The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) (10 page)

What did I expect? I took this job and was devoting every waking hour to it.
I did this
knowing he’d wanted me in New York.

He was beautiful and intelligent, with everything to offer. Women must be throwing themselves at him, and one thing was certain, he was all man. I couldn’t expect that he’d be celibate, especially when we hadn’t even talked about the state of our relationship.

I’d placed my Blackberry on the small table beneath the window next to the bathtub within reach, just in case. Pathetic.

I sat there for a while and added more hot water to the tub, sipping my wine until my eyes started to droop, when the phone vibrated on the table.

I reached out and grabbed it quickly, my heart praying it was Ryan. Water splashed out of the tub and onto the tile floor, saturating my towel.

Crap.

“Hello?”

“Hey.” Ryan’s voice was tired, but still velvet and soothing.

“It’s late, Ryan. Why are you still up?”

“Well…I’m happy to talk to you, too!” he snapped.

I sighed. Shit this wasn’t where I wanted to begin this conversation.

“I am happy to talk to you, but I don’t want you to be tired.”

He was irritated. “Fuck, Julia. I’m a big boy. I go to med school and
everything
.”

My lips flat lined and I frowned. “Did you call just to be a dick?”

“No.” He sighed deeply. “I thought we needed to talk and I can’t reach you any other time of day.” His frustration poured through the phone.

“I’m sorry, but um…you’ve been pretty unavailable, too. It’s just how things are right now. It isn’t the way I want it.”

“How
do
you want it then?” He was impatient and pissy.

“Do we have to have this fight again? I’m doing everything I can to get a damn promotion but I haven’t been here long enough, Ryan!”

Silence. I could hear him breathing hard on the other end of the phone.

When he didn’t answer, I continued softly, “Besides, it sounded like I’d just be in the way anyway.”

“Don’t start that shit!” he answered sharply. “You know I want you here. That girl was just someone I was helping with coursework.”

“How convenient it was in the middle of our phone call,” I said bitterly. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I felt my throat thicken and tears prick the back of my eyes. My voice was trembling and I wasn’t sure if it was my emotions or the water getting cold around me that was making me shiver.

“She followed me! We were supposed to meet at the library!” I could picture him running his hands through his hair.

“It doesn’t matter, Ryan. It’s none of my business.”

“I can’t take this shit, Julia. Of course it’s your business!” he said angrily.

I didn’t answer; instead rising from the water and finding a towel in the hall closet, since the other one now lay in a saturated heap.

“You were in the bathtub?” He heard the water slosh.

My teeth chattered as I answered. “Y…y…yeah.”

He groaned on the other end of the phone, “Oh, God.”

I wrapped the towel around me and went into my room. The sheets were soft and welcoming as I pulled the covers up to my chin.

“I’m freezing. Sorry for the chattering.”

He took a deep breath.

“So now you’re in the bed,
naked
? You’re killing me.”

I felt my body react to his voice and his words. My skin practically vibrated with it.

“Ryan…I realize that this distance thing is a problem and we should have talked before. I get how unfair it is. I mean…I don’t even know what the hell is going on with you.”

“What I know is that I miss the shit out of you,” he said softly, but with defeat in his tone.

My eyes burned like fire. “I miss you, too…but what do you miss? I mean…are you missing your friend?”

“Yes.” My heart sank and a tear slipped silently from beneath my lashes and fell onto my pillowcase. “But I also miss what we should have between us. I feel cheated. I mean we were finally…” he began tentatively.

“I know. I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but the fact is…I’m here and you’re there. I…well, it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to transfer until I’ve been at Glamour for at least a year. It seems like forever and…you’re a man—”

“What exactly are you
saying
?” his voice was sharper again, sardonic and pissed.

“I’m saying that I understand if you just want to be friends…for now.”

“Julia, why are you pushing me away? Is there someone that
you’re
seeing? That photographer?”

“What? No! Ryan…but it doesn’t seem fair that you…” My voice was betraying me, emotion making my words stilted. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as more tears fell. I snuffled.

“Julia. Please stop this. I can’t do this on the phone.”

What am I supposed to do?
I felt like I was falling apart.

“This is what I’ve been afraid of; that trying to have some sort of romantic relationship would make things weird between us, and I really don’t want that. I…just…”

“I can’t…don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m just so nuts when we argue, especially when I can’t get to you to fix it. Are you going to San Francisco for Thanksgiving?” His voice was tired and I ached to put my arms around him.

“Maybe, I don’t know for sure. Dad might have to work anyway and who knows what emergency will come up here. If I have to work the Friday after, I won’t have time to go home. Are you going to Chicago?”

“No. I’m coming to you. That’s…if you want me. We need to figure this shit out and not on the damned phone.”

I rolled onto my side and curled into a ball, drawing my knees to my chest. “Of course, I want you.” The double meaning of the words throbbed through me. Did he understand?

“I miss you, sweetheart; so much.” Hearing the endearment made it more like he was my boyfriend, like maybe this was real. I ached to tell him I loved him, but didn’t want the first time to be on the phone.

His voice was throbbing with emotion. “That girl really was just some airhead from my Gross Anatomy group. She’s nothing but a pain in my ass. Really, Julia.”

“Okay.”

“What is Ellie doing for Thanksgiving?” The velvet voice became even more velvet.

