The Lost Blogs (14 page)
Authors: Paul Davidson
If you have come looking for Matoaka (Pocahontas), then you are in the correct place. If you are looking for the other who
calls herself Shurbaota (Pocahontas), then you should turn around and go
here
.
Now to Powhatan and Kocoum.
My father, whom you all know (Powhatan), has seen fit to determine who it is that I, a young girl of only twelve seasons,
should join with. This… Kocoum. At first, all that I could muster was a growl of a tiger… The annoying screech of the midnight
owl. The quiet of the reeds in the Tenakomakah waters was nowhere to be heard. I was angered, but could not do anything against
my father.
Shaori and I sat and talked for some time about being promised to another. She, of course, gave my soul a great deal of peace
when she suggested that at least we weren’t being forced on the white man. The colonists who come from far away, eating up
the land like carnivores. We laughed about the horrid white man and their technologies. Their dirtiness. Their inability to
communicate. Their lack of respect for the nature that surrounds us all.
At least you don’t have to be with a white man, Shaori told me. It was a truth as real as the grass beneath our bare feet.
When my father placed me alongside Kocoum, as he stripped the carcass of a doe, I found myself humbled by his strength and
courage and honor and dedication to both my father, our tribe and me. And he wasn’t a white man. Eiiiiwwwwwwww. Gross.
The lesser of two evils is always the best in any decision…
And so, I, Matoaka—will look forward to the time when my age will ripen and to when Kocoum and I will find our paths intertwined
… Together… Fate will find us, as it always does!
Check
him out!
Look at his bare, rocklike stomach!
Subject:
Queries Abound!
Indeed, it’s no surprise I’m still attempting to complete my latest novel, one which looks as if it will be the first published
document ever in my life—an honor that I must admit both frightens me and inspires me. Nonetheless, I have yet to explain
the concept but I must keep it a secret until the final version of the book has been unveiled.
Yes, I will admit that the novel is taking much longer than previously expected—but it is not due to any creative block of
the mind, of that you must be sure. I simply must get things perfect. This is my goal. I have received many letters from those
wondering when this delayed manuscript will be forthcoming (including my publishers) but there is nothing to fear. This first
book will be completed extremely soon! All of the hard questions have been answered—I am simply dotting my i’s and crossing
my t’s and putting the very very final final touches on my masterpiece!
In the meantime, in an attempt to keep my audience constantly guessing, I am putting up a brand-new feature I have dubbed
“Questions from Beyond” where you answer questions you have absolutely no real basis of study in answering, but which you
answer nonetheless, simply because I ask you to. (Again, these are random hypothetical questions, in no particular order,
whose subject matter really has nothing to do with anything.)
Question #1: Let’s say you created a machine that would allow you to travel through time. Where would you go?
Question #2: Assume for a second that something like that was even possible (which it’s not, and no one is even postulating
or writing about such a fact), but once you got there, what do you think you’d find?
Question #3: Do you think you’d be pleased if you met a female of the species there? Would she have light hair or dark hair?
Would she wear clothing that accentuated her legs?
Question #4: On a totally unrelated note, would you call this machine simply “the time machine” or would you name it after
a family member (e.g., the HG Wells Machine)?
Question #5: Changing subjects for a moment—if you had to name a strange group of people you’d never met before in a strange
society you’d never been to before some fashion of strange foreign-sounding name, what name do you think you’d use?
Question #6: Totally going off subject again, but I must wonder aloud—would a story about a machine going into another time
benefit from adding in political commentary or allegorical references to today’s society?
Question #7: Do you fancy fish and chips? Or tea and crumpets?
Yes, I know. Simply ludicrous notions and questions just for the sake of asking silly little questions of my readers! Sometimes,
the stranger and more nonsensical questions make this feature even more amusing! I can’t wait to see your responses when you
send them to me at
[email protected]
. Seriously, send them soon so I can laugh about them with my colleagues! Send them now, if you can. I have to go out later
and I’d like to read them all very quickly before I have to go out… I have dinner with my publisher! Yes, just answer them
now. Go ahead. Do it now.
If you can send some of your answers tonight, I’ll take time out from finishing my first novel to peruse your simply crazy
answers to such illogical queries.
As for the book… the finished copy will be completed very very very soon!
Thank you!
HG.
From:
http://www.odysseus.gr/blog/
Subject:
Helen = Problems
May Zeus save me from this curse!
You may remember my
previous entry
about Helen, daughter of Tyndareus. The numerous suitors competing for her attention and hand in marriage. The final result
being Menelaus. The suitors’ agreement to defend Helen’s choice in any future battles. And so on and so on and so on.
And now here I sit, years into the battle against the city of Troy—the result of Paris and Helen’s forbidden love and him
taking her from her rightful mate. The result of being recruited by Agamemnon (
[email protected]
) to defend her honor and
return her home.
