The Guide to Getting It On (171 page)

The interview was with a clean-cut salesman masquerading in a physician’s coat, perhaps so he wouldn’t be confused with the salesmen who populate used-car lots. None of the three offices offered any studies on the long-term safety of the procedure, they didn’t agree on where the fat actually went, and none was willing to say exactly how a penis feels that is encased in a layer of fat.

The best anyone could conclude about this procedure is that a man paid $5,000 to give his penis cellulite. The biggest benefactors of the procedure have been the attorneys who specialized in lawsuits from men who had their penises surgically enhanced. Since that time, there have been ads stating that there is a “new procedure” that is vastly improved over the one used in the past. If you are considering such a surgery, remember that only a few years ago the ads for the “old” procedure used to boast about how safe and successful it was.

If you are considering such a surgery, spend some time at the library and do a search in the
Journal of Sexual Medicine
and various urology journals on penis-enlarging penis enhancement surgeries. Forewarned is forearmed.

The Vacuum Pump

There is an X-rated video called
How to Enlarge Your Penis
in which porn star Scott Taylor pumps himself up with a vacuum device that is supposed to make a guy bigger. Taylor uses the pump to plump his penis up fatter than a grain silo, which he then maneuvers into the apparently spacious vagina of porn starlet Erica Boyer. At no point does Scott’s big salami actually get hard; he has to hold his fingers around the base to keep the pressure in. In spite of this “self-help” video, the vacuum pump is one of the options that urologists offer male patients who are having trouble getting hard. Also, inside-industry sources have informed Goofy Foot Press that the
How to Enlarge
infomercial took several hours to shoot. Even Scott Taylor couldn’t stay hard that long.

The penis pump was first patented in 1917. About sixty years later it became popular in the gay community, both for sex play and for organ enhancement. Some pumpers started clubs, along the lines of Kiwanis or Rotary, where guys get together to pump. Straight men started using the pump in the mid to late 1980s.

Pumping provides a sensation that some men find enjoyable. It also causes the penis to plump up bigger than usual. Most urologists think that there is no way a guy can make himself permanently bigger with a vacuum pump and that short-term gains occur because the penis is swollen. However, the people who manufacture the pumps claim that long-term gains are possible. They say that the vacuum pump expands the width of the penis by stretching the walls of the chambers that fill with blood during normal erection. The increase in penis length apparently comes from stretching the ligament that holds a third of the penis inside the body.

To achieve a “permanent” increase in size, pumpers say that a man has to pump at least a half-hour a day for almost a year. As for the safety of the vacuum pump, it has been approved by the FDA for use with erection problems, but not for use as a weenie-enhancement device, not that anyone has applied. Can you imagine the lab studies that the FDA might require, with hundreds of white rats having their penises pumped for hours on end to see if they got bigger?

For safety’s sake, check with a physician before pumping for long periods of time. That’s because there might be a difference between pumping for a few minutes to get hard and pumping for an hour to get bigger. You would think that the majority of men who pump for size would be those with smaller penises. Not so. A lot of pumpers are well-endowed to begin with.

The Bottom Line...

“I once had a lover with an enormous penis. It was a turn-on to look at it, and an ego trip that a man that huge was my partner. But the actual feeling of it inside me didn’t give me one one-hundredth of the pleasure that my more modestly-sized present partner’s does. While the size of a man’s penis does create different sensations, it is the relationship I have with the man who is attached to the penis that determines what those sensations mean to me.”
female age 47

Before rushing out to get either a pump or surgery, consider the following: If your penis is average-sized or more, why do you need to be bigger? What’s your problem anyway? And if your penis is closer to a finger than a phone pole, keep in mind that couples frequently have intercourse before the vagina is fully engorged with blood. When that is the case, the penis with the bigger girth will probably fill the space better. However, when a woman’s vagina is fully-engorged, this helps even the playing field. So make sure you take the time to fully prime the pussy’s pumps.

Learn to give great back and foot rubs and become sublime at the art of loving a woman with your lips and tongue. Do this and it is likely that you will be admired by many women, assuming you are a decent human being to begin with. Also try using intercourse positions that cause the penis to be hugged more snugly, and those that might focus more stimulation on the parts of your lover’s vagina that give her the most pleasure. A bantam-weight penis might feel longer if the female bends her knees during intercourse. This results in deeper penetration if that is what she wants. Keeping her legs together will help it feel more snug. A couple of positions that accommodate this are rear-entry intercourse with both of you on your sides (aka spoons) and where the woman is on her back and her ankles are resting on the man’s shoulders instead of around his waist. If it helps, the most sensitive areas of a vagina are often located in the first inch or two beyond the vaginal opening.

And finally, try to avoid women who are confirmed size-queens. There’s no sense in humiliating yourself needlessly.

As for being embarrassed in front of your locker-room buds, it’s not fair to compare nonerect penises. Penises that are smaller when they are soft tend to grow more when they are getting hard. So it isn’t a fair comparison, unless all of you have hard-ons, and what kind of gym would that be? But reality checks are of little solace to a guy who is feeling insecure in the showers after football practice. Hopefully he will learn that there are other ways of earning respect besides having a big penis, assuming that big penises earn respect rather than envy.

Perhaps it might be good to remember that many things in life have a purpose. In case you are here on earth to learn something, your less-than-memorable member might be one of the keys that helps you find it, especially if it’s a bit of humility.

