The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (70 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?”
The teacher looks at him and says, “No, but that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.”
So the student replies, “Then I’ve definitely shit in my pants.”
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” is the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the cashier the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?”
“No, I am actually 47.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned the man says, “That was great! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
Q. Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
A woman and her little boy are walking through Central Park and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, “Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?”
The lady responds, “They’re making a sandwich.” Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replies that they are making a sandwich.
A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and says, “Mommy, daddy, you must be making a sandwich because mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!”
Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!”
“I’ve been circumcised,” the other replies.
“What’s that mean?”
“It means they cut the skin off the end.”
“How old were you when it was cut off?”
“My mom said I was two days old.”
“Did it hurt?” the kid asked inquiringly.
“You bet it hurt—I didn’t walk for a year!”
A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friend’s instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says OK and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he crashes the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replies that she can’t because she doesn’t have any clothes on.
He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your crotch with it, and go for help!”
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, “Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?”
The clerk replies, “I’m sorry, I think he’s too far in.”
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth. The doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby’s head pops out. The doctor says, “Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes.”
To which she replies, “Yeah, I heard those Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby’s body comes out. “Holy shit, your baby has a white body,” the doctor says.
“Yeah, I heard those white men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try,” she says.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push one more time and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. “Holy shit! Your baby has black legs,” the doctor says.
“Yeah, I heard those black men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try,” she says.
So the doctor shrugs it off once more, ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass so it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, “How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, a white body, and black legs?”
The woman replies, “I’m just glad it didn’t bark!”
Bill Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says, “Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity.”
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