The Guide to Getting It On (88 page)

If He Comes Really Fast

Some of us guys can come pretty quickly the first couple of times we have intercourse. Some of us don’t even get a penis inside before blowing a wad. Anxiety can do that, and there’s nothing wrong with being anxious.

Coming soon might not be such a bad thing your first time. Part of the reason why sooner might be better is when a woman hasn’t had a penis in her vagina before. There might be some rearranging or familiarizing that needs to go on inside of her pelvis. So less thrusting might be better than more. It might even be that nature intended for first-time males to launch early.

Still, if you are worried about coming too soon, get some really thick condoms made out of recycled boots to help dull the sensation.

Afterward

The time you spend together after you have your first intercourse can be as important as the time during and before. So don’t try to do the deed minutes before your team bus is leaving for the state finals. Spend time together afterward and be aware of each other’s emotions. Maybe you’ll want to hold each other, or maybe you’ll want to run downstairs and raid the refrigerator.

You can’t predict how you will feel afterward. Perhaps you will be relieved, maybe happy, disappointed or sad. Perhaps you’ll feel extra close to your partner, or maybe you’ll feel alone and isolated. That probably depends more on the quality of your relationship than anything else. Allow for a full range of possibilities and the time to experience them in the hours and days that follow.

What if It Wasn’t Mind-Blowing?

“Relax and don’t expect it to be like the romance novels.”
female age 32

Who knows what makes for mind-blowing sex, but don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. If you are thinking that your first time will change your life or transform your relationship, it probably won’t unless you get knocked up or get a sexually transmitted infection.

Where to Do It

“Our favorite place was on the floor in the room over my parent’s garage when they were out somewhere. When the garage-door motor clicked on and started vibrating the floor we had just enough time to finish, clean up, button up, and act natural before my parents walked in.”
male age 26

For your first time, a quiet, familiar and comfortable setting might be best. But finding a private unhassled location can be a challenge any time you have sex! Ideally, find a time and place when roommates, friends or parents won’t be barging in. And please don’t do it your first time in a spare room at a party. You might not care now, but maybe you will in a few years. Thinking back over that could be a big regret.

Once you have lots of experience under your belt, exotic locations are fine places to have sex. But for now, safe and familiar is best. If you try it in a bathtub or hot tub, chances are good the water will wash away your natural lubricant. If you do it on a beach, the sand will find its way inside the woman’s vagina.

No Time for Sex Toys

If you are so inclined, there’s plenty of time in the future to bring out your stock of dildos, cuffs, and strap-ons. When it’s your first time, why not stick to the lovemaking basics?

The one exception might be a vibrator, assuming the woman already uses one and enjoys it. It might not be a bad thing for her to get herself off right before you try intercourse. This can help her relax and it might help her first intercourse feel really nice. Her partner can always hold her while she masturbates or uses the vibrator.

If You’ve Waited until Marriage

The average reader of
The Guide
is not necessarily the kind who waits until the first night of marriage for sex, so it’s not like we have a huge data-base of advice to pass on. But if you think about how stressful a wedding and reception can be, the night of your wedding might not be the best time to make it your first time. Then again, all that adrenaline might be just the ticket! Talk it over ahead of time.

Advice for Guys

Look over the following advice that our female readers have for women who are doing it for the first time:

“Make him go slowly and be sure that you are aroused sufficiently before you let him enter you because it will probably be a little uncomfortable the first time. If he rushes, it will hurt and you won’t enjoy it at all.”
female age 35

“Make sure you really want it and it’s not about being pressured. Masturbate together first. Be comfortable together. My first time was painful and humiliating; there’s got to be a better way.”
female age 38

“Make him read the
Guide To Getting It On
first!”
female age 30

Men who are virgins tend to be at a disadvantage their first time because they usually don’t have the courage to admit that they haven’t done it before. So instead of being honest and trying to explore together, the guy tries to fake it. Hopefully, readers of this book won’t be so silly.

Your first time can be special and sweet, but not if you need to pretend that you know what you are doing when you really don’t. Here are a few tips for guys who are about to make their maiden voyage:

• Positions:
  Your first time is no time to get fancy. Go with the old-fashion missionary position where she is on her back and you are on top. There’s plenty of time later for her to be on top. Missionary is better for the first time.
  
• During Intercourse:
  If you are on top, she’ll want to feel some of your weight on top of her, but not the full nine yards. So use your arms, elbows and knees to support yourself and thrust with your hips. Not to worry, you’ll get the hang of it. Heck, even your dad did.
  
• Thrusting Speed:
  Contrary to what you might have seen in the movies, thrust slowly. Go really, really slow and enjoy each and every slip and slide. If she wants you to speed up, she will tell you.
  
• Your Lips:
  You will be hard-pressed to find a single woman on the planet who wouldn’t enjoy it if her lover planted some tender, gentle kisses on her neck or lips as his penis is getting to know her vagina.
  
