The Guide to Getting It On (186 page)

LESBIAN—woman who prefers sex with women.

LESBIAN BED DEATH—the lesbian equivalent of when straight couples are married, have kids and are both working full time.

LIBIDO—what Freud said is the fuel for our desire to make an emotional connection with others; he did not limit the term to erotic or horny feelings as is often done in the present day and age.

LICHEN SCLEROSUS—a chronic inflammatory disorder of the skin that affects women far more often than men, usually impacting the vulva and greater crotch area but also the breasts and upper arms. The exact cause is unknown.

LIFESTYLES ORGANIZATION—a large organization for couples who like to have sex with other couples (thousands of couples belong), located near Anaheim, California—home of God, Country and the Housewives of Orange County. If you went to one of the dinners or dances sponsored by this organization, you might be surprised at how many police, military and teachers belong.

LINGAM—Sanskrit term for penis.

LIPSTICK LESBIAN—feminine-appearing woman (in a traditional or stereo-typical sense) whose choice in sexual partners is other women.

LONG FLANNEL NIGHTGOWN—very effective birth-control device.

LOSING YOUR V-CARD—losing your virginity. There’s an entire chapter on this subject called “Bye Bye V-Card.”

LOVE—a very special way that we have of relating to one another.

LUCKY PIERRE—a gay or bisexual term, referring to three-way sex; lucky Pierre is the person in the middle.

LUG—means “Lesbian Until Graduation.”

M2M—means man-to-man, and is used to signify same-sex attraction or sex between men. Replace the humans with computers, and M2M stands for “machine-to-machine,” which in telemetry systems means data-sharing or sex between two machines.

MAGIC WAND—Hitachi’s contribution to women’s sexual pleasure; has two speeds, a big round head and vibrates like a Federation freighter at warp 9.

MAINTAIN—product you slap on your penis to numb it out and supposedly help it last longer during intercourse. Also what you try to do when parents or authority figures are around.

MAKE A MILK RUN—gay term for cruising.

MAN’S SHIRT—object of male clothing which girlfriends often lay claim to and love wearing, especially to bed. The feel and smell of it gives the girl comfort. Any man who had a similar attachment to a piece of woman’s clothing would be called weird, kinky or a paraphiliac, but who’s complaining?

MAP OF TASMANIA (TAZZY)—dated slang in Australia for “vulva.”

MASOCHIST—a person who invites pain and passively controls others in the process; “bottom” or “submissive.” The term “masochism” was coined by Havelock Ellis and named after Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch, a nineteenth-century author who begged his wives to whip and humiliate him. An ideal day for Leopold began with a good whipping; otherwise, he struggled to get into a productive groove.

MASTURBATION—a date with your own genitals; for males, see “jacking off.”

MATANUSKA THUNDERFUCK—an herbal with a distinctive, burning-rope smell that is sometimes used to enhance the enjoyment of sexual relations. Grown in Alaska’s Matanuska Valley, an area known world wide for its legendary herb production as well as being home to the town of Wasilla.

MDMA—ecstasy.

MEAN QUEEN—a drag queen who is into BDSM.

MEATOTOMY—a form of body modification where the penis is sliced in half.

MEATSEX—real-live sex as oppposed to cybersex.

MENAGE A TROIS—(sounds like “may-naj-ah-twa”) when three people are sharing sexual intimacy. Includes either two men and a lucky woman or two women and a lucky man; “threesome.” See the chapter “
Threesomes
.”

MENSTRUAL CUP—a soft, flexible container made of soft silicone rubber or latex that is inserted into the vagina to collect menstrual fluids. It looks a bit like a small, upside down funnel, although the stem is not hollow and the body of the cup is more rounded than a funnel. There are from six to eight different kinds of menstrual cups, such as the Lunette, Diva, Moon Cup, Lady Cup, Femmecup, Miacup Keeper and Pink Cup. Most are made of medical grade silicone, with each having a slightly different length, softness, rim, stem and color. Once it’s in place, a menstrual cup forms a seal against the wall of your vagina which allows it to collect the flow. Unlike a tampon which also absorbs your vagina’s natural secretions, a menstrual cup holds only your period flow until you remove it and wash it out. As a result, it won’t dry out your vagina.

