The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (54 page)

There’s a lot of pleasure awaiting you if you let your imagination lead you beyond the confines of traditional sex.

Once, after some time apart, my boyfriend and I made love simply with his hand stuffed inside me and me making love to his cock with my hand wet with my juices, lying as if we were having intercourse, and it was wonderful—like taking apart the elements of traditional fucking and intensifying them.

CHAPTER 12

Dildos

A dildo is any object designed (or recruited) for vaginal or anal insertion. Dildos don’t vibrate, though many battery vibrators are dildo-shaped. They don’t even move unless you put them into motion. Dildos have been around in one form or another, in one culture after another, since the beginning of civilization. In fact, according to
The Prehistory of Sex,
dildos
predate
civilization—three-dimensional “phallic batons,” including a gorgeous sculpture that clearly resembles a double dildo, have been found in Upper Paleolithic art created more than thirty thousand years ago.

Dildos are represented in Greek vase paintings of the fifth and fourth centuries B.C. and were worn by actors in classical Greek stage comedies. Throughout the Hellenistic Age, the coastal city of Miletus in Asia Minor was well known as the manufacturing and export center for dildos made of leather or wood. In a Greek dialogue from the third century B.C., one woman complains to another that all their acquaintances are borrowing her beautiful new scarlet leather dildo before she’s had the chance to try it herself. The
Kama Sutra
refers to dildos made from wood, tubular stalks, or reeds tied to the waist, while a nineteenth-century Chinese painting depicts a woman acrobatically entertaining herself with a dildo strapped to her shoe.

Dildos may be sex toys with a long and honorable history, yet in this day and age they just can’t get no respect. Kids use the word as a pejorative; sex toy shoppers hesitate over how “unnatural” it seems to play with what seems a disembodied phallus; and many bristle at the implication that they would crave a “penis substitute.” The bottom line is, dildos make people nervous. Yet it’s well worth overcoming your dildo-induced anxiety.

Why Would I Use a Dildo?

The truth is that it’s natural for the vagina to balloon during sexual excitement, leading many women to crave the pressure and fullness of penetration. It’s natural for those of us who appreciate anal stimulation to enjoy feeling the anus contracting around a dildo. Isn’t it a bit arbitrary to insist that anything that goes into the vagina or anus should be attached to a human body? After all, we work out on Stairmasters and whip up romantic dinners à deux in our Cuisinarts with no concern that we’re indulging in “unnatural” pleasures. Instead, consider the theory that the word “dildo” derives from the Italian word
diletto,
or
delight
—for dildos are unquestionably among the most delightful sex toys around.

Sometimes a Cigar Is Just a Cigar

The notion that a dildo is a substitute for nature’s fine creation, the penis, implies that dildos are second-rate standin’s for “the real thing.” This second-best status has given dildos a bad rap. Women who have fought to overturn the notion that intercourse alone defines a sexual experience sometimes throw out the baby of pleasurable penetration with the bath water of preconception. For years, it was assumed that lesbians played exclusively with dildos in a simulation of heterosexual intercourse—after all, what else is there for two women to do in bed? In a classic example of cutting off your nose to spite your face, many lesbians responded to the stereotype by condemning dildos as tools of the patriarchy. After all, if a dildo is supposed to be a replacement for a penis, the desire to wear a dildo could be seen as a form of penis envy. Similarly, men who are led to believe that dildos are “fake penises” may react by taking an adversarial stance toward the very toy that could bring them so much pleasure in bed.

Let’s set the record straight: A dildo is not a penis substitute any more than riding a bike is a substitute for taking a stroll. A dildo is an object that allows you to penetrate yourself or your partner in a marvelous variety of ways. Dildos are a logical, dare we say natural, response to the fact that while many of us enjoy having our vaginas or anuses filled, no two of us have exactly the same preferences in terms of the length, width, and shape of the object filling us. Why should your experiences with penetration be defined by the dimensions of your current partners’ penises or fingers? Few of us limit our dining experiences to eating only whatever is in the refrigerator at home. Think of dildos as the take-out food of the sexual realm; they offer novelty, spice up your routine, and teach you about the range of your appetites.

Playing with a dildo

Variety

Not only are no two vaginas alike, but no one vagina is alike all the time. At different times in her life, at different times during the menstrual cycle, and in different intercourse positions, a woman’s vagina will accommodate different-sized objects. A wardrobe of variously sized, shaped, and colored dildos is just as crucial to the well-equipped penetration maven as a wardrobe of clothes for all seasons.

In some positions, the contractions of my cunt are too strong for my partner, so we’ll use the dildo.

Dildos are good when you can’t get enough.

My most enjoyable time with a sex toy was when my boyfriend took pictures of me using my Jelly cock. It’s about eight inches long, and he wanted to get pics of it all the way out, half way in, and all the way in to show how much cock I could take. For some reason that amazed him. I was turned on, simply because he was.

Safety

The primary distinction between sex with a penis and sex with a dildo is that sex with a penis requires a certain amount of negotiation with your partner, whereas sex with a dildo puts you squarely in the driver’s seat. You and you alone are in charge of your experience with a dildo, which can take some getting used to. Many of us unconsciously rely on our partners to set the pace of a sexual encounter. Even those of us who regularly masturbate with vibrators may be inclined to abandon ourselves to the vibrations rather than to direct the flow of sensations. Dildos are the ultimate self-assertion tool—it’s up to you to manipulate them for your own pleasure. And they’re great self-awareness tools, allowing you to experiment with penetration without the performance anxiety of having a partner present.

