The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (51 page)

DO USE LUBE: The anus and rectum don’t produce any lubrication of their own, and you absolutely must use some kind of lubricant anytime you engage in anal penetration. Bear in mind this cautionary understatement:

Trying to put a dildo up my butt when I did not have lube was not a good idea.

Since water-based lubricants dry up more quickly than oils, some folks feel that oil-based lubricants are optimal for anal play. We would still suggest that you avoid the risk of using oils. Instead, shop for thicker varieties of water-based lubricant and use them lavishly. Look for lubes that don’t contain nonoxynol-9, as this is a potentially irritating to delicate rectal tissue. As a fundamental precaution, if you’ve been on the receiving end of an oil-based lubricant, you should refrain from being on the receiving end of penis-anus intercourse for the next few days, as oils could linger in your rectum and destroy the next condom that comes your way.

Unfortunately, some lubricants and lotions containing anesthetic ingredients such as benzocaine are specifically marketed for anal sex. What’s wrong with this picture? The last thing you want to do is to numb sensation in your anus, thereby deadening your awareness of what’s going on in your body. The network of nerve endings in your anus and outer rectum is your best defense against hurting yourself. As with any kind of penetration, pain is a warning signal that you should stop what you’re doing.

DO RESPECT YOUR ANATOMY: The anus and rectum are made of smooth, highly expandable tissue, so it’s physiologically possible for your rectum to expand to accommodate an entire hand if you’re anesthetized during surgery or if you’re a practitioner of anal fisting. As with vaginal penetration, physiological capabilities have little to do with personal preferences. You may be perfectly happy with a pinkie’s worth of anal attention, or you may enjoy anal intercourse with a large dildo. If you insert anything longer than nine inches, you’ll come to the entrance to your colon. Devotees of deep anal fisting may wish to delve into the colon, but average aficionados of anal penetration are happy to restrict their paddling to the relative shallows of the rectum.

Knowledge of the shape of the rectum is especially relevant to comfortable anal penetration. The outer or lower rectum tilts toward the front of your body for about three inches, at which point it curves back to the spine for another few inches, and then tilts slightly forward again where it meets up with the sigmoid colon. You’ll need to keep these curves in mind when you insert a finger, dildo, or penis. You’ll want to angle toward the front of your body to follow the initial tilt of the rectum while simultaneously angling gently upward to negotiate the first curve of the rectum. Practice by feeling your way along slowly while experimenting with body positioning—just as no two snowflakes are alike, no two rectums are alike, and you’ll need to adjust to your own idiosyncrasies. If you’re inserting anything more than four inches long, it should be flexible enough to adapt to the curves of your rectum.

DO USE COMMON SENSE: Anything that goes into your anus should be smooth, seamless, and free of rough, scratchy edges. It’s all too easy to damage the delicate tissue lining the rectum. This means you may need to file down the plastic seams on your anal beads.

You should also make sure that there’s no way you can lose hold of whatever is going into your anus. That butt plug or battery vibrator you’re wielding should have a flared base, so that even if you let go, it won’t slip out of reach into your rectum. At a bare minimum, your toy should be over seven inches long so that you can keep your grip on it. If you do happen to let a toy slip into you, it’s more than likely that if you wait patiently in a relaxed position, it will come back out the way it went in. Many of us, however, find it hard to be patient and relaxed with a rudderless sex toy on the loose in our bodies, and in certain instances, the toy can get pushed all the way up into the colon, at which point surgical intervention will be necessary to remove it. Save yourself the possible headaches: Choose and use your toys carefully.

DO COMMUNICATE: If you’re on the receiving end of anal penetration with a partner, you should feel as much in control as you do during solo play. It’s up to you to help your partner negotiate your rectum safely and comfortably. Communicate about what feels good, and let your partner know immediately if you experience any pain. You should be able to stop what you’re doing at any time. Anal play can be an extremely intimate encounter with a partner, provided you trust each other sufficiently to relax and enjoy.

Fingers

Probably the most common source of anal stimulation is the finger. The light, sensitive touch of a finger is the ideal way to titillate the anus and coax it into opening up. If you’re going to play with your partner’s anus, we suggest you put on a latex glove or a finger cot. Not only will this take care of any hygiene concerns you or your partner might have, but you’ll also be protecting your partner from your fingernails and any rough skin. Start by applying lube around the anal opening and circle your finger around the soft folds of anal tissue. Take the time to look at your partner’s anus: You may be surprised at how sweet and innocent it looks—not like an “asshole” at all. Many people find that gentle stroking of their highly enervated anal opening is all the anal stimulation they desire.

I like the feel of a finger pressing lightly against my asshole.

I adore digital pressure to the outside of my anus.

If your partner becomes sufficiently relaxed, she or he may bear down and slide right onto your finger. Your fingertip should be reaching toward the front of the body, rather than crooking up toward the tailbone. The sphincter muscles may tense up automatically as soon as you enter, so hold your finger still at first until the anus relaxes around it. Then feel free to insert your finger more deeply, exploring the outer rectum. You can circle your finger, tap and stroke the walls of the rectum, or move your finger gently in and out. If your partner is experiencing anal penetration for the first time, she or he may find the sensation a little unsettling. The primary association we all have with pressure in our rectum is that we’re about to defecate, so your partner may feel briefly uncomfortable while adjusting to the sensation.

We hope it goes without saying that anal penetration is a great adjunct to other types of stimulation. In fact, many couples regularly incorporate anal fingering into their oral sex or intercourse routine.

During sex, an occasional fingering by my girlfriend while I’m inside her is great.

I enjoy my partner putting a finger in my anus during oral sex. But it makes me come a lot faster. I also like her tongue on and in my anus.

My favorite position is when I’m on my back in a pleasure swing, with my knees to my chest, while my cock is sucked and stroked and a finger is penetrating my butt.

