The Guide to Getting It On (86 page)

On a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable are you talking about what feels good sexually and what doesn’t with a partner?
5

What are the best and worst parts of giving a male partner oral sex?
My mouth is really small and he is pretty big so it really hurts my jaw.

Can you recall when you first “discovered your clitoris” as having potential for pleasure?
Actually while reading an earlier version of this book when I was about 20. It was difficult and took a long time, but it turned out ok in the end.

When you were growing up, did you ever put your fingers inside your vagina to explore what was there?
No! My vagina hurts. It’s always hurt as long as I can remember so I never touched it until I was trying to become sexually active. I still don’t touch it much and I never stick my fingers up there if I don’t have to.

Do you ever have fantasies during sex or masturbation that are NOT overtly sexual, but are still part of feeling aroused?
Not really, I don’t really have fantasies.

If your partner(s) use condoms, do the condoms impact the sensation you receive from intercourse?
Yes! Condoms hurt!

Is there a very big gap between the content of your sexual fantasies and the sex you have in real life?
Yes. My partner has a low sex drive and I have found basically one position that isn’t painful (me on top and leaning forward). I daydream about having sex several times per week in all kinds of different positions, but it’s probably never going to happen

Considering your last couple of partners, how satisfied were you with their ability to last during intercourse?
I haven’t had an orgasm during sex ever.

About what percentage of the time do you have an orgasm during intercourse?
Never

When you are aroused or are having sex, does your vagina ever produce more fluids than you are comfortable with?
I don’t really produce a lot of fluids ever.

Have any of your male partners had a penis that curves?
Oh yes. I think it actually helps because my vulvodynia is worst at the back of my vagina (like between my vagina and my bottom). His penis is really curved and it curves up against his tummy so it doesn’t put any pressure on the back of my vagina if I’m on top. I don’t think we could have sex if it didn’t do that.

How many times a week or month do you masturbate when you are not in a relationship vs. when you are in a relationship?
I’ve been in a relationship almost as long as I’ve been masturbating so I have no idea.

If you masturbate, how often do you use your fingers vs. other things?
Fingers, most other things hurt. Sometimes a vibrator.

Approximately how many serious sexual relationships have you had in your life?
1

Approximately how many sexual partners have you had where there was not a strong emotional connection?
None.

What kind or brand of birth control do you use?
It’s a generic, but I think it’s like Seasonique where you take it for 3 months straight. I’ve been on some form of birth control since well before I started having sex so I have no idea if it impacts my sex drive or not. I have more of a sex drive than my partner so I think I’m ok.

Men’s Sex Surveys

We’ve only included one of the men’s surveys. While we’ve received some wonderful individual answers from men over the years, it’s been unusual to get men’s surveys that are as verbal from start to finish as the women’s. What’s been especially interesting is when we do receive surveys from men that are more verbal, there has been a tendency for them to be from men who describe their sexual orientation as “mostly straight” as opposed to “totally straight.” This stands out because the vast majority of men describe themselves as “totally straight.”

MALE 29

Sexual orientation:
Mostly straight.
Relationship status:
??

Are you circumcised (cut) or uncircumcised (uncut)?
Circumcised.

Tell a few things about yourself.
Fit, attractive educated professional.

If you are not in a long-term relationship, do you have any interest in being in one?
I like the idea of a long term relationship...but maybe not as much as I like having multiple, less serious relationships.

Are there things you and a partner enjoy doing naked besides having sex?
What, besides cooking bacon?? Maybe just lounging around.

How many times do you need to sleep with someone before you feel like the two of you have reached your stride sexually?
I feel it’s not so much about how many times you sleep with them but how you’re communicating before/after/during. So... anywhere from twice to infinity.

If you were able to change the size, shape or appearance of your penis and/or balls, is there anything you’d change?
Nope... I kind like what I’m working with.

Considering the last ten times you’ve had intercourse, do you tend to last about the same amount of time, or does it vary?
It varies. And it depends on the girl and the situation. If I’m really tired or sexed-out, or drunk, I typically don’t last as long.

What’s better: a good blow job or intercourse?
Intercourse. No question.

