The Language Inside (34 page)

we don’t have time for my poem

because Samnang appears at the door

minus Serey, I note

and I apologize to Zena, saying

I have to go visit my mother

and Zena does that thing with her eyes

going up again and again and again

yes yes yes
in affirmation

just like at the end of that poem

about the girl talking to God

so I bend down and kiss her

               right on the temple

               near her purple barrette

which startles both me

and her

see you next week
I say

outside I ask Samnang about Serey

and Samnang says he’ll come back for her

after he takes me to meet my grandparents

and I apologize for troubling him

but he says it’s no problem

he’s glad to help

and likes driving Chris’s car

I ask him about Leap Sok

what they did today

and he says that Lok Ta Leap

was talking about before Pol Pot

when he lived in Battambang

after he left the temple where he was a monk

he was writing about climbing up

to these ruins at Wat Banan—

    
this temple with a long stairway of stone steps

he was trying to describe the view from the top

what kind of view?
I ask

360 degrees

rice fields, sugar palms

villages, a river

nice
I say

yeah
he says
makes me want to go there

Samnang asks about my mother

when she’ll be able to come home

and he’s just as nice as always

and I’m completely confused and wonder

               did something change?

or did nothing change

and I was just a fool to think

he was somewhat interested in me before?

he doesn’t say a word

to explain Serey

and I don’t ask

Gram and Gramps are already waiting

at the gas station where we agreed to meet

Gram waves me over and hands me

oatmeal raisin bars for Samnang

which I hand him through his window

wanting to linger but wanting to go

then I nod-bow and he drives away

I climb into the backseat with Toby

and then we’re off to the hospital

where we park in an underground garage

take an elevator up and enter the corridors

and I try not to look left

or right or even, sometimes

straight in front of me

to avoid seeing needles

and tubes and fluids

we find Mom’s room

and she’s actually sitting up

and smiling for God’s sake

and we all go over to her

and kiss her in turn

and she’s asking me about Zena and Samnang

and wants one of Gram’s oatmeal bars

and I can’t believe a body can do this—

               lose a part and act like

               it’s nothing

I guess the surgeons do have

good tools

presurgery

Mom opted not to do

reconstructive surgery

               
I’m built small
she’d said

               
I’m a runner

               
it won’t take much of a falsie

               
to match my other

and now I’m glad she decided

on fewer procedures—

the simpler the recovery

the better

I say
aren’t you in pain?

and she says

some

but I’m on strong drugs

and slept a lot

and I’m so glad to see her cheerful

and to see the relief in her face

but as I’m standing there staring

               at her

               and the IV drip

               that attaches to her hand

               that pours stuff into her hand

               and a tube running into her pajama top

I try to gaze hard at just her eyes

but they start going dark

and she sees me looking

then I hear her

from far away

saying

                            
Emma?

when I come to

I’m lying on the floor

and my father is leaning over me

Toby’s on the floor beside Dad

pressing an ice pack to his forehead

and a nurse is telling me to

               
lie still

as she adjusts a rolled-up towel

under my head