The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (74 page)

Mailing lists (also known as listservs) are an email-based variety of discussion boards. Members subscribe to a website’s mailing list on a specific topic, and each member’s email commentary is forwarded to the entire group. This can save you the trouble of constantly logging on to a discussion board and is a good way to stay informed of late-breaking news or events. Mailing lists tend to attract a group of more committed participants, and can have a real family-like feel.

Finally, private email provides a simple, direct method of communication. You can use email to exchange sweet seductions with a trans-Atlantic pen pal you’ve never met or to spice up your lover’s boring day at the office. You don’t need the Web to send email, though many websites and ISPs do provide free email services.

Surfing Tips

Safety

• Don’t give out personal information in chatrooms or in your member profile.

• Use anonymous email to protect your privacy.

• If you get unwanted messages, ignore them; simply don’t respond. If they persist, see whether your software allows you to block mail from a specific sender, or complain to the site administrator.

• If you plan to meet your online pal in person, take some precautions: Meet in public, tell a friend where you’re going, bring cab fare and a cell phone, practice safer sex.

Netiquette

• If you’re a new user (a “newbie”), read for a while to learn protocol before joining chats and news groups.

• Read a website’s FAQ (frequently asked questions) to reduce unnecessary questions.

• Be brief in your comments and give others a chance to speak.

• Practice good spelling and grammar.

• Refrain from making moral judgments or proselytizing.

• Stick to the subject and avoid redundancy.

• Be polite, greet newcomers, avoid foul language (unless you’re talking dirty!).

• Avoid uppercase, it’s the equivalent of SHOUTING.

Cybersex

This is the term most people use when referring to a sexual act that takes place online between two or more people. Each party sits at a computer and pounds away at the keyboard (and other sensitive areas), until the desired climax is achieved.

WHAT’S THE APPEAL? As with phone sex, the appeal of cybersex has to do with anonymity and the interactive fantasy component. You can be as nasty as you want to be with other users—sharing erotic stories, describing sexual encounters, initiating virtual sex acts—either publicly (which has the appeal of exhibitionism and group sex) or privately. Because no one ever sees you, you can try out different names, personalities, genders, or sexual preferences.

Cybersex is great because you really get to use your imagination and yet you know (or think you know) that someone else is getting off right along with you.

There is an anonymous quality that allows one to be a bit of a voyeur without any involvement, and that is kind of fun.

Perhaps because you may never see the other users, a particular type of intimacy and conversation develops. Shy people often feel freer to assert or reveal themselves in this faceless format; a strong sense of community often results.

The Net allows an unguarded level of conversation that I would never, or only rarely, be able to engage in with women I meet every day. I find that informative, fun, and stimulating intellectually as well as sexually.

With electronic sex you don’t have to worry about catching a disease or being rejected. I can experiment with all kinds of sex because there are no consequences.

As this woman points out, cybersex can also be a great standin for couples who don’t live together:

When my lover and I were living a thousand miles apart for a year or so, we would often chat with each other privately on the Net, and exchange long, involved fantasies with each other—usually one-handed! At the moment of climax each of us would pound the keyboard with our free hand, letting our partner know by the spray of gibberish what had just happened. Sounds corny? That’s love in the time of the Internet for you.

There are some downsides to cybersex. Some find it hard to masturbate and type at the same time (may we suggest a strap-on vibrator?). Others find cybersex unsatisfying after the novelty wears off. And many women complain about having to fight off a barrage of sexual solicitations in their efforts to find someone worth cybering with.

I find the lesbian chatrooms boring! I am always accused of being a man because I want to talk about sex. This is ridiculous. As if “real” lesbians don’t fantasize or have sex.

I engaged in cybersex for a short while but ultimately found it dull, redundant, and inefficient (too hard to type and masturbate at the same time…for this woman, anyway!). I also found it to be too anonymous for me. I like to make real, genuine person-to-person connections and that is a huge challenge when staring at a computer screen.

IS CYBERSEX CHEATING? THE GREAT DEBATE: People tend to fall into two camps when it comes to this issue. In one camp are the folks who feel that, yes, cybersex is cheating if you’re in a monogamous relationship.

Now that I’m married, I very much believe in keeping my activities strictly monogamous. I don’t have interactive sexual communication/relations with anyone.

In the other camp are those who feel that cybersex is simply another form of sexual exploration, no different from reading erotica, fantasizing, or masturbating. We fall into this camp, and we’d encourage you to look at cybersex as a sexual enhancement tool, which—at its best—provides the opportunity to explore your fantasies, learn new techniques, and adopt a bolder communication style. Sure, if you’re cybering to avoid, replace, or hurt your partner, that’s a problem (and not one caused by your computer), but if you’re just experimenting for fun and pleasure, cybersex might actually enhance your sex play with a real life partner. As our friend Michael Castleman likes to say, “Who cares how you get your appetite as long as you come home for dinner?!”

Cybersex led me to some AMAZING phone sex encounters that have been very powerful…and also resulted in meeting some very wonderful people.

I love to have cybersex with my husband. I travel on business a lot, so there are times when we are apart for a week—and sometimes even two. So having cyber and phone sex helps. It’s one big sex-fest when I get home, though!

I see cybersex as a very abstracted form of mutual masturbation combined with intermixed fantasies.

