The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (27 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
“Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?”
After some thought Jane proudly replied with, “Monday.”
“Great, Jane. That has two syllables, Mon...day.”
“Does anyone know another word?”
“I do! I do!” replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picked Mike instead.
“OK, Mike, what is your word?”
“Saturday,” said Mike.
“Great. That has three syllables...”
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny said, “I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!”
Not thinking he could do any harm with a word that large, the teacher reluctantly said, “OK, Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly said, “Mas...tur...ba...tion.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure, said, “Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That’s certainly a mouthful.”
“No, Ma’am, you’re thinking of ‘blow job’, and that’s only two syllables.”
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” in which a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”
Over the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful—the woman remained young-looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags. Those are your breasts.”
She said, “Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.”
Did you know that the most commonly used sexual position in the world is doggy style? You know, the one where the man sits up and begs and the women rolls over and plays dead.
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?”
The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
A beautiful young woman walks into a dentist’s office for some major work on her teeth. Sitting in the waiting room for a while, she is finally told the doctor will see her. She enters a small room and sits down in the chair and awaits the arrival of the dentist. After a few minutes or so the doctor comes and sits down to take a look. He asks the young woman to open her mouth so that he can take a look. To his surprise he notices that almost every tooth in her mouth is chipped, broken, and some are completely missing except for the roots. Even her tongue looks as if it has been beaten. She then asks the doctor what the problem could be, and he answers, “Well, Lois Lane…”
Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A. Keep the tip!!
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand job.”
Guy says, “$500! For a hand job! Jesus Christ! No hand job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that restaurant on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the restaurant about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third one?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand job that’s worth $500.”
Guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he’s just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow job is $1,000?”
The hooker replies, “$1,500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow job!”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
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