“Going to Harris’ parents, I think.”

“For the whole weekend?” His words were slow and I could picture him in my mind; sitting on the floor in front of his bed, plucking at his eyebrow or lower lip.

“I think so. Why?”

“Can you tell Paul that you can’t make it and I’ll tell my parents that I have to stay at school? I’ll come to Los Angeles. We’re going to finish what we started that night in Boston, okay?”

My heart thrummed in my chest and heat and moisture pooled in my lower body. He was so sexy; his voice was making love to me.

“Jules?”

“Yes. I’m scared, Ryan.”

“Of me?”

“Of losing you. As much as it kills me to think of you with someone else, I can’t bear losing you. What if…”

“Julia, you can never lose me. Don’t you know that yet?”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see and took a shaky breath that he must have heard. “Mmm huh.”

“So, I’ll fly in the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.”

“Mmmmm, hmm.”

“Are you okay? I worry about you all the time.” I closed my eyes and love swelled through my chest to the point of not being able to breathe.

“Yes, now that I can finally hear your voice,” I said breathlessly.

“Oh, baby.” I heard the blankets rustle and the throp when he punched his pillow. “We’ll make this work because I can’t live with any other option. I miss you, honey, but I’m going to let you go to bed. Get some clothes on your sexy ass or I won’t be able to sleep just thinking about it,” he teased lightly.

I smiled through my tears.

“And Julia? Don’t forget to remember me…okay?” He said the words he’d said before I left him in Boston.

“That’s impossible,” I said achingly. “I hope you enjoy the package. You should get it tomorrow.”

“You’re an angel. I can’t wait. I’ll call you.”

“Yes. Goodnight, Ryan.”

“Night, babe.”

I rolled over and closed my damp eyes as the call ended. Three and a half weeks and I’d be in his arms. My heart and body ached in anticipation. I’d never want that weekend to end.

~4~

I put the story boards for the February issue in my office and locked the door behind me, rushing madly to get out of the office and on my way to the airport. Smiling from ear to ear, I ran down the hall to the elevator. I was so excited about seeing Ryan after so long that I wasn’t paying enough attention to where I was walking and a split-second later, felt myself slipping on the smooth marble of the corridor, falling backwards and struggling to avoid landing flat on my ass. My hand flew out to brace myself on the wall. By some miracle, I managed to stay upright but my purse went flying and the contents scattered in several directions.

“Shit,” I muttered. I glanced at the time as I shoved my phone back into the bag. 6:16. Ryan’s plane was landing at 7:30. and if I didn’t hurry I’d never make it to the airport in time. Traffic this time of the evening was the worst.

Andrea, my boss’ personal assistant, ran over to help me pick up my things.

“Julia! Are you okay?” Andrea was a beautiful girl with a rosy complexion, sparkling blue eyes and mops of red tresses that hung to the middle of her back. She started at Glamour a few months before me. I coordinated a lot of the photo shoots, production schedules and talent through her, which required us to work closely together. We had become good friends.

Andrea handed me my wallet and a lipstick that had fallen out of my purse with my phone. “Big plans, huh?” she asked.

“Uh, yeah. My…” I hesitated.
What was Ryan, exactly
? “My best friend is visiting. I haven’t seen him since August.” I couldn’t stop myself from smiling and I quickly stood up. We resumed the trek to the elevators.

“Him?” She smirked at me. “Is he gorg? What does he do?” Andrea was inquisitive by nature, but especially when it had something to do with the opposite sex. She was a big flirt, but didn’t have a steady boyfriend. I hadn’t mentioned Ryan before. I was keeping him a secret until I knew exactly what the hell was going on between us.

The floors dinged past as I fiddled with my car keys. “Yes. He’s very handsome.” I closed my eyes and tried to steady my voice. “He’s a med student at Harvard.” I couldn’t help bragging Ryan up a little bit. I was so proud of him.

“Wow, a would-be doctor, and
Harvard
.” Her eyes widened. “Even more impressive.”

“Yeah, that pretty much sums him up, all right.” The elevators opened and I headed to my car. “Happy Thanksgiving, Andrea!” I said as I hurried off.

“Hey, he sounds amazing, Julia. Maybe you can hook me up?” Her laughter echoed off the concrete walls of the garage.

“Nope! He’s all mine!” I said happily as I opened the door to my car and threw my purse in the passenger seat.

As I drove through Los Angeles on my way to LAX, I almost chewed off my lower lip.

Why was I so damn nervous?

Yes, I was so excited that I was jumping out of my freaking skin, but I was uncharacteristically nervous, as well. This was
Ryan
, and things would be as easy between us as they’d always been.

We’d spent almost every waking, and a lot of sleeping, hours together for the last four years, and knew each other inside and out. He gave me comfort, made me laugh and feel safe.

But…this was also the Ryan who made my panties damp and my heart beat faster. I loved him more than anyone else in my life. More than I’d
ever
love anyone for the rest of my life. I knew it as sure as I was breathing. He could take me to heaven or drop me in hell and that fact scared me to death.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. Tonight would change everything between us. Whether we made love or not, I planned on telling him that I loved him. The words had been aching inside of me for so long, especially since the night in the car after we’d found out he’d gotten into Harvard, and then the last night we’d been together in Boston.