The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (137 page)

You get your wife and your job back.

What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven’s First Movement.

Did you know that Neil Diamond and Sid Vicious once collaborated on a song together?

It was called: “You don’t bring me fowers any more, you cunt.”

What’s got three breasts and can’t sing?

Kylie and Danni Minogue.

What is thirty feet long, has ten teeth and stinks of urine?

The front row of a Daniel O’Donnell concert.

What’s the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway
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I was in Oxford Street and I bumped into Paul Weller. I said to him “Oi, Weller! I’ve got all your records!” I’d love to see the look on his face when the cunt gets home and realizes he’s been burgled.

How do you know when the stage is dead level?

The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

What is the definition of “perfect pitch”?

When you lob Liam Gallagher into a toilet without hitting the rim.

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?

You can tell it’s coming but there’s no way to stop it.

Queen guitarist Brian May has finally had his doctoral thesis in astrophysics published. He can now prove categorically that fat-bottomed girls make the rocking world go round
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Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to click his fingers. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone . . . “Every time I click my fingers, a child in Africa dies.”

A voice from near the front pierces the silence: “Stop doing it then, cunt!”

The IRA captured Ian Paisley, Margaret Thatcher and Daniel O’Donnell, but they only had two bullets. Who did they shoot?

Daniel O’Donnell twice, just to make sure.