The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (146 page)

The swallow.

Why is giving a woman oral sex like playing Monopoly?

Because it may have seemed like a good idea at the start, but it always takes too long to finish.

A man walks into a pub and says to the barman, “Line me up ten whiskies.”

So the barman lines them up and the man gulips them down one after another. “Christ,” says the landlord. “What are you celebrating?”

“My first blow job,” replies the man.

“No shit!” says the landlord. “Have another one on the house.”

“No thanks,” says the man. “If ten whiskies doesn’t get rid of the taste, another one won’t make any difference.”

What do lobster thermidor and oral sex have in common?

You can’t get either of them at home.

There’s a sucker born every minute, but a swallower is harder to find.

Three mates are chatting in the pub. One says: “My wife only lets me have sex once a week.” The second says: “Think yourself lucky. My wife only lets me have sex once a month.” The third says: “You’re both lucky. If my missus didn’t sleep with her mouth open I wouldn’t be getting any at all.”

What is LXIX?

Sixty-nine the Roman way.

What’s an Australian kiss?

The same as a French kiss, but down under.

What is the definition of “Egghead”?

Something Mrs Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What’s the worst thing a mother can say to her child?

I should have swallowed you when I had the chance.

What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

What has six legs and eats pussy?

You, me and Martina Navratilova.

What is the definition of a perfect male lover?

A man with a nine-inch tongue who can breathe through his ears.

How can you tell that you have an exceptionally high sperm count?