The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (142 page)

A man was driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he was pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

“No. Why?” replies the man. “I’m sure I wasn’t weaving all over the road, was I?”

“No,” replies the officer, “you were driving superbly. It was the fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious.”

How do you fuck a fat lass?

Roll her in four then go for the wet spot.

What do fat people do in the summer? Stink.

How do you know when your date is too fat? Your car has stretch marks.

How do you tell if a girl is too fat to fuck?

When you pull her knickers down and her arse is still in them.

How do you know when your woman is too fat? When she needs an hour to take a shit, including forty-fve minutes just to align her arse to the toilet bowl.

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

A piece of cake!

A friend of mine was a chubby chaser – he was really into very fat women. He went to a bar one night and saw a fat bird walk in. He went over to chat to her and they ended up back at her house and he sweet talked his way into her bed. They started shagging away, and after a while he says, “Can we turn the light off, please?”

“Why,” said the fat bird, “am I that ugly?”

“No,” he replied. “It’s just that I keep burning my arse on the light bulb.”

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat?

When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.

Why do meat and potato pies have holes in the top?

So people from Wigan can carry four in one hand.

Why did God invent alcohol?

So fat women can get laid too.

How do you find a fat girl’s muff?

Flip through the folds until you smell shit, then go back one.

My wife keeps telling me that obesity runs in her family. It must be the only thing that does.