The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (56 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Two women friends had gone out for a girls’ night out, and had been decidedly overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave, and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband called the other husband and said, “These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.”
“That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station; we’ll never forget you!’”
A bride tells her husband, “You know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner.’ So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And then they make love for the first time.
Afterward, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Darling, the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Darling, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterward, he lies back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “The prisoner has escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, he shouts at her, “It’s not a life sentence, OK?!”
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feels a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, “What’s your name?”
“Huey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?”
“Duey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The witty bartender says to the third duck, “So I guess your name is Louie?”
The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles.”
Q. What do a Rubik’s cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, three soldiers are asked to report to their commander.
The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of $100 per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.
The commander asks the first soldier, a Special Forces commando, how he can measure him up.
“I’ll have the top of my head to the tips of my toes, Sir!” replies the man of war.
“Excellent,” says the commander, “that’s 70 inches, so here’s $7,000.”
Second up, a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched.
“Excellent,” replies the commander after measuring the marine, “75 inches, so that’s $7,500.”
Thirdly, he asks the explosives expert.
“I’ll have the tip of my dick to the end of my balls measured, Sir!”
The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private’s privates he snaps back up saying, “Where in Christ’s name are your balls, soldier?”
The soldier smiles at him and says, “Falkland Islands, Sir!”
Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you’re adventurous, you might like to try an underlay.
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. A bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, then goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what’s in bed, then goes to the refrigerator.
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