The Guide to Getting It On (172 page)

Women should be aware that the labia minora swell during sexual arousal and the edges of the labia minora are packed with nerve endings. Prune them at your own risk.

WARNING:
Reports are beginning to surface of women who have had labiaplasties who are experiencing pain and discomfort during intercourse as a result. Given their role in sexual arousal, it appears they might not be the best candidates for cosmetic surgery
.

Exercise-Video Alert—Truth in Advertising

Exercise videos have been very popular for the past decades. It only seems fair that any actress/model/whatever who does an exercise video ought to list how many cosmetic surgeries she’s had to look the way she does. (Breast implants? Ribs removed? Liposuction? Face lifts? Tummy tucks? Breast lifts? Supplemental hormones?) The videos might then post a warning label such as the following:

WARNING: With $25,000 worth of plastic surgery, a lucky role of the genetic dice, an eating disorder, and the exercises on this tape, you too can look more like your video host.

Alternatives for Both Men & Women

American advertisers spend millions of dollars to make us think, “If only I had this or that, I’d be sexier and happier.” It is easy to see why many of us fall for these traps. The thought of instantly having bigger, smaller, hairier or balder body parts can be terribly seductive.

If cosmetic surgery is what you need, please choose carefully. Do be aware that if you haven’t worked through feelings of inferiority, realigning body parts may not make you feel any better in the long run. You’ll simply find new things to feel insecure about.

For alternatives, think about getting your body in good physical shape or dressing better. Breasts that sit on well-developed chest muscles sometimes look bigger, if that is what you are trying to achieve. At the very least, being in good shape makes most people feel and look sexier. A smaller penis will often look bigger if it isn’t being dwarfed by a pot belly, or if the eyes are drawn to nicely developed shoulders and pecs. Also, why not find ways to expand your mind’s creativity and intelligence? These are the kinds of measures that will make you a better and sexier person.

As for sexual performance, some of the best and most eager lovers are those without ideal dimensions. Since they have less natural endowment to fall back on, they sometimes learn to be extremely attentive in bed.

Considering any kind of cosmetic surgery? You might try reading Virginia Blum’s book on the subject. This book will let you see a side of cosmetic surgery that is well-hidden from the viewers of the
Extreme Makeover\
TV shows. Blum has had plastic surgery and has interviewed surgeons and patients. What would it hurt to read some of the information that you won’t find in the glossy brochures at your plastic surgeon’s office before making such a big decision?
Flesh Wounds, The Culture of Cosmetic Surgery
by Virginia L. Blum, University of California at Berkeley Press.

Breast-Reduction Note Some women have breast-reduction surgery because it can be severely uncomfortable to lug huge breasts around all the time. If this is what you are considering, be sure to consult at least two surgeons who specialize in breast-reduction surgery. This is not a simple operation and can leave permanent scaring or disfigurement.

Dear Paul,

My boyfriend and I are both virgins and have been attempting to have intercourse, but we are having a few difficulties. First of all, I have no problem getting wet, but when it comes to penetration I am completely dry. This makes it very painful, as it aches and burns. I am also quite petite, and he, on the other hand, is quite tall and “fully equipped” (8 inches, and rather large in circumference). It seems that penetration is practically impossible as I am rather tight and do not enjoy being fingered. I was just wondering if you have any suggestions as we are getting a little antsy. —Tina from Mesa Grande

Dear Tina,

None of the women I’ve slept with have had to come up with strategies for inserting an extra-large penis—not when they were with me, anyway. Nonetheless, I’ll do what I can.

To put this size issue in its truest, ugliest light, if the Penis Fairy arrived one night and offered to give all men an extra inch of bulge in the front of their blue jeans, or an extra 10 I.Q. points, a lot of us would go for the below-the-belt enhancement without giving it much thought. In fact, until I’d written a book about sex, I never realized that toting around a huge penis can be a liability. We’re talking about guys who need to wear specially made underwear, who are forever getting stares in the locker room and at the doctor’s office, and for whom hopping into bed with a woman can be a trauma. On the other hand, I have interviewed a woman who is as petite as can be. Her husband’s penis was in the 98th percentile for size, and she never had any problem with intercourse. So you can’t predict.

Size aside, medical factors can make intercourse uncomfortable. So I am assuming you have had a recent gynecological exam and have discussed this matter with your healthcare provider. If there is a source of pain that is independent of your partner’s penis, it is essential you treat it and resolve it first.

As long as you are okay physically, I would suggest the two of you call it quits on any intercourse attempts for the next month or two. There are lots of ways you can please each other sexually besides intercourse. At the same time, you might consider working on some or all of the following:

1. Have your partner squirt a generous amount of sex lube on his fingertips. He can then gently clasp the outer lips of your vulva between his thumb and forefinger and do a small circular massage on one area at a time. Tell him exactly what feels good and what doesn’t. He should massage as deeply as feels comfortable to you, then move to an adjoining spot. His goal is not to stretch the skin, but to get the blood circulating deep inside of the folds. He should do your entire vulva, including the outer lips, inner lips and the clitoral hood. Then, if it’s comfortable, he can gently insert a well-lubricated thumb into the opening of your vagina and rest it there. His forefinger should be on the outside, resting on the skin that’s between your vulva and anus. He then clasps the tissue that’s between his thumb and forefinger and massages. This stimulates the part of your genitals that stretch wider when you have intercourse. (The ceiling of a vagina doesn’t stretch as much, as the pubic bone is right above it.)