If you’ve had different partners, have you tended to last longer or shorter during intercourse with some?
Yes definitely. I feel like if it’s somebody I’m really comfortable with, I’ll last longer. It’s weird, it’s like, if I’m not supposed to be having sex with this person (bad decision on whom I took home from the bar, dead-end relationship, or whatever else), my body will tell me by not lasting long at all. Otherwise, I can last a long time and the sex is great.

Based on your experience, are hand jobs better when you do them yourself or when a partner gives them?
DIY for this. Chicks are typically clueless.

How gentle or rough have your partners wanted you to be when kissing or caressing their breasts and nipples?
Certainly a range, but I’ve never been with somebody who wanted it too rough.

When giving oral sex, do you usually have an erection part of the time, the entire time, or not much at all because you are concentrating on the job at hand?
Part of the time.

Is there a position you prefer being in when giving oral sex?
Usually default to her on her back and me in between her legs.

How old do you think you were when you first started masturbating?
Late bloomer... 14 or so.

Can you offer some thoughts or observations about sex you might have had when drunk, stoned, or in an otherwise mindless or drug-inspired state?
Whiskey dick! But I have to be pretty slammed for that to happen. Otherwise, I don’t have much experience with drugs.

How much porn do you watch in any given week?
Less than I used to. I’ll often go pornless for a long time

What are your stroking habits when watching porn?
Pretty much the entire time.

Is it easier for you to get an erection when watching porn or when being with a real-life partner?
I guess with porn or by myself, though it’s usually not a problem with a partner.

Have you ever experienced pain in your penis or testicles after sex?
Yeah, sometimes my testicles get sore after ejaculating. Usually after I’ve jerked off one too many times.

Please list some of your biggest turnoffs when having sex.
Not being in the moment, ‘fake’ noises, girls trying to pretend they’re porn stars.

To date, approximately how many partners have you had?
umm... 40ish.

Of the sexual partners you’ve had, how many were casual or one-night stand?
Not many one night stands, but probably most of my relationships fit into the casual box.

Have you been in a sexual relationship that was more than a one-night stand, but not a traditional relationship?
Kind of the story of my life lately. Usually it’s hot for a bit then fizzles out when there’s nothing more substantial there. Which is fine - it’s not like it was ever intended to be an especially fulfilling relationship.

Do you wish your erections were more reliable, or are you okay with them?
I guess it’s fizzled out on my a few times...but all in all I’m ok with it.

About how long do you last during intercourse?
I don’t know. Typically, it’s just right.

What’s been your experience with anal play or anal sex?
I haven’t had anal sex since I lacerated the anus of the last girl I dated. I Kind of felt bad about that one...

Have you ever had a partner who liked to straddle your thigh and push her crotch into it or rub her clitoris against other parts of your body besides your penis?
Uh, yeah! It’s called dry humping. What, you never went to high school??

Is it challenging for you to disconnect your phone, Internet, XBox or other devices when you are with a lover?
No. If Facebook takes priority over sex it’s time to kick my own ass.

Are there types of non-vanilla sex that you enjoy having?
I like non-vanilla sex, but I haven’t done it a lot since I’m a little shy/self-conscious about bringing it up. A little rough sex is hot. Peeing/getting peed on I’ve played around with and I think is super hot. Having my ass played with is a huge turn on but doesn’t happen very often. That was pretty damn sexy

Have you ever had sex with another guy?
No, but I want to. I got a massage from a guy where he ended up giving me a blowjob. Pretty hot, but I felt a little weird about it after. Still, in the moment, I was definitely into it. I don’t know if I would have gone through with it, but part of me wanted to suck him and get fucked.

CHAPTER

41

Bye-Bye V-Card—Losing Your Virginity

T
here is more information in this chapter than you probably need if it’s your first time. The trouble in leaving out parts is while they may not apply to you, they might be important for someone else.

Also keep in mind that couples can become VERY pregnant from their first time, even if they are doing it when a woman is having her period. And for a brief legal reminder:
If you are under 18, you may be breaking some of your state’s laws if you have sex.

Now, for the fun part.

The Importance of Having a Good First Time

A recent study found that when couples had a lousy first time, it tended to negatively color the sex they would be having for the next few years. It’s as if the bar was set so low their first time that they never expected sex to be any better. Of course, none of them had a book like this to help them get over a bad first time and to start negotiating really good sex for themselves. But still, taking charge of your first time and trying to make it a really good experience is in your best interest for now and the years to come.