The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (34 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
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Early one summer, a six-year-old Arkansas boy and his family decided to take a trip to Sweden. During this trip, the six-year-old Arkansas boy stumbled upon a nudist camp. Noticing the adult men were different in appearance, the six-year-old wandered up to the most endowed male at the camp. “What is that?” the six-year-old asked.
“Dis is a penis,” the Swedish man replied, “and da perfect penis, if I might add!!”
Upon arriving back in Arkansas, the six-year-old continued school with the second grade, and, for his first “show and tell,” the six-year-old Arkansan removed his penis from his pants and said, “While in Sweden this summer, I learned that this is a penis...and it would be a perfect penis...if it were only 4 inches shorter!!”
A man walks in to the pharmacy and says “I need some birth control pills for my 12-year-old daughter.”
The man behind the counter replies “Your 12-year-old daughter is already having active sex?!”
The dad says, “No, she just lies there like her mother!”
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.”
A second guy says, “What’s that?”
The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.”
Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.”
A girl asks, “What’s that?”
He says, “That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.”
A lady says, “That’s nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.”
Larry says, “A WIFE? What’s a WIFE?”
She says, “That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
A man had just bought a computer but he didn’t know how to set it up so he got this girl to do it for him. When she asked him what his password was going to be, he said (trying to be funny), “Penis.”
She didn’t laugh at him, but she laughed at the response that came up: Password rejected—not long enough.
What do you call the extra skin around a pussy?
A woman.
A couple is working in the garden and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can’t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window that she can’t hear.
So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions.
(“I need the rake.”)
She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her butt, then rubbing her crotch.
The man is confused and runs upstairs.
“What? What was that?”
“Eye, left tit, behind, the bush.”
Having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string ‘em along with some half lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
A guy walks into the living room followed by a sheep and says, “This is the pig I’ve been fucking.”
His wife, who is sitting on the sofa, says, “That’s not a pig, stupid, it’s a sheep.”
The guy turns to his wife and says, “Shut up, bitch, I was talking to the sheep.”
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
“Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.”
When he arrives at the hotel there’s a letter waiting for him that reads as follows:
“Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

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