MERCY FUCK—intercourse done from a sense of duty or pity rather than burning desire.

MERKIN—wig for the pubic area; supposedly originated in past centuries to hide syphilis lesions. Was held in place by toupee glue or a small G-string.

METEROSEXUAL—men who live at the intersection of heterosexuality and narcissism; straight guys who shop, wax, accessorize, and use enough body products to fill a landfill. Expect males and females to stare at them with sexual longing. After all, how can others help themselves? aka “mirror men”

MILE-HIGH CLUB—to have had sex in a plane while it is airborne.

MILF—acronym for a “Mother I’d Like to Fuck,” which is when you have lust in your heart for a PTA mom, a soccer mom, or any mom; “yummy mummy.” Used in the movie American Pie where the term refers to having a hard-on for a friend’s mom, but its origin may have been the movie Milk Money.”

MISSIONARY POSITION—an intercourse position where the man and woman are horizontal and face to face, usually with the man on top. The term was possibly coined by savages who were “saved” by missionaries.

MISTRESS—the other woman. Also, BDSM-speak for “dominatrix.”

MONEY SHOT—the heart of traditional porn movies, where the male unloads a wad of white splooge somewhere on his partner’s body; “cum shot.”

MONILIA—type of vaginal yeast infection that can cause a woman to have thicker discharge than is normal, extreme itching, and painful intercourse.

MONS PUBIS—fleshy mound at the top of the vulva where pubic hair grows.

MONTGOMERY NODES—little bumps that often form on the nipples after puberty, especially prominent when you feel a chill or are sexually aroused.

MORNING-AFTER PILL (Plan B)(ELLA)—see “emergency contraception.”

MOTHER FIST AND HER FIVE DAUGHTERS—British masturbation term; the equivalent American term is Rosie Palm and her five sisters. In Australia, one would say, “Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters.”

MOUSE POTATO—person whose whole social life occurs online.

MTF—transgendered term, means “male to female,” or changing your physical appearance from male to female. The order designates which way the sex is changing, as FTM is a bio-girl changing sex to become a male.

MUFF DIVING— going down on a woman; lip service. See “cunnilingus.”

MUMMIFICATION—a BDSM practice where the individual is wrapped tightly like a mummy with plastic wrap or other materials for the purpose of immobilization.

MUNCH—purely social events in the swinging and kink communities which are held in neutral locations where no sex occurs. These meetings allow people who are interested but not active to meet with experienced members of their respective lifestyles. They also allow regular members to meet in an environment that does not include overt sexual play.

MYSPACE WHORE—myspace? Who dat? A historical term demonstrating the fickle nature of social media. The current term is “facebook whore”; will that soon be relegated to dinosaur status as well?

NAPPY DUGOUT—slang for “female genitals.” “Nappy” refers to the pubic hair, and the “dugout” is the recessed part of a baseball stadium where the players sit. In rap, this term refers to what a woman will do sexually, e.g. “Those hos give up the nappy dugout.”

NASCA—the North American Swing Club Association. One “r” short of going to the races. See also “lifestyles organization.”

NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING (NFP)—has taken the place of the old rhythm method for birth control. Uses various means including examining the cervical mucus to determine when it is safe to have intercourse without the risk of pregnancy. NFP is a fertility-awareness method that is used by people who abstain from intercourse during a woman’s fertile period. This differs from other forms of fertility awareness where couples use barrier methods of birth control during their fertile period. When used correctly, can be fairly effective.

NATURIST VS. NUDIST— in the US, a naturist would be the average birdwatcher. But in the UK, “naturist” means nudist, and it would be an entirely different type of pecker that’s being looked at.

NELLY—an effeminate male.

NIPPLE CLIPS—variation of a roach clip that is placed on each nipple as part of sex play aka, “nipple clamps.” Used by people who like to have their titties tweaked. Can apply varying degrees of pressure, depending on the type of clip used. There are many styles, including vibrating and electrified nipple clips. Some people like them on their labia or scrotum.

