The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (31 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Have you heard about the kid that was born last week? He was born with no eyelids. Apparently the doctors took the foreskin off his dick and made him eyelids. Now he’s cockeyed.
One day Little Red Riding Hood was going to see her grandmother, so she put some provisions into a basket to take with her.
Just as she was going to leave, her mother turned to her and said, “Little Red Riding Hood, you had better look out for that Big Bad Wolf because he’ll pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off.”
“Oh dear,” said Little Red Riding Hood, as she went on her way.
About two hours later, she got to her grandmother’s house and she was so pleased to see Little Red Riding Hood. Her grandmother invited her in and made some tea and they sat down and talked for hours. The grandmother suddenly noticed that it was 10 o’clock at night and said, “Oh dear, Little Red Riding Hood, it’s getting late and you should be going.”
So Little Red Riding Hood got ready and was just about to leave when grandma turned to her and said, “Little Red Riding Hood, you best beware of the Big Bad Wolf because he’ll pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off.”
“Oh dear,” said Little Red Riding Hood, as she set off for home. She got about half way through the woods when, all of a sudden, the Big Bad Wolf popped out from behind a bush. So Little Red Riding Hood pulled up her little red skirt, pulled down her little red panties and said to the big bad wolf, “Eat me like the story says!”
A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service. The man sits down and says, “I’ve only got three questions.”
“OK,” replies the woman.
“Do you like to clean?” he asks.
“I love cleaning,” she replies.
“Great. Do you like to cook for other people?”
“I love to cook,” she says.
“Fantastic,” says the man. “OK, last question. Do you like sex?”
“I like it infrequently,” she replies.
The man then asks, “Is that one word or two?”
A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I have a slight discharge.”
The female doctor says, “Alright, pull your pants down and stand over there.”
The man pulls his pants down, and the doctor grabs his penis and starts massaging it gently. The man’s head starts wobbling and he’s got a big smile on his face.
After five minutes of this, the doctor says, “There’s no discharge here.”
The man replies, “I know, it’s in my ear.”
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
Rich widow looking for man to share life and fortune.
Needs to have these qualifications:
1. Won’t beat me up
2. Won’t run away
3. Has to be great in bed
For several months, her phone rang off the hook; her doorbell was ringing constantly; she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doorstep.
Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you? And what do you want?”
“Hi,” he said. “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms so I can’t beat you up and no legs so I can’t run away.”
“Well, then,” she said, “what makes you think that you’re so great in bed?”
To which he replied, “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Q. What is the first thing to come out of a penis when you kiss it?
A. The wrinkles.
One day, three sisters were at home and their mom said their boyfriends could stay the night.
That night, the mom was walking through the hallway and heard crying from the first daughter’s room. Then, she heard laughter coming from the second daughter’s room. However, there was no sound at all from the third daughter’s room.
The next day after their boyfriends had left, the mother asked the first daughter why she was crying.
“Because it hurts the first time,” she replied.
The mother asked the second daughter why she was laughing.
“Because it tickled the first time.”
Then the mother asked the third daughter what she was doing as there was no sound from her room.
The daughter answered, “But, Mom, you always taught me not to talk with my mouth full!”
A man walks into a bordello in New Orleans and says to the madam of the house, “I would like to see Madelyn.”
The madam says, “Madelyn is our most expensive woman at a $1,000 a night.”
The guy says, “No problem!” and hands over $1,000 in cash. So the madam shows him up to Madelyn’s room.
The next night, the man shows up and requests Madelyn again, throws down $1,000, and again he spends the night with the expensive hooker.
In the morning, Madelyn tries to make small talk and asks him where he’s from.
The guy says, “I’m from Philadelphia.”
Madelyn jumps up in surprise and says, “Really? Me too!!”
The guy says, “Yeah, I know. Your father just passed away and your brother wanted me to give you $2,000.”
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