Romance and Dating

Plenty of people go online in search of real life partners. Matchmaking sites have proliferated, taking personal ads to a whole new level of detail and sophistication. Members can maintain detailed profiles of their physical characteristics, social preferences, and partner requirements, and can then search on many of these same features when looking for a potential mate. Some people like to post photos with their profiles, others wait till they’ve made contact before sending one out.

I’ve found online dating services (Yahoo, etc.) to be really refreshing. I live in a small college town without a lot of dating possibilities. I’ve been able to hook up with a number of folks in nearby metropolitan areas. Particularly since my last long-term relationship ended, I’ve found it really empowering to know that I can always find people to date.

While there are plenty of generic matchmaking/ personals sites online, there are also a growing number of sites that focus on more sexually explicit subject matter. They take the same basic personals concept, but allow members to detail specific sexual activities, techniques, or interests. These sites are great for folks who just want to cut to the chase—no essays about long walks on the beach or candlelight dinners. They can also provide a more direct way to simply engage in a bit of cybersex with people you’ve screened beforehand—a nice alternative to the cattle-call atmosphere of chatrooms.

Privacy

At Good Vibrations we’ve always recognized the importance of respecting our customers’ right to privacy, which is why we’ve never sold our mailing list, sent unsolicited catalogs, or emblazened the company name all over our packaging. But with the widespread popularity of the Web, more and more people are worrying about whether the sites they patronize care at all about privacy.

Data Tracking

Yes, it’s true, computer technology makes it easier than ever to track, retain, and traffic in all kinds of information about you and your surfing habits. But most sites aren’t out to scam, harass, or bombard you with junk mail. As with anything, the few who exploit the system tend to give it a bad name.

If you’re concerned about what people can find out about you online, go see for yourself. Do a search on your name, look yourself up in the online yellow pages, and check the user profiles you’ve filled out to see if you’re carelessly divulging unnecessary information. Delete what you don’t want known yourself, or ask your ISP to do so.

Think twice before giving out information. Lots of sites take advantage of promotions, contests, or “free registration” to capture your email and demographic information. In most cases they’re just trying to determine how best to market products to you in the future. If you’re worried about unwittingly signing up for a lifetime of spam, read the fine print before signing up. Many sites have an opt-out clause if you don’t want to receive their marketing literature. If you’re uncomfortable providing any of the “required” information, check the site’s privacy policy first, or simply don’t sign up.

Many sites track your surfing habits with a device known as a “cookie”—a piece of data about your visit that the site stores on your computer’s hard drive to access upon your return. Cookies are often a necessary part of a retail site’s shopping cart system, but the data can be compiled and sold to other companies. Some excellent websites explain “cookies” and how to disable them.

Reputable sites are aware of consumer privacy concerns and will post privacy policies or join organizations like TRUSTe, which require members to follow certain standards when gathering customer data.

And then there’s spam. Anyone who’s ever received a trickle of spam in their in-box knows that with time the ensuing onslaught makes paper junk mail seem like child’s play. At least we can all relax that no trees were killed in the process. Sadly, once your email address gets out there, it’s really hard to prevent spam, unless you close that account and start all over again with a new address. If you find spam unbearably annoying, visit an antispamming site for tips on minimizing its flow. As of this writing, spam-blocking software is available, though it may not block all spam.

Stalking

The media loves to pick up on the occasional online stalker story and use it to frighten the wits out of unsuspecting surfers. Yes, you should know that it is possible for virtually anyone to read your email, impersonate you, access the personal information you provided when you signed up with your ISP, grab your password, or track all of your online activities. This, however, is rare. Bear in mind that it’s also possible for someone to tap your phone lines and bug your house, but this has probably never happened to you. It’s good to be aware of potential risks, but this shouldn’t prevent you from exploring or having a good time. People’s fear of online crime has more to do with ignorance of this new technology than with any statistically greater threat. The Web hosts some of the friendliest, most accessible communities you could ever hope to join, so our advice to you is to log on, exercise common sense—and enjoy.

The Communications Revolution

Change rarely comes without controversy. The information superhighway, with its free-flowing exchange of sex information and erotica, has naturally become a fertile breeding ground for legislative interference. Check out our resource listings under “Freedom of Expression” for a list of organizations dedicated to defending your right to online sexual materials.

Many people harbor the anxiety that technological advancements like the Web only make us more dependent on machines—who’ll bother to have sex with a real person if virtual sex is so safe and satisfying? It’s worth bearing in mind that even the most realistic simulation is still only a simulation, and could never replace the real thing. Cybersex doesn’t satisfy the need for physical stimulation or companionship, and vibrators don’t diminish the desire for a big kiss on the mouth. The primary appeal of any high-tech toy is its potential to stimulate our most powerful low-tech toy—our erotic imagination. With each new technological innovation, we can expand our fantasy realm and learn more about pleasure.

PROFILES
in
PLEASURE:

The Society for Human Sexuality

“I think that the
Internet provides a
type of ‘emotional
safety’ for folks
who want to
explore ideas that
they might be too
embarrassed to
bring up in real-life.”

S
pend just a few minutes online researching sex and you will inevitably wind up at the granddaddy of sex information sites, the Society for Human Sexuality (SHS). Home to one of the largest online collections of sexuality materials, SHS contains articles on hundreds of subjects—from aphrodisiacs to handballing to vibrators—along with how-tos, interviews, transcripts, and FAQS as well as reviews of books, toys, and videos. Archives of out-of-print sex publications and the work of many excellent sex writers reside here, along with resources and instructions for sex activists and community organizers.