The Language Inside (27 page)

she asks about the tsunami

and I tell them about Madoka’s family

the aunt still missing

and how I wish I could be there helping

then I ask if Lily dances, too

the folk, the classical

no, I only tried it in the camps
she says

refugee camps?
I ask

Lily nods

some dancers who’d survived

taught us

Lily turns back to the stove then

which I think means

I shouldn’t ask more

so I ask Sam what he’ll be dancing

in the upcoming performance

some folk and I think one classical
he says

get him to show you the DVDs

Beth says as she walks by

the one from the water festival

and the one from the state college

so after we finish making spring rolls

Sam takes me into Chris’s art studio

and we sit down in front of a beat-up desk

surrounded by Chris’s sketches tacked to the walls

and paintings leaning and stacked everywhere

Sam slides a DVD into a computer

and fast-forwards

and there he is onstage

dancing with some basket things

this is the fishing dance

those are fish traps
he says

and suddenly I’m in another world

Toby comes in, leans over us, says

hey! like soran

which is exactly what I’m thinking—

soran bushi
and other folk dances we learned

for school sports festivals in Kamakura

and that I later danced with a
yosakoi
team

Sam skips forward on the DVD

and then he’s a monkey with a mask

one of several onstage scratching, leaping

somersaulting, playing with his tail

doing cartwheels and back handsprings

and he’s lithe and athletic and amazing

then he skips again and says

here’s a classical dance—

not me, but maybe soon . . . 

I want that part—Hanuman

and he points to a character in white

with a dagger and monkey mask

dancing opposite a girl

with an ornate gold tail

it’s from the Reamker
he says

the Cambodian Ramayana

oh
I say

and think

note to self:

               learn about the Reamker

and Sam says

this is the part where Hanuman the monkey king

finds the mermaid who’s stealing the stones

for making the bridge to the island

where Sita is being held

and I look at Sam

who’s staring intently at the screen

and maybe, the girl

and I am suddenly filled with

envy and awe

and other feelings

that make my face go warm

then Beth comes in with Mom and Lena

and she asks Sam to go back to the monkey dance

and we watch that dance again to the end

then the music changes from classical Cambodian

to hip-hop and the monkeys break into crazy moves

and Van is jumping around mimicking them

when they all leave the room

I ask Sam to show me the fishing dance again

I tell him I learned some folk dances in Japan

and explain about my
yosakoi
team

how long have you been doing this?
I ask

since I moved back to Lowell

when I was twelve

why didn’t you tell me?
I say

and it sounds accusing

which is not at all what I’d meant

but it seems like such a big part of him

and I don’t know why but

I’m suddenly jealous . . . 

the dance? the girl?

I had no idea you dance

so seriously, I mean

Sam says
well, it’s hard to explain

Americans don’t get this

unless they see it

I bristle

Americans?

I’m American and I get it

and in Japan we dance folk dances

and Obon dances all the time

which is a stupid thing to say

because people hardly dance them

all the time

but I can’t seem to stop my tongue

not all Americans are the same

and anyway,
you’re
American

he skips the DVD back

to another classical piece

with five girls dancing

silver cups in hand

he turns from the computer to me

as the girls toss something from the cups

and waits until I look at him

hey
he says

I swallow

glance at him

hey
I say back

we return to the kitchen

and help his mother ready the feast

she speaks to him in Khmer

then switches to English

and back to Khmer

and suddenly I realize

from the way his mother speaks to him

from the way Chris and Beth speak to him

and from some forms and papers on the refrigerator

that say
Samnang Gill

that “Sam” is Samnang

not Sam Nang

and I feel like a complete

and total

dodo

Samnang

Samnang

Samnang

I say to myself

and I wonder if I ever

actually called him Sam

to his face