The Language Inside (31 page)

the next morning we’re up early

Mom is wearing her bead necklace

and clutching the amulet

from Madoka’s mother

and she is smiling

and looking tough

like she’s headed out

for a road race

in the kitchen I hug her

Toby hugs her

YiaYia hugs her

then Mom doesn’t want any more of that, says

okay, let’s get this over with

Toby and I go out in our slippers

our fleeces over our pajamas

and wave as Mom and Dad

drive away in the dark

till the car’s rear lights

turn out of sight

and even a little after

Japan-style

then we go inside and start to wait

even though it’s not really time

to wait

we eat breakfast

watch TV

make tea

Gram and Gramps arrive

bake oatmeal raisin bars

and time crawls

finally I go for a run

around the hour

surgery is beginning

my cell phone in a pocket

the first mile or so

I feel wooden

like I should give this up

I slow my pace

nearly walk

but then my body clicks in

and I pick up speed

breathing

stepping

steady

thinking of Zena’s words—

    
but like eyes

    
even one

    
is better

    
than none

back at the house

I shower

get dressed

sit on the bed

and wait

I take out my notebook

picture Zena

in the Newall Center

every day

waiting

I write

    
a mermaid swims

    
through seaweeds wondering where

    
her legs went

then I can’t focus

so I stand

try pirouettes

later I open my notebook again

and write

    
barking dog

    
rides the wave to shore

    
then barks for more

and

    
Samnang!

    
so, who is this girl Serey and how long have

    
you been seeing her and what do you share

    
besides Khmer heritage and dance?!

because I realize suddenly Serey is probably

that girl who was dancing opposite Hanuman

I close my journal

try kanji practice

               writing characters

               in columns of fifteen boxes

               column after column

               to fill a page

               then another . . . 

until the phone rings

I drop the workbook

fly downstairs

and it’s Dad

saying Mom’s in recovery

all went well

with the surgery

and he’ll call again

in an hour or two

after she’s been transferred

from ICU to her room

I don’t know what to do for the next hour

so I open my dresser drawers

refold clothes

arrange my earrings in pairs

then go downstairs for lunch

which is moussaka

that YiaYia has made from scratch

the cinnamon

the meat

the potatoes

the eggplant

the topping

just right

finally we get another call

and Dad says Mom’s in her room

not quite herself but doing well

and she said she might even be up

for a visitor or two

late afternoon or early evening

after she sleeps

a visitor or two?

how can you remove

a significant part of a person’s body

and they can be talking

               
talking!

about having a visitor or two?

I think

               there is something fundamental

               I don’t understand about surgery

but suddenly I can breathe again

stop hunching my shoulders

and gritting my teeth

and I can’t help it

even though I know he’s in class

and won’t get the message till later

I take out my phone to text Samnang

and tell him

all good, surgery done

and I email Madoka

and tell her the surgery went smoothly

okagesamade
—thankfully