Anal Fisting

Like vaginal fisting, anal fisting is something of an art form, and is spoken of in almost spiritual terms by its practitioners. At first blush, the notion of anal fisting strikes many of us as impossible at best and dangerous at worst.

Fist? Don’t people need diapers after that?

The truth is that the rectum is highly expandable, and every human being’s rectum is capable of accommodating a hand without sustaining damage. The proportion of human beings who are able to voluntarily relax their anus to this extent is, however, relatively small. People who engage in anal fisting frequently take hours to build up to any one session, and experience it as almost a meditative union of mind and body, involving total relaxation and receptivity. Fisting is an esoteric sexual discipline that has been practiced around the world throughout history.

All the basic rules of anal play—relaxation, lubrication, and communication—apply ten-fold where fisting is concerned. Never go into a fisting session if either you or your partner is drunk or stoned. Drugs can numb your awareness of pain, and pain during anal penetration is always an indication that what you’re doing is not right for your body. Given the delicate nature of the rectum, it’s especially important to make sure your nails are filed short and smooth and that you’re covering them with a latex glove.

Since water-based lubricants dry up more quickly than oils, some people feel that oil-based lubricants are the only way to go when it comes to fisting, arguing that latex gloves are thicker than condoms and are unlikely to break down from contact with oil during the limited time period they’re worn. We would still suggest that you avoid the risk of using oils, as noted in the lube section.

Anal fisting is frequently and misleadingly listed as an activity that’s high-risk for sexually transmitted diseases. Although it’s true that fisting could conceivably cause tears in the rectum, which would be vulnerable to subsequent encounters with infected bodily fluids, fisting is inherently no riskier than any other type of anal penetration. However, the fister should always wear a latex glove to minimize the chance of transmitting infection.

The techniques described in the section on vaginal fisting are applicable to anal fisting. We don’t believe, however, that anyone who reads one or two pages on the subject of anal fisting in a general interest book like this one is sufficiently educated to take a crack at this quite sophisticated sexual practice. If you’re interested in learning more about fisting, we recommend that you track down an excellent book devoted to the subject,
Trust: The Hand Book.

Anal Intercourse

An activity that has many fans, anal intercourse has been practiced in all civilizations throughout history.

I’ve discovered that anal sex stimulates the legs of my clit and makes me come more easily. Anal sex feels more intense and it also feels more intimate than vaginal sex in a way, because it takes more relaxation and trust for it to work.

If you and your partner would like to experiment with anal intercourse, please discuss your intentions ahead of time. As with any anal play, intercourse requires considerable relaxation and good communication, and it’s best not to embark on it on the spur of the moment. One bad experience with rushed, forced anal penetration is frequently all it takes to make someone swear off anal sex for life. That dense concentration of anal nerve endings that communicates exquisite pleasure when approached respectfully communicates agonizing pain when handled roughly.

I’ve only once had anal penetration that was pleasant, because he knew to go slow and use lubrication.

When partners ask if I’ve had anal sex and it’s obvious the answer is yes, they always assume I’ll do it with them. Um, sorry guys, no, that involves trust and lube.

The following discussion of anal intercourse applies both to opposite-sex and same-sex couples and to penis-anus intercourse or dildo-anus intercourse.

EXPECTATIONS: Get clear with your partner about your respective expectations. Are you assuming that anal intercourse will be just like vaginal intercourse in terms of preparation, pace, and sensation? Bear in mind that the anus and rectum require a more deliberate and gradual approach than the vagina does. You may not be able to insert your entire penis or dildo, or to thrust as vigorously as you do during vaginal or oral sex. You and your partner should have discussed in advance whether or not it’s okay for you to come while inside the rectum. As you approach orgasm, your movements may become a little less controlled, and this could cause your partner to tense up and experience some discomfort. You may find that your anxieties around inflicting pain or the more lengthy process of getting your penis inserted causes your erection to subside. Try not to be too goal-oriented in your approach, and allow yourselves to have fun exploring the range of sensations—let your level of arousal ebb and flow. After all, nobody has got a stopwatch trained on you.

If you’re being penetrated, you may have anxieties that you’re taking “too long” to relax and feel that you should grit your teeth and bear any painful sensations out of some sense that “the show must go on.” Please respect your own responses, and don’t buy into the popular misconception that anal sex “has” to hurt. It will be a more pleasurable experience for both of you if you’re completely relaxed and receptive. If the physical sensations become too much for you or you feel frightened and out of control, by all means, stop what you’re doing.

The pleasure derived from being penetrated results from the internal massaging pressure and fullness in the rectum. Direct prostate stimulation leads many men to orgasm solely from being anally penetrated. Some women, though fewer than men, can also orgasm solely from anal intercourse. If orgasm is your goal, you should certainly incorporate other types of genital stimulation into what you’re doing. A vibrator on your clitoris, a dildo in your vagina, a hand around your penis, a nipple clamp tugging your nipple, or a cock ring snapped around your testicles can all contribute to your experience of anal intercourse. Some people feel that anal intercourse produces unique sensations of serenity and intimacy, and it may be that these sensations will be powerful enough to make orgasm seem irrelevant.

Anal intercourse is infrequent, but an exclusive “high.”

POSITIONS: Despite the common assumption that anal intercourse almost by definition takes place in a rear-entry position, all the positions used in vaginal intercourse can be adapted to anal intercourse. The most important consideration for any position you choose is that the receptive partner should control how and when penetration takes place. For convenience’s sake and to avoid a morass of pronouns, let’s assume that Tarzan and Jane are about to try anal intercourse for the first time. Jane has fashioned a beautiful dildo harness out of jungle vines, and Tarzan is eager to enact his fantasy of feeling Jane moving inside him.