The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (78 page)

SAFEWORDS: Both partners need a way to clearly communicate if they are feeling overwhelmed and want to slow down or stop the action altogether. Safewords afford a quick and easy way to alert your partner to the fact that you need a break. Usually, couples agree on words or signals that will be completely unambiguous.
No, don’t,
or
stop
are inefficient safewords, as you may well find yourself deep into role-playing and crying out these words without the slightest desire for anyone to stop doing anything.
Yellow
or
red
are frequently used to mean “slow down” or “stop.” Some couples agree to use the top’s first name as a signal to ease up, or you can simply say, “safeword.” The bottom line is, select a word that’s easy to remember. It’s also helpful to have a safe signal, such as snapping your fingers, in the event that one of you is gagged.

Expectations

S/M involves exploring fantasy and playing with illusion. As with any case of bringing a fantasy to life, you’re far less likely to experience a disappointing discrepancy between dream and reality if you try to clarify your expectations and motivations ahead of time. Power play is a blend of mental, emotional, and physical stimulants, and simply going through the physical motions will probably not be particularly arousing in and of itself. Ask yourself what feeling you want to get out of your experience. Do you want to feel powerful, awe-inspiring, vulnerable, frightened, taken care of? Once you have a sense of the emotion you’re seeking, you can figure out how best to go after it.

The same physical activity will be appealing to different people for different reasons. It helps to figure out not just what you like, but why you like it. You might want to be tied up because you like the sensation of immobility or because you like being exposed or the illusion of being someone’s property. Is it important that you are being punished for an invented infraction, humiliated by a cruel dominant, trained by a loving master? The distinctions are crucial to the success of your scene. Neither you nor your partner can expect to intuit what intangible components will provide satisfaction and enhance sensation. Talk about it—S/M play provides a unique opportunity to get specific about naming your desires.

Finally, be realistic. Bear in mind that you can’t do everything you’ve ever dreamed of in one session. If you leave each other wanting more, you’re far more likely to play together again than if either one of you feels overwhelmed by what happened between you.

Toys and Techniques

For simplicity’s sake, much of the following section is addressed to the top in a scene on the assumption that she or he will be the one wielding the toys. As you read on, please keep in mind that just as clothes don’t make the man (or woman), toys don’t make the scene. Although there’s a tendency to equate S/M with the use of equipment, many people incorporate power play into their sex lives without a single prop. That you’re intimidated by whips and can’t tie a knot to save your life doesn’t mean you can’t be a thrilling dominant. Anyone’s flair with toys can be enhanced if she or he has played without them first. The power of the human voice and an authoritative manner are greater than any ropes and chains.

I find the deepest pleasure in the trust aspects of intense sex. There is huge power and eroticism in giving your body to a sexual experience because you trust someone. I was once nervous about allowing a lover to penetrate my vagina with his cock and my ass with a dildo at the same time. His soothing voice assuring me that it would be OK and I could handle it almost sent me over the top before we even attempted it. It was heavenly.

Imagine ordering your partner to keep her legs spread wide open while you tease her clit, or directing your partner to keep his hands clasped over his head while you go down on him—if the punishment for disobeying is that you’ll instantly stop what you’re doing, chances are good that you will be obeyed to the letter.

Bondage

Restraining your partner or being restrained is a highly popular activity—many of our survey respondents listed bondage among their favorite sex games.

Once I put handcuffs on my boyfriend and sat him on the couch so I could play with him. I kissed him and touched him all over. It drove him nuts. He kept begging to be let free and stretching out his neck as far as he could to kiss me. I just kept pushing him back and telling him no. Then I started riding him and I loved feeling him strain against his bonds. He didn’t have any control over what was happening. I think that’s the closest I’ve ever come to losing it.

I’m both afraid of and fascinated with bondage. I tease and chide my partner until she ties me to the bed. And then I am faced with an urgent fear that I will be left there…. The combination of that loss of control and the faith I am putting in my partner to respect me is really trippy. I like it.

Bondage

I like being tied up and teased or even left for a while. I like to play the helpless wench (maybe if I were helpless in real life, I’d be a dominatrix). I like to be forced to think about it until I’m in a frenzy of desire and begging for it.

Bondage can be appealing for many reasons. You may be inspired by the idea of rendering your partner helpless, so that you can tease and torment her or him at your leisure. Or you may like the idea of erotically displaying your partner spread-eagled on the bed and exposed to your merciless scrutiny, posed gracefully with arms overhead, strapped to a chair, or just plain hog-tied. You may want to dress your pet in a collar and leash and do some obedience training. Cock-and-ball toys provide a specific type of bondage that serves to simultaneously restrict and display a man’s genitals.

I’ve had fun being handcuffed, tied up, etc. One of the most fun sex-plays I’ve had was when I allowed a partner to tie up my cock and balls and pull me by this “leash.”