I am charged with filling a wooden device filled with soldiers that Epeius has been directed to build. The evening prior,
while camped on the hill overlooking Troy, we discussed what sort of wooden device would fitfully hold enough warriors to
do irreparable damage to the unsuspecting city of Troy.
Epeius drew up plans to build a boar, an ox, a cow and a rabbit. I looked over such plans but there appeared to be little
space for those chosen to take on such a mission. I thought long and hard about size, the element of surprise, and the ease
of skill in building such a device and came up with the final thought that…
… such a device is insanity.
Personally, had I woken up to a knock on the door of my estate and stood eye-to-eye with a lumbering, huge monolith in the
shape of an ox or a cow or a boar… Suspicion would run rampant. Such creatures are simply not indigenous to these lands.
Whoever’s idea was such, should honestly be hung. Puh-leeeeze. A huge wooden animal? It’ll never work!
I came up with an elephant! If you’re going to build something… If you must build something, as it has been ordered, then
the least suspicious of all in the kingdom of
animals is the elephant! Of this I am sure. Elephants, I have heard, at least will travel from door to door in a populated
area or throughout the countryside. They are sociable animals that I think would not shy away from a quick greeting or knock
at the door. But an ox or a cow or a boar or a rabbit? Not sociable animals at all, nor do they have a trunk, which is perfect
for knocking on things. An elephant. That is what it must be.
I will present this idea when morrow comes—as for this evening, I will practice my reasons for building such a nonsuspicious
creature out of wood.
May Zeus protect my ideas from being ignored!
From:
http://www.london_jack.com/ripper-blog/
Subject:
Another Lonely Night…
Aaah, another lonely night as the words prior so eloquently state.
Here I sit, with my feet up by the fireplace, hot cup of tea by my side… Both my little best friends lying at my feet (Willingsworth
and Frannie, the English setters)… And a wish in my heart for a soul mate just like myself.
The luck, it seems, is only set aside for the Irish and not the English, as I am.
Often I sit, scribbling in my journal, writing about the future I see for myself. A loving wife, whom I adore and wait on
hand and foot—bringing her flowers for simple occasions and rubbing her feet after a hard day’s labour. The two of us, we’re
inseparable. We finish each other’s sentences. She adores me almost as much as I adore her. How can there be no woman who
matches such qualities in a city as large as London?
Sometimes, I find myself walking the night streets looking for such a soul mate. Looking for a woman who makes my life complete.
Fills my face with colour. Completes my soul in a way that turns its half into a whole.
But alas, she [or you, if you are reading this] is never there.
I am a respectful man. A successful man. A dedicated man. My looks, they may not slay a thousand maids but they are not off-putting.
But beauty, at least in my eyes, is never just on the surface. It’s what’s inside that matters most. As such, when I meet
a lady for the first time, I do not gaze endlessly at her milky white skin or her supple breasts—but I instead gaze deep into
her eyes and into her soul. That is where a true woman exists.
Did I mention my e-mail? You can get me a message at
[email protected]
.
Sadly, no one has contacted me via such a way, but I am always hopeful that someday the woman I am fated to meet will contact
me. That the two of us will meet in a neutral
place, preferably late at night (I am truly a night owl, when the stars are bright in the night sky and the fog has lifted)
and that she will fall for me in a way she has never fell before.
Here’s to you milady—wherever you are!
J.
From:
http://www.thomas_crapper.com/blog/
Subject:
Another Visit with Your Favorite Crapper!
I spent some valuable time with the littlest Crapper in all of England this past weekend when I was invited to the Norfolk
house of Prince Edward to consult him about adding an astounding thirty lavatories to his Sandringham House.
George, my nephew, who is indeed the smallest Crapper in the entire family, was invited to the job so that he may learn the
ins and outs of being a well-respected, highly admired, thorough and professional Crapper. Needless to say, the little Crapper
has got a lot to learn if he ever wants to match up to the biggest Crappers in the family business.
Upon returning home, I finished the item pictured
here
, that I have previously mentioned to you through this blog, that I have called the “ballcock”—a floating mechanism I believe
will someday make my “valveless water waste preventer” a reality. Personally, I must say that there’s nothing more exciting
than being a bona fide Crapper and holding a ballcock in your hands at the same time. Just knowing that this family of Crappers
was responsible is more than worthwhile.
As you’ve all seen in the advertisements, we Crappers want to bring a comfortable and sanitary experience to you and to a
lavatory that will serve as an extension to your main house. As a well-known Crapper, you know that such a thing is the highest
on my list of priorities.
But before presenting people with my ballcock, integrated into a toilet, it is necessary to come up with a variety of names
for this new device that would honor some of the greatest Crappers around. Such a name should be dignified and instill respect
and when the time is right, I will reveal the chosen phrase to all. The official name for one of civilization’s most civilized
devices! Here’s a couple of such ideas to whet your appetite:
Underground water-filled pipe mechanism
Force-powered lavatory symphonic flush