NOCTURNAL EMISSION—sexual dream of the male that includes ejaculation; aka “wet dream.” A lot of guys don’t have wet dreams, and they can be scarce for those who do. Most will occur in the mid- or late teens. There is also no reason why a sex dream has to include an ejaculation, as plenty are dry.

NONOXYNOL-9—active ingredient in most contraceptive foams and jellies that renders the male ejaculate infertile by changing its pH (acid-base balance). Should only be used by monogamous couples who are not worried about the spread of STIs, as it has been known to irritate tender tissues, making them more vulnerable to STIs. Not recommended for tooth brushing, but if you happen to swallow some during oral sex you’re not going to die.

NPVA—acronym for “No Practical Vertical Application,” which refers to a person who is good for sex but not much else.

NSU (NONSPECIFIC URETHRITIS)—common infection of the urinary tube.

OFF PREMISE—in the swinging lifestyle, a place where swingers meet socially but don’t have sex, “a social.”

ONANISM—means “masturbation,” named after the Bible’s Onan who spilled his seed (pulled out and came on the side). However, Onan was doing coitus interruptus rather than jerking off.

ONE-EYED—slang terms for the penis in the UK and Australia often begin with “one-eyed,” such as “one-eyed wonder worm,” “one-eyed trouser snake,” “one-eyed pant python,” “one-eyed willie,” etc.

on the other bus—UK slang term for “gay.”

ON THE RAG—to be having your period. Before tampons and sanitary napkins were invented, rags were used to catch menstrual flow.

OPEN MARRIAGE—when people who are legally married agree to have sex with others outside of the marriage. A consensually nonexclusive relationship.

OPEN SWINGING—having sex with others in the same room as opposed to “closed door,” which is one couple per room.

ORIENTATION PLAY—a BDSM term for when individuals are made to perform sexual acts not customary for their sexual orientation, eg. two straight women or two straight men being ordered to have sex with each other.

OTPHJ—stands for “Over-The-Pants-Handjob.” Done when it’s private enough to fool around but public enough that pulling it out would be unwise, or just because it’s what she wants to do. Talk about a gross feeling afterward, unless you manage to pop a napkin over the head in time.

OUTING—a vicious process where gays publicly expose gays who aren’t out of the closet, supposedly to show the straight world that some of its biggest heroes and stars are really gay, as well as to slap down a gay person who remains in the closet. Used more benignly when referring to yourself, as in “I outed myself to my family and friends, and couldn’t believe they weren’t more surprised.”

PACKING—when a woman who is cross-dressing wears a penis-shaped object in her pants to make it look like she is well hung. More realistic when made of a soft material rather than silicone (a good packing device does not make a good dildo). Done by some male rock’n’roll singers to help maintain a certain image.

PANDERING—pimping.

PAPERVINE— drug injected into the penis that causes it to get hard; for ED.

PARAPHILIA—kinky stuff. See “fetish.”

PASS—if you are transgendered, means being able to walk through the market or go to work without being clocked, which means people don’t recognize that you are a TS. You’ll know you pass if they hold the rest-room door open for you without giving it a second thought.

PDE5 inhibitor—short for phosphodiesterase type 5 inhibitor, aka Viagra, Cialis, Levitra or Stendra. Works by inhibiting cGMP specific phosphodiesterase type 5, which is an enzyme that regulates blood flow in the penis. Was originally to be a drug for hypertension. It’s most interesting use to date, other than the obvious and by porn stars, is among track and field athletes, and not just the pole vaulters. Athletes are using it to increase blood flow to the lungs and muscles. They call it Vitamin V, and the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) was thinking about adding PDE5 inhibitors to its list of illegal substances.

PEARL NECKLACE—coming on a woman’s chest.

PECKER CHECKER—prison slang for a guy who looks at others guys’ genitals in the shower; “shower shark” or “peter gazer.”

PEDERAST—man who has sex with boys or young men; “chicken fox.” See “hebephilia.”