The Guide to Getting It On (176 page)

How People Act after Being Raped

There is no manual for how to act after a sexual assault. Some people will be hysterical while others will be unusually calm. Some will be agitated, others will be numb. It is unwise to judge a person’s emotional experience of a sexual assault based on their behavior following it.

Rape in Marriage

People have the idea that rape in a marriage isn’t really rape, and it’s less serious than if the sexual assault is caused by a stranger. But given all the baggage and history of a married couple, it makes sense that spousal rape might be even more devastating than stranger rape. The stranger never said, “To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

Women who are raped by their husbands are likely to be raped a number of times before finally leaving. The rape can be oral, anal and vaginal. Dealing with it can be a particular challenge when the wife lives with the rapist.

Further Humiliation

Some rapists will force their victims to pretend they are enjoying the rape. Rape experts indicate that it’s is a good idea to go along with the rapist on this one if he is so inclined. It seems that if the rapist is unable to complete the act, he is more apt to seriously injure his victim. Think of how seriously imbalanced he is mentally if he wants you to pretend you are enjoying the experience.

Whether to Report—If It’s Child Abuse

While it is important if a child who is being abused can find a trusting teacher, counselor, minister or parent to tell, it’s an unfortunate comment on our society to say that reporting doesn’t always improve the situation. For some girls, it makes it worse, as dysfunctional families will often try to make her the problem. There is also the reality that while some state protective services agencies are top-notch, others are as dysfunctional as the families they are supposed to be protecting children from. Between failures of the criminal-justice system and an overwhelmed social-services system, good outcomes are sometimes the exception rather than the rule.

If you are an adult who suspects a child is being abused, you are often legally required to report to your nearest child-protective-services agency. Unfortunately, you wouldn’t believe the number of grandparents and relatives who suspect abuse is occurring, but don’t report it, and not because they are concerned about how well the system will or won’t work. They will be the first to tell you what a shame it is the child is being abused, but in these cases,blood is thicker than semen. They wouldn’t want to upset the family.

Equally disturbing are the number of divorces where one angry parent accuses the other parent of abuse out of revenge. If they are so sure the other parent was abusing the child, why didn’t they say something about it before the divorce? This shouldn’t be confused with situations where the divorce came as a result of learning that a child was being abused.

Whether to Report—If You Are an Adult and It’s Rape

It’s no secret that few rapes are actually reported, and that the percentage of reports is even lower in rapes where the victim knew the offender prior to the sexual assault.

There are reasons why women don’t report. A common one is if the rapist is an important member of your social circle or your mother’s favorite cousin. Or if he’s your sister’s husband or a popular guy at work or school.

Aside from social realities, it’s hard to talk about a sexual assault. Other reasons for not reporting include fears that you won’t be believed, fears that you will be blamed, and fears that the accused will somehow retaliate. Some women believe that if they didn’t put up a fight, the state won’t consider it rape. This is not true. Not fighting may have been the best way to prevent further injury or death. The fact that you are still alive indicates that you did the smartest thing that you could have. While fighting may have stopped the rape, it could have just as easily ended up in your being killed or seriously injured beyond any sexual trauma.

So why should you report? There are three very good reasons:

1. Rapists tend to be bullies who may see your failure to report as an indication that you liked what they did, or that you are an easy mark for a repeat offense. Reporting a rapist tends to protect you from re-assault rather than putting you in harm’s way.

2. One of the greatest regrets among women who don’t report is knowing that their lack of action may have made it possible for the rapist to sexually assault other women. This fact, even more than the rape itself, is what haunts some women the most.

3. Even if the man is not convicted, your report puts him in law-enforcement radar. It makes it much less likely that he will get away with it the next time. Even if he is not convicted, your reporting is what might save his potential victims.

Reporting—If He’s In Your Social Circle

Reporting is socially easier if the rapist isn’t part of your social circle. If he is, be prepared for people taking sides, and not necessarily yours. On the other hand, if you don’t report, he will know you are an easy target, and you will have to live with letting him get away with it and with victimizing others. Don’t waste time trying to warn him or threaten him. Your actions in not reporting him are all he will hear.

If you have reported someone from your social circle, it’s probably best not to discuss it. Don’t try to defend yourself or to say anything negative about him. The only people you should be speaking to about it are the police, the DA and your healthcare provider or counselor if you have one. Keeping these boundaries will probably make it easier for you in the long run.

Reporting—If You Are in a Sorority

Hopefully things in the Greek system have evolved and justice is more important than keeping quiet to maintain the social order. But understand that if you were raped and report a fraternity member to the police, his house brothers will likely feel that you have reported them—all of them. And the sorority sister of yours who had a secret crush on the guy? Get ready to meet your new worst enemy.

You won’t read this advice in the “Welcome To Our Wonderful College!” booklets, but if you’ve been raped by a fraternity bro and decide to report him, get thee to the psych library and read about what happens in dysfunctional families when a child reports that she’s been abused. Knowing how strange it can get will help you maintain a sense of irony and perspective that could be necessary if a psychodrama were to unfold around you. People join fraternal organizations with the hope of being a part of something that’s bigger and better than they are. In accusing a fraternity man of rape, you are not only threatening the relationship between your sorority and his fraternity, you are taking to task the very system that has been the spawning ground of presidents, senators and supreme-court justices.

