you how to kiss her, how to touch her, how to make a move on her, how to date her and (gulp!) maybe even spank her a little.
Women love this part of the book.

 

If you want, you can actually dive straight in to Part Three and start trying some of the moves out on her; they are all easy to do and really do work. But you will find them more effective if you read the first parts of the book and understand
why
they work as they do.
(0.7)
Part Four – When Push Comes To Shove

 

Part Four also covers critical areas where husbands commonly run into trouble. We can both hope you never have to employ some of these defensive strategies, but knowing you have them in your tool kit is going to make you feel more confident. For example, if you have a clear plan for quickly exposing and dealing with her should she ever cheat on you, she’s not likely to ever risk it. Knowledge is power and power is sexy.
(0.8)
Warnings

 

Now as your official Genie of the Lamp, I do have a couple of warnings for you.

 

You can’t bring back the dead
– If your relationship is truly over and the divorce is final, it’s usually just best to accept that it’s over and move on. You can try if you want, but it’s a very long shot.

 

You can’t make anyone fall in love with you
– What I’m going to show you will absolutely set the stage for love and sex to flourish, but you can’t actually
force
that to happen. You may very well do everything I say in this book and your wife can ignore all your changes and still not be sexually interested in you. As you will see in the chapters on doing The MAP, if she doesn’t respond to you, then you will have a very natural progression to leaving her and will be perfectly set up to find a new love who will be excited to have you.

 

A small technicality
– I
can
promise you that you can have a wife that wants you passionately; I just can’t 100% assure you that it will be your
current
wife. I wouldn’t want things to get awkward between us later on, so throwing that out there now.
(0.9)
Women Have Exceptionally Good Hearing

 

Also if the women reading were still here to listen to this discussion between us men, I would give them a warning too.

 

If you give this book to your husband and he does what I say, he will become a far more attractive man. That means not only will he be more attractive to you, he will be more attractive to other women as well. As your husband steps up his game, you may have to step up yours as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part One

 

What She Really Wants

 

Chapter 1
Body Agenda

 

(1.1) True Love…?

 

At some point in your marriage, you’re going to look over at your wife and wonder what you got yourself into. Marriage which seemed so very traditional and conservative will suddenly seem as risky as skydiving when someone else packed your chute. Why would
you,
a perfectly rational man subject yourself to getting married?

 

The answer is that we aren’t nearly as rational as we like to think we are. When we find that special someone our own body can release hormones and neurochemicals that make us almost uncontrollably romantically fixated on the beloved.

 

For myself, I have no idea why I married Jennifer. Oh sure I could rattle off a dozen good points about her, but many of those same points were true about other women I knew. In fact before I met Jennifer, I had a friend called Penny who is very similar in looks and personality to my wife, just she’s taller. I distinctly remember looking at her one day and trying to figure out why I felt absolutely no romantic interest in her. Everything about her checked off on my secret list of wife material points, I just had no interest in her beyond friendship. I even felt stupid for that lack of interest seeing objectively, she was a real catch.

 

Then I met Jennifer and it was like discovering cocaine. More Jennifer please. More. MORE! With the exception of what I carried in one suitcase I literally left everything behind in New Zealand to come be with her and that didn’t even happen until we had survived a three year long distance relationship. Getting married was just a required task to getting more Jennifer, so I jumped through all the hoops needed to marry her.

 

So why are we so helplessly foolish in the face of love? Well the answer is
our bodies
may really be the ones running the show…
(1.2) You Are Not Your Brain

 

Our large human brain very much sets us apart from the animals. It’s our greatest strength as a species and supplies us with the raw cunning to vault us to the head of the class in the domination of the planet. Because of that tremendous strength, most people have the idea that the “real them” is housed in their mind and that their body is just a vehicle to transport them around.

 

Whether or not it is believed that we are a spirit, a higher being, a soul, a reincarnation or simply a very bright biological computer doesn’t matter - all these approaches to thinking about what makes up “the real you” believe that the body is a
tool
for that intelligence. In short, it’s believed that we are all self-aware and experience reality as a set of sensations that gets relayed to our brains. Based on those sensations we make choices and are in complete control about what we do.

 

However, we also know that this really isn’t the whole picture. We have plenty of control over our bodies, but we all know there are limits to that control. We can learn to control bowel and bladder and be toilet trained, but we’ve all experienced some acute moments in our lives where despite our toilet training and express desire to hold something in, our express desire was completely irrelevant and something very much exploded out.

 

The same thing happens with vomiting. We may even rationally figure out that we just ate something, or drank many somethings, that the body would be better off moving rapidly to somewhere outside of the body. We may rationally think to ourselves
“I really should puke this up”,
but once the vomiting itself starts “you” (meaning your brain) basically become a passenger in the experience of clutching at the toilet bowl and intense stomach contractions.

 

Likewise with members of the opposite sex, you may meet someone who quite objectively is attractive and sociable and interested in you, but you have no sexual interest in them. And of course there is the maddening attraction to members of the opposite sex you may even actively dislike, who you
know
are no good for you.

 

Much of your body just runs on auto-pilot 24/7 and your rational higher thinking brain isn’t even required for almost all of it. In fact sometimes thinking about our automatic body functions can interfere with their natural rhythm. One of the first tricks of the trade you learn in the medical field is to pretend to still be taking the patients pulse while you are in fact counting their respiration rate. The reason being that once a person knows you are watching their breathing, they tend to hold their breath or start to hyperventilate. When you take someone’s pulse they tend to mentally focus on the fact that your hand is on their wrist and their breathing remains normal.

 

In a very real sense humans are no different than animals who all quite happily have all their bodily functions work quite nicely without a high school diploma or Internet connection. We are a truly gifted species intellectually, but even that is a result of DNA hardwiring intelligence into our bodies.
(1.3)
The Rational Brain is a Late Adaptation

 

Riding roughshod over evolutionary science for a moment, the key understanding is that the uniquely human highly rational brain is in fact a late adaptation to the human animal from perhaps only a few millions years ago. It’s something that evolved as an advantageous tool for the human animal to use. Somewhere back in “The Time Before Writing” humans with bigger brains started out performing whatever was around at the time and slowly the big brains started taking over and running the show.

 

Perhaps the human animal could have evolved to have poisonous spit, or razor sharp tusks or night vision as a means of trying to grab a bigger piece of the pie. We didn’t, instead we evolved our superior brain to do the same job. So in this sense your brain, what you may think of as “you” -
is a tool for your body
, rather than your body being a biological machine to allow “you” to walk around and get places. So in a very real sense “you”, are your body and “you” are not nearly as fully in charge of yourself as you may think you are.

 

When it comes to sex, we have a multitude of biological programming hard-wired into us that very much sets our interest in the opposite sex. What we find sexually attractive in others is usually beyond our rational control. In fact our minds may very much wish to be attracted to some group of traits or someone in particular, but our bodies can choose for sexual interest in other traits or someone else entirely. This is why a woman can swear she wants to love and have a relationship with a “Nice Guy,” but then finds herself drawn into sweaty entanglements with a “Bad Boy.”

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