The Lost Blogs (10 page)

You can give me your answers
here
.

(There are 6,542 more questions available for you to answer
here
(Pt 1) and
here
(Pt 2).

From:
http://www.edwardjohnsmith.com/shipslog/

Subject:
Retirement!

It’s finally here—my last voyage as Captain of a vessel before I retire and leave the high seas behind. As you most likely
are aware, I will be at the helm for the maiden voyage of the RMS
Titanic
—which will leave England on April 10 on its way to New York City.

I am so excited!!! This is going to be so much fun!

Yesterday evening, my friends and family gathered to see me off on this major milestone and wouldn’t you guess—they made up
a simply
embarrassing shirt
for me to wear in my off-hours. An obvious joke, and referencing the time while I was captaining the
Germanic
in 1899 when my ship capsized due to ice accumulations—they handed me a shirt with what appears to be a huge iceberg on it.
I tried it on and we laughed for hours at how obscure such a situation was! Once in a lifetime, I guess.

Some of our family friends crafted a song that was simply inspired—it was called Edward “Full Speed Ahead” Smith and made
fun of the time when I was in charge of the
Olympic
—when it was damaged during a collision with another ship named the HMS
Hawke
. It was lyrically humorous and sung to the tune of “Old McDonald”:

Edward John Smith had a ship
,

Uh oh, oh my God
.

And on that ship, he had some people
,

Uh oh, oh my God
.

With a boom crash here, And a crash boom there
,

Here a leak, there a leak, everywhere a wet leak!

Edward John Smith crashed his ship
,

Uh oh, oh my God!

Haha—they are so funny. You can hear us singing the song
here
.

As always, when the night ended, and all the jokes about my previous accidents were left behind as silly little memories—we
all shared a moment and they wished me well. It was, to say the least, a wonderful evening before this monumental journey
I am about to undertake.

Fortunately, retirement will be here before I know it. I can’t wait!!

From:
http://www.darwin.com/blog/

Subject:
The Mother-in-Law

All God-fearing men find that there are some things more fearful than the wrath of the Almighty—which this poor soul found
out two fortnights ago upon meeting for the first time my beloved’s mother.

I must say, it being the first time, my stomach was tied and twisted… My skull headachy and clouded with questions. My health,
which had been good up until that moment, was quick to fall. My dearest E’s mother had a look about her that which I had never
seen before.

My finger to put a point on it, after a longish evening of tea and crackers, the thought came to me. Respectful as I could
be, I did not mention the thought to E until after we had left her mother behind. It was then that I said to E just what I
was thinking. Her mother, however nice and motherly and helpful—her facial features (things I am quite aware of due to my
work as a naturalist) reminded me of the African gorilla.

She was not pleased to say the least.

As I’ve said numerous times prior, my belief is that all creatures were created in the beginning… and remained as such throughout
time. But in that moment, staring down the nose of my dearest wife’s mother’s face—I began to wonder if indeed such thoughts
might be wrong. For, what if E’s mother-in-law, of the human species, was at some point not human at all? Perhaps, the longest
ancestor removed… of an animal species?

My beloved, of course, was cross with my thoughts and I apologized, for ’twas not meant to harm emotionally. But today, I
cannot stop thinking about this idea. It is, yes, against God’s original plan—but what if there is another explanation?

I received a letter last month from those planning a worldwide expedition on the HMS
Beagle
— looking for a naturalist on a trip to the strange Galapagos islands. I had disregarded such a trip for there was no reason
for me to go—for what hypothesis would I be able to prove in such a place? That is, now, my thoughts betray me.

My mother-in-law looks like an ape. And I must find the reason for such a thing—and the one place I know where to look is,
out there, in nature.

I have placed on here,
side by side
, a picture of my beloved’s mother and the African gorilla. While I am gone, you may discuss amongst yourselves if you think
my beliefs have merit or are simply the insane mutterings of a less-than-respectful husband.

From:
http://www.pt_barnum.com/blog/

Subject:
Current Job Openings at Barnum Amusements!

Most of you reading this blog are familiar with the famous midget “General Tom Thumb” and the famous show which I produced
with him. We have had a rollicking run but now it is time for new performers to take his place! We are currently hiring new
performers!!

Please
e-mail me
if you have any of the following talents and/or deformities… or you know someone who does. You can also upload your résumé
here
or create one in the
Barnum Résumé-a-Popper!

Barnum Amusements Is Currently Looking For:

Women who look like men.

Men who look like women who look like men.

Midgets who fancy eating a ton of cheese.

Native Americans who have piercings and dance exotically.

People who can squirt liquid out of their nose or ears.

Extremely tall or fat people who have squeaky voices.

Half-animal/half-humans.

People who are missing limbs and/or have deformities who are comfortable working with squirrels.

Ugly fat babies that are cross-eyed.