The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (3 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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(1.4) The Rationalization Hamster
Obviously with things like trying to hold our breath forever, or not use the bathroom, we can only really delay the inevitable a little before we gasp for air or wet our pants. Our rational brain has only a tiny amount of influence but no real control over autonomic body functions. But with behavioral choices that have a moral component, our rational brain very much plays a part in deciding what we do… at least on the surface of things.
Say a delivery truck transporting bread leaves its door open and you are passing by. If you’ve just had a hearty breakfast, you are very likely going to pay that open door minimal attention as you believe “stealing is wrong.” But if you are very hungry and your family is hungry, you are going to be interested in all that unattended bread. There is a conflict between you understanding that stealing is wrong and you wanting to steal the bread; this conflict can be solved however, by finding a convenient rationalization to justify stealing the bread. Something like
“Stealing is a less serious wrong thing to worry about than the very serious issue of my children starving.”
Now armed with this rationalization, you can happily steal the bread… because only an immoral person
wouldn’t
steal the bread in your circumstances.
“Stealing is a less serious wrong thing to worry about than the very serious issue of my children starving.”
Now armed with this rationalization, you can happily steal the bread… because only an immoral person
wouldn’t
steal the bread in your circumstances.
Hunger is well understood as a clear motivation for behavior. Truly hungry people will do nearly anything to get food and they clearly understand the motive at work. When it comes to sexual desire however, most people are not fully aware of what exactly is motivating them, so a rationalization for their sexual behavior can take place without the person being even aware that they are rationalizing; they can even be fooled0
themselves.
This sexual mental sleigh-of-hand is called The Rationalization Hamster. More fully it is called The Female Rationalization Hamster because female sexuality can have great swings in her sexual interest during her menstrual cycle, so women tend to require greater use of rationalizing sexual behavior (or lack thereof) than men do.
themselves.
This sexual mental sleigh-of-hand is called The Rationalization Hamster. More fully it is called The Female Rationalization Hamster because female sexuality can have great swings in her sexual interest during her menstrual cycle, so women tend to require greater use of rationalizing sexual behavior (or lack thereof) than men do.
As a common example, a wife who doesn’t want to have sex with her husband often announces that she has a headache. She’s rationalizing why she doesn’t want to have sex and her Rationalization Hamster pops out a perfectly good excuse… she has a headache… which is convenient in that she gains task avoidance of the unwanted sex, but she’s not so sick that she is required to actually get up off the couch and seek medical attention. Unless her husband has an MRI scanner in the basement, he can’t actually prove she doesn’t have a headache, so he’s forced to accept her version of things. He could call her a liar about the headache of course, but that would just be picking a fight with her with no proof of her lying. So her lie about the headache works!
When it comes to illicit sex with an affair partner, there are strong social sanctions against cheating on a loved one, so the rationalizations required to overcome the sense of wrongness are much greater. A wife may love her husband and not want to hurt him at all, but she also may want to cheat on him with Mr. Studly next door. Thus the job of The Rationalization Hamster is to make up as much mental bullshit as possible until she can be comfortable with herself cheating on her husband. It’s sort of a cloaking device for a conscience.
“
Yes of course cheating on a husband would be wrong, but in this case my husband hasn’t really been paying attention to me and he hurt my feelings by not picking out the china pattern I wanted for the reception and I’m just so lonely and neglected. He also dated a friend of mine when we were broken up before and I think he just did that far too quickly, so I’m really not even sure he really cares for me anyway. Plus
Yes of course cheating on a husband would be wrong, but in this case my husband hasn’t really been paying attention to me and he hurt my feelings by not picking out the china pattern I wanted for the reception and I’m just so lonely and neglected. He also dated a friend of mine when we were broken up before and I think he just did that far too quickly, so I’m really not even sure he really cares for me anyway. Plus
I just feel so special and loved when I’m with Mr. Studly, so how could anything so special really be wrong. In fact I deserve this experience since I’m always putting everyone else’s needs before my own. It’s finally my turn to be happy!”
Meanwhile the husband may be a great husband but just have a vague dislike of Mr. Studly that he can’t quite place.
In the middle of affairs the Rationalization Hamster goes into absolute overdrive spinning everything like a White House press secretary in the middle of a scandal. It’s what allows rational and kind people to do the most illogical and horrible things to the people that love them the most in the world.
(1.5) Body Agenda
So while our brains can have a very acute sense that having kids is labor intensive, expensive and… well, that the little brats can be quite annoying at times, our bodies tend to be quite keen on trying to make more of them. Our bodies have their own agenda for making babies that they keep sneaking into our consciousness for action. Potential sex partners are sized up as possible mates and the environment is assessed for the suitability for bringing children into the world.
Generally as long as there is an adequate food supply and reasonable shelter, the environmental conditions for making babies are met. As an example, much of modern human courtship behavior involves “going out to eat” and trying to “get the girl home,” thus meeting the two primary environmental needs for getting the green light for baby making activities.
We are so used to the easy use and availability of birth control, having sex with the goal of making a baby is actually quite rare compared to the modern normal sex activity of just doing it to have sexual pleasure. As an example my wife and I have had sex around 5000 times in our marriage, but based on how quickly she got pregnant, we’ve probably only had “make a baby sex” about a dozen times if even that. Nevertheless our bodies don’t really know the difference between sex for fun and sex to make babies. To our bodies all sex is about making babies and raising them and our bodies evaluate what is sexy based on what is going to meet those goals.
(1.6) What is Sexy?
Once you start looking at human sexual behavior with the mindset that whatever is good for making and raising babies is sexy, everything regarded as sexy starts making perfect sense.
