The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (141 page)

“I fooled you, sister. The truth is, I’m really married and I’m Jewish!”

“That’s okay,” the nun replies. “My name is Frank and I’m on my way to a fancy dress party.”

Sister Mary Katherine entered an order called the Monastery of Silence. Upon her arrival, the priest said, “Sister, this is a silent order. You are very welcome here for as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for seven years before the priest said to her one day, “Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for seven years. You are allowed to say two words.”

Sister Mary Katherine replied, “Hard bed.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” the priest said. “We will get you a better bed.”

After another seven years, Sister Mary Katherine was called upon by the priest. “Sister, you have been here for fourteen years. You are now allowed to speak two more words.”

“Cold food,” replied Sister Mary Katherine. The priest assured her that the food would be warm in the future.

On the twenty-first anniversary of her arrival at the monastery, the priest again called upon Sister Mary Katherine. “You may say two more words today, sister.”

“I quit,” said Sister Mary Katherine.

“It’s probably for the best,” said the priest. “You’ve done fuck all but moan ever since you got here.”

A coach load of nuns are travelling along a dangerous mountain road to Lourdes when the coach brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the passengers are killed instantly. The nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven, where they meet St Peter, who is standing next to a font filled with holy water. St Peter greets the nuns and asks the first in line, “Is any aspect of you impure in some way?”

The first nun replies hesitantly, “Well, I did once see a man’s penis.”

St Peter tells her not to worry as the holy water will purify her vision. He then splashes holy water on to her eyes and allows her through the pearly gates.

He asks the second nun the same thing and she replies, “I did once touch a man’s penis.” St Peter then purifes her vision and dips her hands in the holy water to purify her touch and then allows her through the pearly gates.

St Peter is just about to interrogate the third nun when a nun at the back barges through to the front of the queue, looking very fustered.

St Peter asks, “Is there a problem, sister?”

The nun replies, “No worries, I just want to make sure I gargle before Sister Susan dips her arse in it.”

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary very late one evening when their car breaks down. The nearest garage is shut and doesn’t open until morning so they decide they have no option but to spend the night in a bed and breakfast. When they get there they are told that there is only one double room available.

The priest says: “Sister, I don’t think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I’ll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.”

“I think that would be fine,” agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes later the nun says: “Father, I’m very cold.”

“No problem, sister,” says the priest, “I’ll get a blanket from the cupboard.”

Another ten minutes later the nun says again: “Father, I’m still very cold.”

The priest replies: “Don’t worry sister, I’ll get up and fetch you another blanket.”

Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: “Father, it’s still very cold. I don’t think the good Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for one night.”

“You’re right,” says the priest. “Get your own fucking blankets.”

A small town has a monastery at one end and a convent at the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It’s a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over. As he gets to the edge of town, a prostitute approaches him and asks, “Excuse me, father, fancy a blow job, £25?”

The priest says, “What’s a blow job?” - at which the prostitute laughis and walks away. In the middle of town another girl approaches the priest and asks the same question, with the same result. At the other end of town, a third hooker asks the priest the same question, to which he again replies, “What’s a blow job?” And, again, she laughis and walks off.

Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, “May I ask you a question, sister?”

“Of course,” she says.

“What’s a blow job?”

“£25,” replies mother superior, “the same as in town.”

I went out with this girl who was a nymphomaniac kleptomaniac. The bitch stole all my condoms.

“Doctor,” the woman said to the psychiatrist, “everyone says I’m a nymphomaniac.”

“I understand,” said the shrink. “But I’ll be able to take better notes if you’ll let go of my cock.”

Did you hear about the Mexican nymphomaniac?

She had Juan too many.