For the Extra-Well-Endowed

Some men feel angst because they were especially blessed between the legs. Others just smile. For those guys whose girlfriends scream in horror the first time they see the penis erect, relax. Talk about it before you get undressed or hand her a copy of
The Guide
and point to this chapter. Flatly rule out the possibility of intercourse for the first couple of times. This will allow time for your lover to become comfortable touching and playing with your trunk—uh—penis. Ray Stubbs’s
Erotic Interludes Part 2
is a tastefully done videotape which shows a woman massaging the penis of a man who doesn’t give much ground to a race horse. And no matter what its diameter might be, a partner can get you off quite nicely with the oral-sex technique that doesn’t require her to take your whole penis into her mouth. It is shown in Chapter 20:
Oral Sex, Penises and Popsicles.
There’s also a question at the end of this chapter about sex with a well-endowed lover. It is crammed full of information on the ways of the big weenie.

The Sound of Leaking Breasts

“I tried out for the cheerleading squad when I was a sophomore in high school. ‘This isn’t a beauty contest,’ the advisor had told us, but we all knew better than that.... But you weren’t beautiful, Julie Brown, and you knew it. Face facts. You even made a list one time, outlining your numerous faults: breasts too small, buttocks too big, teeth crooked, hair too thin, arms and legs too skinny, feet too long, four inches too tall, nose too bumpy. If you were wealthy, you could make the necessary corrections. If you had enough money, you could have the breast implants you needed, the braces, the nose job, the hairweaving, and with enough money the right cosmetics could be purchased, the ones you saw in the magazines, the ones that would render you flawless...” [By Julie Brown, published in“Beauty” pages 68–70,
Michigan Quarterly Review,
edited by Laurence Goldstein, Vol. XXX, No. 1:91.]

Men aren’t the only ones who worry that body parts are too small. Women often believe that the world would be a nicer place if only they had bigger breasts. Some women with petite breasts even feel they would get a better job or promotion if their A-cups swelled into majestic Es. Hopes like these have inspired thousands of women to have their chests packed with funky substances.

Questions have been raised about the safety of breast implants. Silicone molecules seem to leach through the plastic implant pouches. However, it is possible that this isn’t any more dangerous to your health than, say, living in Detroit or Los Angeles. Saline implants appear to be safer than the silicone, but less so than the original equipment that nature saw fit to provide.

Breast Implants Are Not Permanent

Twenty to twenty-five percent of women who have breast implants will need additional surgery within only five years. Within thirteen to fifteen years, eighty-five percent of breast implants will fail.

Even the saltwater implants make it difficult to screen for cancer. On the other hand, implants are truly a godsend if you have had cancer and are getting them following a mastectomy.

Silicone Sisters and the Men Who Love Them

Here in America, women with plastic chests attract men with plastic brains. What a perfect combination. What a sad perception of womanhood.

Young women in America are raised on fashion magazines that highlight gorgeous female models, whatever gorgeous might mean. Having grown up under the shadow of surgically enhanced breasts, American girls often confuse a combination of anorexia and a fake profile with what femininity is all about. As a result, breast implants and bizarre diets have become a way of achieving the fantasy of perfect womanhood.

Perfect womanhood is a costly and precarious myth to pursue. Even if you are able to achieve the right look, it tends to be short-lived and often comes crashing down by the time you reach age thirty-five and can no longer suppress that which in other cultures is considered to be a sign of wisdom. It’s too bad America’s teenage girls don’t get to spend time with America’s supermodels. They might get over the supermodel fantasy rather quickly.

Silicone Sister’s Note:
With apologies to Bruce Springsteen.

The Placebo Effect of Store-Bought Boobs

Until recently, some of the biggest proponents of breast implants were the women who got them.

One reason women with plastic chests were so excited about their implants was because life did get better for many of them. But the real reason why life improved was that the women’s attitudes got better. It’s how they saw themselves that made the difference, not whether their breasts were As or DDs. Otherwise, women with naturally large boobs would seldom feel depressed or have a rotten day, and women with As would all be suicidal.

Feeling more attractive is what made these women be more attractive, but an increase in confidence without the implants would have brought similar results. Granted, there are plenty of men who like the way that big boobs look, and many TV producers won’t hire actresses unless they have bizarre- looking breast implants. But is that the kind of person you want to attract?

Microchip Melons — A New Generation of Breast Implant?

Unless there is a major shift in the consciousness of American men and women, it is likely that the medical world will find new ways to surgically enhance women’s breasts. As long as that is the case, this Guide suggests that the next generation of breast implants contain slots for video games and a couple of HDMI ports. Perhaps breast-implanted gaming displays might help the female chest become a full-fledged entertainment center, which is what some men and women expect it to be.

Labiaplasty

Labiaplasty is the new cosmetic surgery to help a girl’s inner lips look like those of a porn star. Think of it as a nose job for your puss.

WARNING:
If your healthcare provider suggests you have labiaplasty, it might be more to improve his cash flow than to improve your crotch. There are now seminars for gynecologists on how much extra money they can make each year by trimming their patients’ labia. So if your healthcare provider suggests you have labiaplasty, please get a second opinion.

A lot of people are critical of labiaplasty, but themselves buy teeth-whitening products, get their hair colored, have moles removed that they consider to be unsightly, and have their sons circumcised. And given how this book has wailed and ranted against breast implants with absolutely no impact, we figured we’d simply give you the info you need, and leave the rest up to you.

Women who want to have labiaplasty should be shown by their gynecologist pictures of different labia and how normal it is for labia to come in many different sizes and shapes. If the woman still wants the surgery, she needs to find a surgeon who specializes in this procedure and has performed many prior labiaplasties. It is not a simple matter of snipping a bit here and there. The woman should be sure that her surgeon knows the different techniques and can describe for her the difference between oversewing the edges, wedge resection and 90-degree Z-plasty.