The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (117 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The teacher asks another question. “What did Mary say to Joseph after their 23rd baby?”
The boy pokes her with a pen and she says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time I swear I will snap it in half!!!”
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”
The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”
“No,” says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”
A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
The teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?”
Grandpa replies, “Nope.”
The teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?”
Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Celeste got a little scared. “It’ll be my first baby,” she confessed with a blush, “and actually, I don’t know the first thing about how babies are delivered.”
“Don’t worry about a thing,” reassured the doctor. “It’s really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place.”
Startled, Celeste exclaimed, “You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?”
A modern Islamic couple preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man says, “We realize it’s tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So, after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answers the Mullah. “It’s forbidden in Islam.”
“Well, OK,” says the man. “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Mullah. “Alla ho Akber! Sex is OK within a marriage to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man.
“Alla ho Akber! No problem,” says the Mullah.
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the Mullah. “Alla ho Akber. Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure! Alla ho Akber!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes! Alla ho Akber!”
“Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
“You may, indeed. Alla ho Akber!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No,” says the Mullah.
“Why not?” asks the man.
“Because that could lead to dancing.”
The wives of four presidents and prime ministers are talking together about how to say “penis” in their languages.
The wife of Tony Blair says that in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says that in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
The wife of Clinton says that in the United States you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
Every Sunday, the town preacher rode his bike to church. This particular day, a member of the church noticed that the preacher was walking.
He asked, “Where’s your bike?”
The preacher said, “Someone stole it. It may have been one of the members.”
“Well,” the member proceeded to tell him, “for next Sunday’s sermon, preach on the Ten Commandments. When you get to Thou Shalt Not Steal, really stress it and you’ll get your bike back.”
The next week the same member of the church had seen the preacher riding his bike.
“I see you have your bike back? Did you do what I told you about preaching about the Ten Commandments?”
“Yes,” replied the preacher.
“Did you stress Thou Shalt Not Steal?” he asked.
“No,” the preacher answered.
“What happened?” asked the member.
“Well,” said the preacher, “when I got to Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it.”
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