The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (26 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, “Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!”
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it. It is tequila, he says. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, “Consuela, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila.” His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass, and when he fills it, his wife asks him, “But, Pancho, why do we need only one glass?”
Pancho raises the glass and says, “BECAUSE TONIGHT YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE.”
An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down. A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off. Every few minutes the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills.
When they arrive in town, he lets her off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service station attendant asks.
“Nothing,” she says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.”
Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day around dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon arriving, Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally, he couldn’t stand it any more and broke down and asked her what happened.
She replied that it was the best sex she’d ever had!!
“Why?” asked Farmer Brown.
“Well, when he took off his pants it was only an inch long and as big around as my little finger, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew to 16 inches. Then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.”
Farmer Brown said, “Shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my fucking ears off!!!”
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique. It really is phenomenal! I have a question though: Why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.
“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.
So I picked up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.’
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ‘You now have three wishes.’
I looked down at my scrawny body and said, ‘I want a body better than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.’
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ‘What will be your second wish?’
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.’ She nodded, lay down, held her arms out to me and we made mad passionate love!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know, you do have one more wish, darling. What will it be?”
I looked in to her loving eyes and replied, ‘How about a little head?’”
Tarzan and Jane are going to do it for the first time, but Tarzan tells Jane that he doesn’t know how.
Jane says, “Look, it’s very easy,” and she explains what it is to make love.
Tarzan tells her, “Tarzan does it in tree trunk hole.”
Jane tells him, “You’ve got it all wrong, you stick it in this hole,” motioning to her crotch.
Tarzan and Jane get naked and Jane motions Tarzan to put it in her crotch. Tarzan goes to Jane and kicks her very hard in her crotch.
Jane, twitching with pain, asks Tarzan, “What was that for?”
Tarzan says, “Tarzan checks for Squirrels.”
Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Ten naked men running in a circle and the first one stops!
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex, too.
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