The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) (6 page)

I hung up and turned to face Ryan.

“Okay, what’s that look on your face?” I asked as my finger pointed at him.

“Julia…nothing.” I knew him so he wasn’t getting by with this.

“Ryan, stop trying to bullshit me. I know you’re pissed about my L.A. interview, but I already had it set up. I can’t cancel.”

He shrugged. “Ok, but what if…” I reached out and laid a hand on his arm.

“Hey, there are no promises here. I told you I’d try to concentrate on New York and I will, but I’m not going to blow off this commitment or ignore opportunities. It would be stupid anyway. Condé Nast has 20 or more different magazines and some of them are based in New York, okay?”

His mouth set. “Okay,” he mumbled.

“Stop being such a moody ass and trust me.”

He smiled and ran his hand through his gorgeous hair. “You love my moody ass.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m enjoying it.” I rolled my eyes as we pulled up to my apartment.

He reached out and touched my chin and I trembled, hoping he didn’t sense my reaction. I had to remind myself that he was my best friend and not the man I was in love with.

Yeah, right
.

“Julia, thank you. I know there are no guarantees, but I’m glad you’re willing to try to be closer. I’ll pick you up at 5 AM, okay?”

I’m already close to you. So close
. That wasn’t how he meant it, but I was closer to him than I’d ever been to anyone else in my life.

My head fell back as I groaned. “Ugh! 5 AM? You’re gonna kill me.” I opened the door to get out, followed by Ryan’s velvet laughter. “Get that silly grin off of your face, and bring me a coffee in the morning.” I smiled over my shoulder.

“Suddenly, I’m looking forward to this trip. I was dreading it, but now…it’s different.” Ryan was still chuckling as I closed the door of the car behind me. “Good luck with Ellie,” he said through the open window before I turned to go inside.

Ellie was sitting on Harris’s lap on the couch when I walked in.

“Hi, Julia. Are you okay?” she asked quietly, expecting that I’d be a mess, having just said goodbye to Ryan for the last time.

“Yeah. Hey, Harris.” I said to Ellie’s hot boyfriend. He was gorgeous; blonde wavy hair and light blue eyes. Our boys were all so incredibly handsome…Ryan the most beautiful of the three.

But I’m biased, right? Nah, he is the most beautiful
.

I smiled as I kicked off my shoes and shoved them in the closet next to the door.

“Julia, don’t take this wrong, but I thought you’d be crying. You’re smiling…so what’s up?” Ellie asked incredulously.

“Can I talk to you?”

“Is this serious?” She got up off of Harris’s lap and came toward me to take both of my hands.

“It might be. Ryan has asked me to go to Boston.”

Her face lit up. “That’s great, Julia! You should spend some time with him. I mean, you guys love each other, right?”

I nodded. “Uh huh.” I glanced at Harris.

“Oh, hey, do you need me to leave?” he asked.

“Um…” I began.

“It’s okay to talk in front of Harris.” Ellie returned to the couch next to him and I took a chair across from them.

“Ellie, you know how important you are to me, but Ryan is, too.”

She flashed a beautiful smile and her face softened. “I know, sweetie. You and Ryan belong together.”

My throat tightened, but I tried to swallow it and continue speaking.

“He asked me to concentrate my job search in New York. I am not ruling out L.A. completely but he…
we
need to be closer. Please don’t be angry.”

She was silent for a moment but she didn’t appear upset. “Of course, I understand. You should have decided this a long time ago, but New York is still not Boston.”

“But it’s a lot closer. I’ll be able see him more often and I need him, Ellie. I’m…scared to let him go completely. I’m just not ready for that.”

She got up to hug me. “Julia, you’ll
never
be ready to let go of Ryan. Does this mean you guys are finally a couple?” Ellie asked expectantly.

“Um…we’re still friends. I’m not really sure what this means.”

“It means he loves you and doesn’t want to be without you. It will all work out, I promise.”

“Yes.” I said as my stomach fluttered at her words. “You’ll be a famous designer soon and rich enough to fly to New York at least once a week for drinks.” I hugged her again. “I really appreciate your understanding, Ellie. I love you.”

The week had flown by and Julia was flying back to California tomorrow. Aaron and I had new student orientation in the morning, so I’d be forced to put Julia in a cab to take her to Logan International. I hated it, but I had no choice.

The three day trip to Boston left us exhausted and the next two days were spent unpacking and setting up the apartment. Aaron and Jenna moved into the larger of the two bedrooms and I was left with the smaller one. By the time I got my bed, desk and keyboard set up, it left only 5 square feet of open floor. It felt more like a closet.

Jenna groaned at the lack of closet space and Aaron told her that he liked her better without clothes anyway. Julia and I laughed and Jen blushed. “Shut the fuck up, Aaron, or you’ll be missing what you like best about me.”

Julia kept us all fed, whipping up amazing meals in the tiny kitchen. She grunted at how small the freezer was. “So much for my plan to stock your freezer. Shit, this is small.”

My heart thumped in my chest. She was still trying to take care of me and it made it even more obvious why I loved her so much. I was finally able to face it, even if I couldn’t act on it.

Our time on the road and since we’d arrived in Boston had been bittersweet; a mixture of happiness and sadness as the minutes and days ticked by.

