The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (27 page)

Addiction Fears

You know that popular cliché, “You can never have too much of a good thing”? That about sums up our feelings regarding masturbation and addiction. If you do it and you like it, keep doing it, with our blessing and encouragement. It’s true that if you masturbate, and you enjoy it, you’re probably going to come back for more, which conceivably qualifies you as an “addict.” It’s the negative connotation behind the word
addiction
when used in the same sentence with
masturbation
that causes our hair to stand on end.

Some people maintain that it’s bad or unhealthy to rely on one activity or behavior as the primary source of one’s pleasure. But if this were true, couldn’t we just as easily be adversely addicted to our hobbies: reading, fishing, traveling, jogging? Can you imagine the mind-boggling array of recovery groups that would spawn? Masturbation is natural, is healthy, and brings us pleasure—so why deny yourself? As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else (which is difficult to imagine, with a solitary habit), you can get off till the cows come home, for all we have to say about the matter. We suspect that, behind folks’ fear of masturbation, a few other factors are at work, often disguised as addiction anxieties.

Guilty Pleasures

Many of us have a long association of sexual pleasure and guilt. We feel guilt because we’re doing something we were told was bad throughout our youth, or we feel selfish or greedy for putting our sexual needs first:

I feel a little guilt, when I masturbate, that I should be having an orgasm with my husband.

I feel guilty about having more than one orgasm.

Guilt was easy for me as a Catholic, so masturbating under the tub spout left me with horrible images of suffering an embolism while playing with the gushing water, and my dear old dad coming in to find his eldest child dead with rigor mortis setting in, my legs frozen in pretzel position around the faucet head, while cold water spewed out over the tub and flooded the bathroom.

Because it’s difficult for many of us to enjoy our pleasures guilt-free, we tend to look for something that might be “wrong” with them. For example, if you eat too much chocolate you’ll get acne; if you jog too much you’ll get overly fond of the endorphin high. In reality, these fears function as unnecessarily negative ways to control or moderate our pleasures. Some people might not “give in” to the temptation to masturbate because they fear that once they try it, they’ll quit their jobs and stop seeing friends just so that they can stay home and masturbate all day. In fact, once people “give in,” they’ll probably start going to work with a better attitude!

Sometimes we just need a reminder or reassurance that what we’re doing is okay. For the gentleman who won a contest we held at Good Vibrations asking folks to submit their top ten reasons for masturbating, all it took was a pat on the back to liberate his guilty conscience:

Thank you for picking my list as the “most universal” ten best reasons to masturbate. I think this means that I am now completely able to leave behind any left-over guilt I might have felt about masturbating when I was an adolescent. I am no longer a pervert! I am a normal, masturbating person! Yahoo!

Frequency

People are constantly questioning whether they are masturbating “too much.”

Too much for whom or what? There’s no magic number measuring “normal” frequency. Some folks masturbate several times a day and feel just fine about it, while others masturbate once a week and are wracked with guilt. If you fall into the latter category, try to determine what questions or attitudes are fueling your concern. You might seek answers or support from a friend, book, or professional. Sometimes hearing or reading about the habits of other people is all the reassurance we need that we’re “normal”:

I got the good news early on that masturbation was okay!
Liberating Masturbation
by Betty Dodson and the original
Our Bodies, Ourselves
were important texts. Rita Mae Brown helped me think more outrageously about the right to jack off!

I used to wonder if my masturbation methods were sick, but books by Betty Dodson, Shere Hite, and Lonnie Barbach reassured me that many other women had my orgasmic patterns.

Perceived Danger

Masturbation is not dangerous as long as you exercise good judgment and use common sense. When it comes to masturbation, there are lots of “do’s” but only one “don’t”—don’t endanger yourself. We’ve all heard stories about boys inserting their penises into vacuum-cleaner hoses with gruesome results. And while we’re constantly assuring people they can’t electrocute themselves with a vibrator, we’re assuming they aren’t planning to use it in the bathtub.

Some people express concern over their rapid heart rate when they become increasingly sexually excited. One woman even joked about it:

My only anxiety now is having a heart attack and being found with all my delightful toys!

Let us assure you this is extremely unlikely. The
Journal of the American Medical Association
reports that men with heart disease are at a lower risk of having a heart attack after sex (1 percent) than they are upon simply waking up (10 percent), exerting themselves (4 percent), or getting angry (2 percent). Those movie scenes of men having heart attacks during sex are convenient plot devices so that the young wife can inherit all the money!

Hang-Ups

People incorporate a variety of anxieties about sex into their masturbation practices, either consciously or unconsciously. Folks who find their genitals “dirty” might only masturbate through clothing. Those afraid of “getting caught” might wait until they’re alone in the house, or have learned to masturbate without making a sound. One of our most common requests at Good Vibrations is for a quiet vibrator, “one that can’t be heard through the walls in my apartment.” Still others might turn these limitations into necessary ingredients for their arousal; many people enjoy masturbating in situations where there is a greater possibility of getting caught. There’s nothing wrong with any of this; it’s just helpful to be aware of these dynamics, in case you come face to face with an anxiety that’s limiting your enjoyment.

Masturbation and the Next Generation

Unless we make a concerted effort to reassure kids that touching themselves is okay, we continue to perpetuate the stereotype that it’s not. We do our kids a disservice if we remain silent or feign ignorance—for without positive reinforcement and understanding from parents, kids are left to sort through the conflicting messages being broadcast around them. Sitcoms refer to masturbation as a joke, advertisers flaunt it to sell product, and politicians condemn it (one president fired the surgeon general over her promasturbation stance, and another described the activity as “pathetic”).