• Porn:
  What makes sex work in a relationship and what makes it work in porn are two very different things. In porn, the camera abhors a tender and loving touch. It comes across as being boring. In real life, tender rules. The two of you have plenty of time to explore having rougher sex after you are more experienced if that’s what both of you want.
  
• Oral Anyone?
  In some situations, it makes perfect sense to go down on your partner before intercourse. In other situations, this would be too overwhelming for her. The two of you need to decide together.
  
• Also, take time to read the instructions in the condom box.
  
• Erections #1:
  Not to worry if your erection is a bit flaky. Chances are it’s never been under this kind of stress before. Keep kissing, laughing or feeling each other up instead. If you do what’s described in the other how-to chapters of this book, she’ll forget all about your penis.
  
• Erections #2:
  First-time lovers sometimes rush because the guy might be worried he will lose his hard-on. If he does, he does. It’s far more important that you take your time, with lots of kissing, touching, and more kissing. The goal of sex is to share pleasure, fun and intimacy. You don’t need an erection or intercourse to do that.
  
• Coming:
  It’s not unusual to come kind of quickly your first time. However, some guys aren’t able to come at all. Either way, don’t stress it. This is about the two of you enjoying each other, not about coming.
  

Putting It In Your First Time

The finest GPS in the world won’t help you with this one. And it doesn’t matter how much porn you might have watched. Guiding your penis into a vagina can be a challenge whether it’s your first time or fiftieth. If you read Chapter 23 on intercourse you’ll find that a lot of really experienced guys still have their girlfriend or wife guide it in. You would be very wise to ask your partner to guide it in as well.

Asking for a hand (or fingers) isn’t a sign of being dumb or a dweeb. It means you are smart enough to know when to seek help. Otherwise, you can cause her unnecessary pain and yourself unnecessary embarrassment.

On the other hand, not all women are able to be helpful in guiding a penis into a vaginal opening. Perhaps some playful fingering will help both of your figure this one out if you need. (See Chapter 15:
The Zen of Finger Fucking
for more ideas.)

Condoms For Your First Time

Unless you’ve really got it together and have already visited Planned Parenthood, condoms will probably be your default method of birth control.

If you are a guy, try to get a stash of condoms and water-based lube ahead of time. Condoms come in different sizes and shapes. It’s a really good idea to get a sampler pack of different condoms to find which brands fit your penis best. (For more, see Chapter 22:
Condoms—For the Ride of Your Life
.)

Try to figure out how to manipulate the condom by feel alone, as you’ll often be putting it on in the dark. One of the biggest time-killers in putting on a condom is determining which way the material rolls out. Pull the tip of the condom from the center of the ring in a way that allows the ring of material to easily roll down your penis.

After you’ve got the condom on, run warm water over your hand so your skin is warm, like your partner’s body will be. Then lube your hand up and try jerking off with the condom by thrusting your penis into your hand. This is important. See what it’s like to thrust with your hips into your lubed hand. This will give you a better sense of the condom’s road-handling abilities.

Then, after you’ve blown a wad, look at what happens to your penis. If you are like most men, it will start to shrink. This is why guys need to crimp the bottom of the condom around the base of their penis as soon as they come. Otherwise, the condom will slip off, and if you keep thrusting you will push it inside your partner’s vagina.

If you are a girl, get extra condoms and try putting one on something penis-shaped. Learn how to open the package in the dark and how to roll it on, leaving a bit at the end with no air in it if that’s what the instructions say.

Also, try to get the morning-after emergency birth control pill in advance. That way, if a condom breaks, comes off before it’s supposed to, or you forget it, you’ll have a good chance of preventing an unwanted pregnancy. If you find yourself having intercourse without birth control, make sure he pulls out before he comes. It’s way more effective than doing nothing.

16 vs 26

Plenty of people don’t lose their virginity until they are in their twenties. The nice thing about waiting is that you tend to be more sensible about it and you will often have a better experience. Many of the late-bloomers we have heard from say it’s a much better experience. The following is from a reader who didn’t lose her virginity until she was well into her twenties:

“I was surprised at how tricky losing my virginity proved to be. The first couple of times my boyfriend and I tried, my vaginal muscles were very tight and penetration was painful. So we slowed down and tried other ways of loosening the muscles (fingers, a vibrator, etc.), I visited the ob-gyn to make sure nothing was wrong (there wasn’t), and we waited for a night when I was nice and relaxed. The first couple of times we successfully had intercourse were amazing—I felt a bit of pain with initial penetration, but once my body got accustomed to him the physical sensation was wonderful, and we had a lot of fun trying different positions and experimenting with what felt good!”

A Very Special Thanks
to Angela Hoffman for advice and help; to Carrie Veronica Smith, University of Mississippi, to Chris, a contented average dude from Canada; to Figleaf; and to Dayna Henry and her students at Indiana.