The trip had been a blast, but we couldn’t keep up the constant driving and were forced to spend one night in a hotel near Cleveland. I wanted to let my instincts take over and my instincts told me to make love to her. In fact, they were screaming in the darkness, keeping me awake into the wee hours of the morning. My body throbbed painfully at her nearness.

Julia tossed and turned, too…until she finally fell into an exhausted sleep. I listened to her breathing and could feel the heat from her body calling to me as I watched her sleep. I ached to reach out and brush her hair back or touch the soft skin on her arm. She was so beautiful and soft, so warm and vulnerable.

Needless to say, I lived on coffee and Diet Coke. Julia slept in the car and I teased her at the unfairness of it.

“Suck it up, Matthews. I can’t help your hormones,” she rolled her eyes at me and then grinned as she looked out the window. She knew exactly how she affected me.

In the apartment, Julia slept on the couch and, even though she wasn’t in the same bed, she was only a few feet away. I longed to go to her as I lay awake in my bed going over the events of the past week…most of all, the last couple of days as the end of our time together ebbed closer.

I turned on my side and punched my pillow, trying to find a position that would help me fall asleep.

Julia had agreed to look for a job in New York, but that didn’t mean it would happen. There was still a good chance that she’d end up far away and the possibility was eating away at me.

We took time off from unpacking, taking the train from Boston down to New York City and ran around Manhattan sight-seeing and looking in all types of interesting stores. We found a small coffee shop on the East Side where we stopped before spending most of the day in Central Park. If Julia was able to get a job here, this would be the part of town where her office would most likely be located so I wanted to get her acclimated and see how she liked it. Truthfully, the thought of her in New York, alone, worried me.

As we strolled leisurely around the city, we talked about Harvard and my class schedule, Julia’s dream job and what companies she’d be applying to in New York. We talked about our parents, and spent a lot of time reliving some of our special times together at Stanford. She asked me what type of specialty I wanted to go into and pushed me to think about it in depth. I wasn’t positive yet, but knew I wanted to go into surgery or trauma medicine.

The one topic we avoided was our feelings for each other. It hung over us like an unspoken storm, but I was enjoying the day and didn’t want to ruin it by forcing the topic, even though I ached to tell her I was in love with her.

Our time together made it clear that I could not contemplate the future without her in it. The most immediate future consisted of her getting on a plane and flying away from me.

I gave up trying to sleep and pushed out of bed. I went into the hallway and stopped to listen for signs of Julia sleeping.

I heard her soft voice calling out. “Ryan? Is that you?”

I walked the short distance into the living room. I stopped in front of where she sat and took in her shorts and t-shirt, her wild bed hair and the sparkling eyes looking up at me.

“Yeah. I can’t sleep.”

She smiled. “Well at least it’s not your hormones this time.”

“Isn’t it?” I asked softly as I touched a finger to her chin.

“Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for me to come here.”

“Yes, it was…” I said quietly, took her hand and pulled her up from the couch and down the hall, back to my room.

“Ryan…I.” she whispered as I took her in my room and shut the door behind us. I could feel her tremble beside me.

Still holding her hand, the mattress gave beneath my weight and I pulled her down next to me. She sat, cross legged facing me and I took both of her hands in one of mine, cupping her cheek with the other. She felt so soft…

“Julia…these last four years…” I began to speak but she pulled one hand from mine and pressed two fingers to my lips.

“Don’t say something you’ll regret, Ryan. I’m…scared. So scared of losing your friendship.”

I sucked in my breath. “I’m scared of losing more than your friendship, Julia.”

“I don’t understand…”

“Will you listen without stopping me? Take the risk of hearing what I have to say.” I whispered impatiently and rubbed my hand up and down her arm.

“Okay,” she said quietly.

“I’m scared of not having what we’re supposed to have if we don’t take the risk. These last four years have meant so much. Knowing you and having you near me has literally changed the course of my life. You’re my very best friend but…I feel so much closer to you than that. This thing with us…I can’t shake it.”

She nodded, almost imperceptibly and looked down at her lap. “I know. Me, too.”

I felt a little ray of hope surge within my chest and my heart sped up.
This is Julia
, I reminded myself. She knew me better than anyone else so I should just say what I needed to say.

“Since the day we met, I’ve been fascinated by you, honey. It’s getting harder and harder to be around you and try to deny my feelings.”

“Are you trying to say you’re attracted to me, Ryan? Because…I’m attracted to you, too. On many levels.” She dropped her eyes to our hands again.

“In the club, the night I got my acceptance letter, I wanted to kiss you. Holding you drove me crazy, but, it was like we talked about then. I’m not willing to lose your friendship.”

“If we cross that line, then what? Will we feel weird with each other or lose…
this
? Will it make being apart even worse?”

“Can it
get
any worse?” I asked quietly as my fingers threaded through hers.

“I don’t have that answer, but it’s something I’ve asked myself,” she whispered.

“What I
do
know, is that I’m not capable of fighting it anymore, and that no matter what happens, I will
always
want you in my life.” I searched her face as uncertainty flashed across her beautiful features.

“Ryan, do you promise?
Promise me
,” she begged as she leaned her forehead on mine. Her breath rushed over my face and I could literally taste how sweet she would be in her scent.

“I promise.” I lowered my mouth and ghosted it over hers. My heart was thumping in my chest so fast I thought it would explode. This was the moment I’d waited for, for over three and a half years.