Does this mean you shouldn’t report? Heck no. But it does mean that you will be standing out as an individual in an organization that is not exactly the Walden Pond of free thinking. The priority of some sorority sisters is to party with boys with pedigrees. They are as likely to see you, rather than a fraternity man who takes uninvited liberties with his penis, as the problem.

If you are in a sorority and you report a fraternity man for rape, or if you are in any tightly-knit organization and report a fellow member, be prepared to move out and move on. But think about it—in a world where people are tortured and killed for speaking the truth, is having to find new friends such a huge price to pay for doing the right thing? Is it such a huge price to pay for helping to protect other women this person might victimize throughout his life, because that’s who will suffer if there is no price to pay for sex that is forced. In the long run, wouldn’t you rather be known as a woman not to mess with, rather than as an easy target for forced sex?

If you are raped by a fraternity member and your sorority sisters stand by you, understand that you have found something that is truly precious.

When Straight Men are Raped by other Men

Most of us believe that rape happens to only women and gay or imprisoned men. We assume that any man who doesn’t want to be sexually assaulted is able to defend himself and fend off the attacker. But just because you are a guy, it doesn’t mean you should be able to win a barroom fight, thrash a mugger or fend off a rapist.

Rape is first and foremost about violence, power, sadism and hatred. The rapist didn’t choose you because he thought you had a cute butt. He chose you because he thought he could.

When you’ve got a gun to your head or a knife to your throat, you suddenly have other priorities than saying, “Excuse me, Mr. Rapist, you’ve got it all wrong. I like girls!” Your job is to survive, and even if that means having to go down on the guy, you should do it and not think twice. Think of how many girls given you oral sex—and hopefully lived.

In addition to being blind-sided with a lethal weapon, a man can be sexually assaulted by a group of men he doesn’t stand a chance against. Sometimes the rape can be the result of blackmail or of being drunk or stoned. The last thing a guy who is drunk is going to be able to protect is his rear end.

Male rape can happen in other ways, as well. Not too long ago, a former National Hockey League Player revealed that he was sexually assaulted by one of his coaches when he was a teen.

Unfortunately, a man who has been raped has fewer options than even a woman who has been raped. Think about it: how many guys are going to find it cathartic to tell their friends they were raped? Sad but true, the chances are good his drinking buds will be doing all they can to keep from giggling.

If you are a guy who has been raped, call a rape-crisis center or, even if you are the epitome of straightness, consider calling a gay-men’s health center. They tend to be understanding and helpful about sexual violence against men. The advice they give you will most likely be the best to follow.

One thing that can be really confusing is if you became hard or came when you were raped. The truth is, it is not unusual to have an erection and orgasm when the body is under extreme stress or panic. As mentioned earlier in this chapter, plenty of guys who go to the gallows meet their maker with an erection and ejaculate in their pants, and not because they thought it was sexy to have a noose around their neck.

Some rapists are aware that you might get an erection. They will intentionally stroke you to orgasm just to mess with your mind even more. So what’s the big deal if you did get hard and came? The important thing is in understanding that you were violently assaulted. We should all have erections and orgasms in such situations. At least you lived to think about it, which is a very good thing.

Men who are bisexual or gay sometimes worry that being raped or abused is what gave them their same-sex orientation. Or if you are a straight guy who was sexually assaulted by another male, you might wonder if this will impact your sexual orientation. Studies have never shown that sexual abuse or rape influences a person’s sexual orientation, yet this is a myth that persists.

While you might want to keep it all inside, it could be that the rape has been causing you to deal with others–especially intimate others–in strange ways. What do you have to lose by speaking to a counselor about it for a session or two? As for reporting, the big issue is how strongly you feel about the guy being able to do this to other men, because it is likely that he will if he can.

Stephen Braveman specializes in the sex abuse of men. You might spend some time reading the articles on his site:
www.bravemantherapy.com

Resources:

National Center for Victims of Crime (800) 394-2255

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (800) 656-4673 (800) 656-HOPE

National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-SAFE

Your state or county may have excellent resources as well.

Recommended Reading:

Evicting the Perpetrator
by Ken Singer.

Principles of Trauma Therapy: A Guide to Symptoms, Evaluation, and Treatment
by John Briere and Catherine Scott.

Child Trauma Handbook: A Guide For Helping Trauma-exposed Children And Adolescents
by Ricky Greenwald.

Treating Nonoffending Parents in Child Sexual Abuse Cases: Connections for Family Safety
by Jill Levenson and John Morin.

Just Before Dawn: Trauma Assessment and Treatment of Sexual Victimization
by Jan Hindman.

Readers Speak

“I was seriously dating one guy for four years (I was 16 when it started). Over time he became more and more thoughtless during sex until the point where it had crossed the line into violence. If sex was painful he would not stop, and there was emotional violence. We started out using porn to enhance our sex lives, but after a while he would position us so he could ignore me during sex and just watch the screen. I did two years of being single without sex after that to pull myself together. When I began having sex again I had flashbacks and would panic. I used to be so sexually outgoing and playful. I would enjoy oral sex. Now I don’t do any of that anymore. For a long time I could not joyfully give my partners oral sex because of the negative associations with it, and sometimes I still have trouble not choking, even when it is barely in my mouth. Things are slowly improving, but I am worried it will never have that carefree way about it. It is hard to relax and not over protect myself. I’ve been married for a year now to a wonderful and gentle man that I’ve been intimate with for five years.... That’s how long it’s taken.”
female age 27