It can be physical:
Fit
,
healthy bodies are sexy because they pass on good genes to the baby.
,
healthy bodies are sexy because they pass on good genes to the baby.
Beauty is sexy because beauty is an indicator of health and good genes.
Bigger boobs are sexy because the
y indicate higher fertility and a woman with them has
a better chance of having a baby.
y indicate higher fertility and a woman with them has
a better chance of having a baby.
A 0.7 waist
-
to
-
hip ratio
on a woman
is sexy because it is a key indicator of the likelihood of a full term pregnancy and the
successful
delivery of a baby.
-
to
-
hip ratio
on a woman
is sexy because it is a key indicator of the likelihood of a full term pregnancy and the
successful
delivery of a baby.
Youth is sexy because younger people make healthier babies.
Strong is sexy because sometimes you need to
beat off invaders or
move something heavy to improve life for baby.
beat off invaders or
move something heavy to improve life for baby.
Lots of semen is sexy because that stuff just rocks for making babies.
Tall is sexy because it shows good health and nourishment
. For a woman, this means
her
baby is likely to be healthier
.
For a man
,
this also
indicates that
he
is likely to have a stronger social presence.
. For a woman, this means
her
baby is likely to be healthier
.
For a man
,
this also
indicates that
he
is likely to have a stronger social presence.
It
can be material:
can be material:
Rich is sexy because all that money is money that can be spent on raising baby.
A house is sexy because baby will have somewhere safe to live.
It can be trait-based:
Smart is sexy because baby will be smarter and better taught. Plus high intelligence is related to good semen production and motile sperm.
Foreigners are sexy because cross breeding
-
passes on
a
better immune system to baby.
-
passes on
a
better immune system to baby.
Being good with kids is sexy because an active father is good for raising baby.
Courage is sexy because sometimes baby has to be defended from predators.
It can be social:
Having multiple women interested in the same man (a.k.a. Preselection) is sexy because if multiple women are interested in a man, it’s probably because they all
want to have his babies and are willing to compete for him.
want to have his babies and are willing to compete for him.
Listening is sexy because it means you can communicate and form social bonds
,
which means you’ll probably stick around to raise baby.
,
which means you’ll probably stick around to raise baby.
Fidelity is sexy because it means
both parents will be focused on raising their baby.
both parents will be focused on raising their baby.
I’ll say it again…
what is sexy is anything that is good for making or raising babies.
what is sexy is anything that is good for making or raising babies.
(1.7) Hormones are Feelings
We all have feelings both positive and negative, but what is not fully grasped by most people is that our feelings are not simply abstract things, but have a real world physical component as well. Our bodies produce a vast array of hormones that act as physical messengers of emotion and feeling. Take away the hormones and your feelings vanish as well.
In a very quick summary of the work of Dr Helen Fisher, in terms of sexuality and relationships, there are three main hormonal systems that are at work.
Dopamine
– This creates the “in love” feelings of excitement and the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder-like mental obsession on the person of desire. This is the thing that makes you crazy about the other person and makes you wonder why they aren’t calling you. As an important aside SSRI anti-depressants can interfere with dopamine and have the very well known side effect of blunting sexual desire. Per Dr. Fisher they can also diminish the ability to experience romantic interest as well.
– This creates the “in love” feelings of excitement and the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder-like mental obsession on the person of desire. This is the thing that makes you crazy about the other person and makes you wonder why they aren’t calling you. As an important aside SSRI anti-depressants can interfere with dopamine and have the very well known side effect of blunting sexual desire. Per Dr. Fisher they can also diminish the ability to experience romantic interest as well.
Oxytocin / Vasopressin
– these are the pair bonding hormones; oxytocin more for women and vasopressin more for men. These hormones create that warm companionate love. It’s cuddly and caring. These are the same hormones that are released into the parents in a great torrent after the birth of their children.
– these are the pair bonding hormones; oxytocin more for women and vasopressin more for men. These hormones create that warm companionate love. It’s cuddly and caring. These are the same hormones that are released into the parents in a great torrent after the birth of their children.
Testosterone
– this creates the general sex drive, and both men and women need testosterone to get horny. Men have much higher amounts of testosterone than women do, but that should not be taken as an idea that men have a much higher sex drive than women do. Men use testosterone for a large number of things in their body compared to women, while women tend towards using the majority of their testosterone to trigger sexual interest. Men and women both have a fairly similar sexual drive.
– this creates the general sex drive, and both men and women need testosterone to get horny. Men have much higher amounts of testosterone than women do, but that should not be taken as an idea that men have a much higher sex drive than women do. Men use testosterone for a large number of things in their body compared to women, while women tend towards using the majority of their testosterone to trigger sexual interest. Men and women both have a fairly similar sexual drive.
It’s very important to understand that these three hormonal systems operate independently of one another. It’s very possible to feel a huge crush on a co-worker (dopamine), while feeling warmth and contentment with your wife (vasopressin) and just a raw lust for the barista at Starbucks with the perfect boobs (testosterone).
There is also a general perception that romantic love (that’s the dopamine) fades away in a marriage after a few years and it turns into a more easy going cuddly type of companionate love (vasopressin). The truth is it doesn’t – these are two separate systems. Some married couples do experience that plummeting of romantic feelings but many long term couples also experience in-love feelings coming and going over the years while a pair bonding persists the whole time. Also in arranged marriages it’s clear that one can completely skip the opening romance and head directly into marriage and pair bonding takes place anyway.
Testosterone is the hormone that powers the base physical sex drive and is why men can get turned on by strippers. Men can have no romantic or companionate feelings for a woman, but if she’s naked and jiggling inches from their face, they usually experience sexual arousal.
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