Once I left my dildo in the bedside table at a women’s writing retreat. I’m told it now has a place of honor on the Self-Help bookshelf!

Women who are nervous about penetration, or those suffering from vaginismus, can gain confidence through playing with dildos. Postmenopausal women may want to use dildos to keep their vaginas toned for intercourse. Male-to-female transsexuals are required to exercise with dildos (referred to by the medical establishment as “dilators”) to keep their surgically created vaginas from contracting shut. Both men and women who want to experiment with anal penetration often find solo play with dildos a great way to learn their own preferences and limits. Furthermore, dildos are the ultimate safe-sex fuck-buddy. As long as you keep your dildo clean and condom-clad, it will never infect you or your loved ones with any virus or bacteria.

Fantasy

Best of all, dildos can provide the key to unlock many an inspiring fantasy. Whether you’re playing alone or with a partner, dildos offer an easy, safe, fun way to enact scenes from your erotic imagination.

I especially enjoy using a dildo while getting fucked or sucking my partner—partly for the ménage à trois fantasy—partly because it’s a turn-on for my partner.

My favorite method of masturbating is riding a dildo with a vibrator. I guess it reminds me of riding a horse!

Dildo Do’s

Do Relax

The key to comfortable penetration of any kind is to relax. Your vagina and anus are surrounded by pelvic muscles, and if these muscles are tense or contracted, you won’t find penetration a pleasant experience. A lot of us carry tension in our genitals without even being aware of it. Before you settle in to play with a dildo, bring some attention to bear on your genitals. Do Kegel exercises to get the blood flowing throughout your pelvis. Put the tip of the dildo at the entrance to your vagina, inhale and contract your vaginal muscles, then exhale and bear down with your vaginal muscles. As you bear down, slip the dildo inside your vagina. If you feel your muscles tensing, deliberately contract and relax them around the dildo.

You may find you enjoy squeezing and releasing a dildo, as this enhances awareness of sensation in your vagina. Try combining muscular contractions with moving the dildo: For instance, tighten your pelvic muscles as you slowly slip the dildo out of the vagina, then relax your muscles and let the dildo sink back inside. Whatever you choose to do, keep breathing and don’t force any more of the dildo into your vagina than you can comfortably accommodate. The same considerations apply to anal play with a dildo. Remember, you’re the one in control of the experience.

Do Use Lube

Dildos are dry. They don’t self-lubricate the way genitals do. Furthermore, dildos frequently have a slightly gummy, porous texture that absorbs moisture. Please always use lubricant with dildos. We don’t care how much lubrication you produce on your own—two slippery surfaces slide together much more comfortably than one slippery and one dry surface. Apply lube to the dildo and to your vagina or anus. Nobody likes dildo burn, and there’s no reason to experience it. The dildo that struck you as impossibly large when you took it for a dry run could well seem the perfect fit once you lube it up.

Do Keep Your Dildos Clean

Dildos come in all types of material. Some dildos are completely smooth and nonporous; others have tacky surfaces and are quite porous. You could transmit infection if bacteria and viruses linger in the pockmarks of your porous dildo. At the very least, wash your dildo with mild soap after each use. Rinse it thoroughly and let it dry completely before putting it away. Viruses and bacteria won’t live on a dry surface.

You can save yourself time and trouble by using condoms with your dildos. Even if you use your dildo exclusively in your own vagina, you can benefit from using condoms; they’ll prevent you from reinfecting yourself with a yeast infection and can add years to the life of a cheap rubber dildo. Change the condom every time you swap a dildo with a partner or every time you move the dildo from your anus to vagina. After all, no dildo will ever complain of being forced to wear “a raincoat in the shower.”

Do Use Common Sense

Babies will put just about anything into their mouths, and adults have been known to put just about anything into their vaginas and anuses.

I’ve been penetrated by a pickle, a long-neck beer bottle, and a big stick ice cream.

Although we applaud this kind of enterprise and ingenuity, we implore you to use common sense and not to put anything fragile, anything sharp, or anything with rough, jagged edges into your body. If you’re using a plastic hairbrush handle, make sure that the plastic seams are filed down. Don’t use anything wooden that could splinter or anything glass that could shatter, and don’t insert an open bottle neck-first—the resulting suction could make it very difficult and dangerous to remove.

Certain dildos produced by the adult industry contain wire rods that allow the dildo to be bent or cranked into all kinds of interesting configurations. In the case of more cheaply made toys, the metal can tear through the soft rubber of the dildo all too easily. In a worst-case scenario, the wire could poke through the dildo and perforate your vaginal or anal walls. Look for toys with plentiful, thick casings, and don’t be afraid to pull and prod it with your hands to ensure that the rod isn’t going to come through. There are other options for those of us who find the idea of an adjustable dildo appealing. Certain jelly rubber and cyberskin dildos contain flexible plastic spines segmented into plastic “vertebrae.” These dildos can be bent into a variety of different angles without fear of the plastic spines tearing through the surface as uncovered metal wires might.

Styles

Whereas vibrators can be found camouflaged as “massagers” in department or discount stores, the natural habitat of the dildo is and always will be the sex shop. When Good Vibrations first opened in 1977, the only type of dildo commercially available was the great-big-Caucasian-penis look-alike. As more and more sex-positive entrepreneurs moved into manufacturing, dildo design diversified, and there are now more styles and sizes than you can shake a stick at. Even the mainstream industry is making an effort to produce dildos in a greater variety of skin tones, as well as in playful colors and materials.