Most parents find masturbation one of the more awkward and difficult topics to address with their kids. According to Meg Hickling, a respected Canadian sex educator and author of the book
More Speaking of Sex,
“Many parents realize that masturbation is normal and healthy, but they don’t know what to say to a son who’s sitting in front of the TV playing with his penis.” Meg points out that scolding or embarrassing kids for their behavior simply sends the message that masturbation is bad, and she encourages parents to stress the difference between things done in private (like going to the bathroom or picking your nose) versus those done in public.

I can remember getting caught a LOT when I was a child, but no one ever told me it was bad or that I shouldn’t be doing it, just that I shouldn’t be doing it in the living room or at my grandmother’s house.

Kids are never too young—or too old—to read your feelings about masturbation. Young children don’t masturbate with sexual intent, they’re just doing what feels good. Infants and toddlers may not yet be ready for the privacy discussion, but they will pick up on your attitude about self-pleasure if you swat their exploring hands away during bathtime or after a diaper change. Adolescents and teens grappling with sex education courses about STD and pregnancy prevention would probably welcome an upbeat reminder from you that masturbation offers a safe and pleasurable way to release sexual tension.

I don’t have any anxieties about masturbating. My mom encouraged me to masturbate when I was younger. She said it would help me learn what I liked sexually.

When I was little (6 or 8), I was sure there was something terribly wrong with me for having what I now know were orgasms. I finally gathered my courage and asked my mother about them, and she was fantastic. My fears died down after that. In reaction to the turmoil I felt then, I have fought inside myself and in the community to foster good feelings and clear consciences about self-pleasuring.

As these women show, discussing masturbation with your child in a direct, permissive manner lays the groundwork for a healthy sexual self-esteem. However, this isn’t something that comes naturally for most of us, so it’s in your best interest to do a little planning and research to sharpen your communication skills. Fortunately there are some excellent websites and books for parents and kids that can prepare you for questions children are most likely to ask. Our own book
The Mother’s Guide to Sex
explains the various stages of children’s sexual development and offers age-appropriate advice on talking to kids about sex.

I was 13 when I read a book about sex that belonged to my parents (I found it and managed to sneak a read). This book was very explicit about the clitoris and about masturbation, so I decided to try it and did so, very successfully, that night after I went to bed. I had my first-ever orgasm after only a couple of minutes and even that first time I remember I had to stuff my face into the pillow to stifle my cries. I thought the whole thing was wonderful, absolute magic—I was completely hooked.

How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways...

So you’ve made it this far in a chapter on masturbation, and now you’re ready for a little action. Before we describe the most common ways folks masturbate, we’d like to encourage everyone—whether you’re a seasoned masturbator or new to the activity—to spend a lazy afternoon exploring your body. The following section is geared toward women who need a little practice masturbating, but we invite you all to participate!

If You’re Preorgasmic

“Preorgasmic” is the word used to describe women who have never had an orgasm before. Sex therapists generally prescribe a series of masturbation exercises, which, if performed regularly, succeed in teaching most women how to achieve orgasm. The best and most thorough do-it-yourself book is
For Yourself
by Lonnie Barbach. Betty Dodson’s videos
Selfloving
and
Celebrating Orgasm
demonstrate techniques for increasing arousal and achieving orgasm. Most programs suggest that you set aside at least an hour a day for several weeks for a masturbation session. During each session your goal is to free yourself from distractions and to focus your attention solely on your body and how you’re making it feel good. Here are some basics:

GET IN THE MOOD: You should be completely alone during your session. It’s important to relax as much as you can. Let go of all those distracting worries about work or family. If you’ve got any guilt feelings about masturbating, try to check them at the door. Let your mind wander to images or thoughts that you find arousing. You may want to replay an exciting past sexual encounter. Perhaps you have a favorite fantasy, or even an image of yourself in some erotic environment. If watching yourself in a mirror turns you on, try that. If music, videos, or reading material help, try those. Remove your clothes if you like, and explore the sensations of sun, soft sheets, or water against your skin. Run your hands along parts of your body, noticing which areas are more sensitive than others. Try a variety of touches: tickling, stroking, pinching, massaging.

GET TO KNOW YOURSELF: When you feel ready, touch your genitals, using the same variety of caresses that you did on the rest of your body. If you aren’t familiar with the different parts of your vulva, get out a hand mirror and take a good look at yourself. Identify all the parts of your genital anatomy, and then gently touch the inner and outer lips, the clitoris, the vagina. Begin experimenting with different movements: try one finger or many, the palm of your hand, knuckles, anything to elicit a number of sensations. (If you are a man, alternate lighter and heavier pressure on parts of your penis and your testicles.) Stroke or squeeze, fast or slow; use fingers, knuckles, the palm of your hand, or both hands:

I like to lie on my back and stroke my breasts, squeeze my nipples gently, and stroke my thighs. Sometimes I use lotion. I then massage the lips of my vagina with my first two fingers, insert fingers into my vagina, and then when I feel really excited I put my two first fingers on either side of my clitoris and squeeze, and move them up and down—so the clitoris slides in its hood.

Lying back on my bed, I get excited touching my breasts, my stomach, my vulva, bringing the clit smell up to my nose—I love the wetness and moving my hips in a rocking motion. I can fantasize myself coming, or pick a book with arousing material and allow the words to guide my thoughts and my body.

The important thing is to experiment with these sensations, repeating the ones that feel especially good. Let your mind pursue erotic thoughts as your arousal heightens. Continue in this manner until you feel like stopping or until you orgasm. If you don’t orgasm, that’s okay—what’s important is your discovery of what feels good. You can build on this the next time you masturbate.