2. It sounds as though each time you’ve tried to have intercourse there’s been a fair amount of pain. I suspect that the muscles around the mouth of your vagina are now automatically tightening up whenever Mr. Jumbo tries to land. This would be your body’s way of protecting you from more pain. Unfortunately, it is backfiring.

One thing to try is called “femoral intercourse,” but it isn’t intercourse at all. It is where your partner lies on his back and you lube up his penis. You then straddle him and ride back and forth along the length of his well-lubed penis as it is lying against his belly. (Your vulva is like a hotdog bun, and his penis is like a Ballpark Frank. You slide the bun up and down the length of the dog, enjoying the sensations without him trying to steal home. Be sure to use birth control even if he holds the mayo. His penis is not going into your vagina, but your genitals will be rubbing together and that’s reason enough to call out the contraceptives.)

It might help if you could learn to give yourself some orgasms this way or at least enjoy the sensations. You are in complete control and there’s no need to worry about intercourse. These pleasant experiences with his penis will help the muscles around your vagina learn to stop clenching in anticipation of pain. This also helps massage the tissues around your vulva, which leads to the next step.

3. Consider purchasing two or three penis-shaped objects or dildos that range in size from small to large. Start by lubing up your vagina in addition to the smallest dildo. Once you become comfortable inserting that and moving it around inside your vagina, move up to the next size. This process should be done over several weeks and not all in one night. The women who run
Touch of A Woman
(
www.TouchOfAWoman.com
) can be very helpful with this process. They have products especially designed to help.

4. Once you are comfortable with these steps, have your partner rest the head of his well-lubed penis at the opening of your vagina, but no farther. A day or two later, have him move in about a quarter-of-an-inch if it is comfortable for you. Try just a little extra each time you are together, as long you feel comfortable with it. As for intercourse positions, you’ll want to be really conservative. Stay with the classic missionary position where you are on your back and your legs are slightly spread. Avoid rear-entry positions and stay away from anything where your legs are flexed. Any flexing of the knees tends to compress or shorten the available thrusting space in the vagina. Also, you might find that having an orgasm before intercourse helps.

5. To help prevent pain that’s associated with deep-thrusting, see the suggestion on pages 346 - 347. Your BF can put a silicone gasket around the bases of his penis that can shorten his plunging depth.

6. If you use storebought lube, I would caution you against anything with glycerin in it. While this is not a problem for many women, it does create the potential for vaginal infections. Why tempt the Fates with another negative association to sex? (See Chapter 12:
Sex Lubes, A New Look
.)

A Reader Comments...

“In this chapter, you are very supportive about having a penis that’s too small or too big. And when it comes to breasts, you talk about how stupid it is to enlarge them. I wish you would have said more about how a woman can feel insecure from having large sized breasts. I’ve had breasts that were larger than size D since I was fifteen. Looking for a bikini that fits right is an all year task, and most clothing never fits right because it is either too loose on the bottom or the fabric is stretched to the edge. It can also feel awkward being surrounded by other girls who have cups that are a lot smaller.”

“Please give some support—not only to the girls and women who feel insecure about small breasts—but also about those who are not sure whether they like their big ones.”

CHAPTER

88

Basic Brain Weirdness

T
his chapter is about the mental landscape, and parts of it that can get in the way of having a good sex life, or just having a good life. Some people would call these mental glitches; others say they are a normal part of the human condition.

Shyness

Shyness is a funny thing. Sometimes it sits like a shroud over everything you do. Other times it is highly selective, making only certain parts of your life sheer hell. Shyness can take many forms and can be a great deal more mysterious than people give it credit for. For instance, shyness can make you babble like a fool and say really stupid things or it can make you seem cold and aloof when you’re really not.

To illustrate what happens when shyness gets the better of you, consider the following true story of Andrew. Andrew is now really old, but he used to be really young.

It was a beautiful spring day about a month or two before the beginning of a somewhat magical time that later became known as the Summer of Love. Unfortunately, Andrew had never even put his hand up a woman’s shirt.

None of this stopped him from having an overpowering crush on a very popular young woman who was older than he. This female heartthrob just happened to be the homecoming queen. She was so special that he was too embarrassed to tell even his best friend about his lick-the-mud-off-her-shoes-if-that’s-what-she-wants crush. Instead, he focused his energies on trying to act cool whenever she passed by.

To make matters worse, the young goddess was constantly surrounded by senior guys who had their own cars, lettered in football and baseball, and got drunk and never even threw up. He, on the other hand, saw himself as just another underclassman who had less than a snowball’s chance in hell of attracting this woman’s interest.

One day about an hour after school, some strange and peculiar force caused this special woman to toss her books and pompoms into the back of her car and aim it for the very address where this young man lived. When the doorbell rang he figured it was probably the paper boy or a Jehovah’s Witness selling “The Watchtower.” When he walked outside and saw who it was, his knees turned to Jell-O, and it seemed like an hour before he was able to take a breath. All things considered, he did well to maintain bladder control.