SAFETY TIPS: Whatever your pleasure, bear in mind some basic safety guidelines. One commonsense rule: Don’t do anything that will constrict joints or cut off circulation. If you’re tying rope, cords, or a scarf, don’t use any knots that tighten with resistance—slip knots are bad, bowlines are good. If you’re knot-illiterate, it’s time to dig up that old Boy Scout manual or to look for a similar reference guide. A lot of people tie each other up with thin scarves or stockings, not realizing that the soft, slippery material is hard to untie and can tighten, resulting in pinched nerves or even permanent nerve damage—the same is true of phone or electrical cord.

Whatever material you use, make sure you’ve left enough room to fit one finger between the bond and your partner’s wrist or ankle (and two fingers between a collar and your partner’s neck). You’ll also feel more secure if you keep within arm’s reach a pair of scissors, preferably bandage scissors (these have a blunt edge on the blade that would rest against the body).

No one should be kept completely restricted for longer than half an hour, and you should be careful not to let your partner’s arms or legs fall asleep. You’re both responsible for regularly monitoring bound body parts for cooling or numbness—signs that blood has stopped flowing into the extremities. Be particularly attentive to someone in standing bondage or who’s holding his or her arms overhead—your partner’s elbows should be slightly bent to reduce stress on the joints. Never suspend anyone by his or her wrists, ankles, or neck. Never tie anything around someone’s neck or otherwise restrict breathing—if you’re using a gag of some kind, check regularly to make sure it’s loose enough that your partner can breathe and make noise. And, finally, don’t ever leave someone who’s bound or gagged alone in the room—this is no time to go answer a phone call. Sure, you may want to pretend to “desert” your bottom for several minutes at a time, but you should keep an eye on him or her from wherever you are hiding.

PROPS AND PROCEDURES: It can be intimidating to hop into the driver’s seat and tie somebody up if you’ve never done so before. Take your time and enjoy the sensuous feel of whatever bondage material you’re using. You can entertain and distract your partner with a running commentary on exactly what you’re going to do next. This may be the perfect occasion to whip out a blindfold or to wrap a scarf over her or his eyes—you won’t feel scrutinized, and your partner will feel vulnerable and filled with anticipation.

Supplies:
Bondage materials run the gamut in texture and price range. Rope, clothesline, and scarves are all cheap and readily available. Just keep your safety precautions in mind when using these materials. A trip to a hardware store is something of a field day for a bondage fan—you’ll find snap hooks, double clips, chain, and eyebolts at bargain prices. You can screw eyebolts or hooks into your bed frame, walls, baseboards, door frame, or ceiling—hang that macramé plant-holder from the ceiling hooks when your mom comes to visit, and no one will be any the wiser. Mountaineering or backpacking stores are also great resources and carry panic snaps: clips that release easily even if weight is pulling on them—these should be used for any standing bondage.

Restraints:
Some people really like the idea of co-opting household supplies for their sex scenes, while many others prefer to buy something designed especially for what they have in mind; therefore there’s a thriving industry in restraints, bonds, and cuffs (we’ll use these terms interchangeably). While it may seem like a bit of an investment to buy restraints, consider the advantages: They are wide, padded, comfortable, and much safer than thin cords. Furthermore, many are so beautifully crafted they can double as accessories.

Less-expensive restraints are made of nylon webbing or fabric—they wrap around the wrist or ankle and fasten with either a buckle or Velcro. You can find varieties that have a long lead, which you then tie wherever you please, or that are set with
D
-rings. The advantage of the
D
-ring variety is that you don’t necessarily need to tie any knots, provided you purchase a little hardware. You can fasten the restraints together with a double clip, slip a leash clip over the
D
-rings, or use chain to fasten the restraints to an eyebolt in your wall. Of course you can also just tie a rope or scarf to the
D
-rings and fasten the other end wherever it suits you.

Various styles of S/M toys

You can buy fabric bonds in every color of the rainbow. Their quality and sturdiness can vary quite a bit, and the ties of some of the cheaper fabric varieties rip off the body of the restraint with a simple tug or two. If you do have the chance to shop for restraints in person, rather than by mail, check how well the fastening is reinforced, and make sure the leads are sewn down securely.

On the luxury end of the scale are leather bonds. Most leather bonds are padded, and some are fleece-lined, for a plushy, snug fit. The buckling variety fasten with wide buckles—some buckles are designed so that you can slip a padlock through and lock the restraint shut. These buckling models are all fitted with
D
-rings. If tying restraints onto your partner strikes you as a bit intimidating, you’ll appreciate how easy it is to be suave and commanding with buckling bonds. If you’re shopping in person, check that all rivets and snaps are secure and that the restraint fits comfortably, but not so loosely that it could slip off.

Handcuffs:
These have a certain classic appeal, but they should be used with caution. Make sure the cuffs you purchase have a safety catch that locks them into position, so that they won’t tighten further after being fastened—and make sure the safety catch works with a pin, not a lever. Don’t even think about buying hand cuffs unless you’re willing to pay top dollar. Be careful in positioning those wearing handcuffs so that they’re never lying with their body weight on top of all that sharp metal. And, as with any locking toy, keep the key handy! If you like the idea of playing with locks, your best bet would be to key all your padlocks and cuffs to one standard key.