The Fragile Fall (6 page)

“Then maybe you need to pull your head out of your ass and realize that you’re leading him on.”

“I’m not leading him on.”

“Then what the fuck was that in the pool? Last time I checked, friends didn’t hold each other the way you guys were, nor do friends look at each other that way.”

“Jax,” Lindsey whined. I glared at her. I hated Lindsey. She was constantly fucking Jax over and he took her back, every single time. She was always whiny and needy when she was around him. It made me want to smack her.

“Stay out of this, Linds,” Jax growled.

“I thought we were going swimming.” She was whining again. I wrapped the towel around me.

“Feel free to swim. My fucking day has been ruined now.” I stormed inside and ran to my bedroom, slamming my bedroom door. I was exhausted and so sick of fighting with Jax, but I didn’t know how to turn my feelings for Will off. I tried to flirt with other guys, but all I did was compare them to Will. They weren’t as tall, their eyes weren’t as blue … they didn’t light a fire inside of me. Will was the only guy I could see, the only guy I
wanted
to see. God, I was so confused and messed up. How could I feel the things I felt for Will when I knew they were wrong? How could they be wrong when they felt so
right?

And where did this leave me now?

Will

I
CHECKED
MY
BACKPACK
one more time to make sure I had everything I needed. Jax had said he would drive me to school because seniors shouldn’t be seen on the bus and I could catch a ride with him since I lived right next door.

A horn sounded from outside. “Will, Jax is here!” Aunt Liv yelled from downstairs.

“Coming!” I ran down the stairs, swinging my backpack over my shoulder.

“Have a good day, sweetie.” Aunt Liv gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Thanks.” I opened the door. “I’ll see you after school.”

“I’ll be here.”

I walked out the front door into the beginning and the end.

Jax was parked at the curb in front of our house, with the windows rolled down and music blasting. He motioned for me to move quicker, so I picked up my pace and climbed in the truck. “Ready?” he asked. I nodded. There was no going back now. I was officially going to public school.

I had asked my mom several times about going to regular school instead of being homeschooled. She always had horrifying stories about school— bullies, mean teachers, and curriculums that didn’t teach the students anything. She always made it sound like public school was a monster, populated by demons who would destroy my life if I ever stepped foot near it. I knew these stories weren’t true and that she was exaggerating for whatever reason, but after so many years of hearing them, it was hard to stop believing them.

We pulled into the parking lot of Fairfax High and I inhaled sharply. There were people everywhere. Cars filled the parking lot rapidly and people flowed like a river into the doors. Guys were giving high fives and girls were squealing as they rushed toward each other and hugged.

Jax parked and climbed out of the truck. When I didn’t move, he opened the door and peered in. “You coming?”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah.” I opened my door and climbed out of the truck, my heart pounding. Maybe my mom hadn’t been entirely wrong. A high pitched squealing assaulted me as Lindsey jumped on Jax and wrapped her arms and legs around him, kissing all over his face.

“I missed you so much,” she said.

Jax chuckled, which seemed to drive her even crazier. “I saw you yesterday, babe.”

“I know, but I missed you.”

“Linds, not in front of Will.” Jax didn’t like when Lindsey was overly affectionate in front of me. In fact, I got the feeling he had a love-hate relationship with her. When he was around her, he acted like he cared, but he often complained about her when she wasn’t around. Having never been in a relationship, I had no idea why he would keep getting back together with a girl who seemed to annoy him so much.

She huffed but climbed off Jax and put her arm around his waist. “Hey, Will.” Suddenly, she stood up straight and clapped rapidly, bouncing up and down. “Oh, my God. I know! You would be perfect for Stacey.”

Lindsey walked closer to me, running her fingers over my face and hair, looking me over like a show horse. Between her scrutiny and her closeness, I was incredibly uncomfortable. “You are absolutely adorable. A bit too clean-cut, but I have no doubt that you’re perfect for her.”

I looked over at Jax, wondering how to handle this. I hadn’t met any of Lindsey’s friends, and Jax had warned me to stay away from them. I knew I shouldn’t show interest, but I didn’t know what to do.

“Give him a break. It’s his first day. Let him get through a couple classes before you play matchmaker,” Jax said, smirking.

“Don’t ruin my fun.”

“I’m not. I’m only saying that you are clearly making him uncomfortable.” Jax chuckled.

“Fine.” She crossed her arms over her chest and sulked back over to Jax, who swung his arm over her shoulders and headed toward the building. I hurried to catch up.

“What homeroom are you in?” Jax asked.

Pulling my schedule out, I looked to see where I needed to head first. “Looks like I have English with Miss Hofft.”

“I’m in that class,” Lindsey said. “So is Stacey.” A smirk curled her lips.

“Linds, drop it.” Jax squeezed her tighter to him.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to. You’ve got that grin on your face that means you will clearly start something.”

“I’m not starting anything. I can introduce them and see what happens from there.”

Jax chuckled again and shook his head. He escorted Lindsey and me to class, then went to his own class.

The classroom looked like a sea of desks, most of which were already occupied. Lindsey grabbed my arm and dragged me toward the back of the room where a few empty desks remained. “Sit next to me. I have a few friends in this class. They’ll sit around us,” she said, smiling. She took her seat and pulled a notebook and pen from her book bag.

Two of Lindsey’s friends walked in after we were seated. Lindsey immediately leapt out of her seat and ran squealing toward them, wrapping them in hugs. The girls talked excitedly amongst themselves. I wondered if Lindsey squealed when she greeted everyone as I picked at a loose thread at the hem of my shirt, feeling awkward.

Looking around the classroom, I realized how out of place I was in my khakis and polo shirt. My mom wouldn’t let me wear anything other than khakis or black dress pants, saying jeans promoted bad behavior. All of my shirts were polos or dress shirts. My mom said I always had to be dressed nicely, nothing casual when outside of the house. She was very concerned with me appearing respectful and modest. Sitting in this classroom, I felt like a guppy in a sea of sharks. Everyone in the classroom was in shorts, skirts, or jeans and casual T-shirts. I should have taken Aunt Liv’s advice and gone shopping.

Lindsey walked back over with her friends. “This is Will Mathers. He moved in next to Jax. Will, these are my besties, Stacey and Emily.” The three of them had the same blonde hair and the same shirts on. They must have coordinated their first-day outfits. The only difference between them was their height and their eye color.

“Hey,” I said, feeling extremely awkward.

The girls looked over me like I was an outfit they were checking out at the mall. I hated the way they scrutinized me.

“He’s adorable. I just want to squeeze him,” Emily remarked.

Lindsey elbowed the blue-eyed girl. “I think you two would be perfect together.”

“I’m not really into the whole good boy thing, Linds,” she said. “I need a man, not a little boy. I’d probably make his virgin ears bleed.”

“I can see what you mean,” Lindsey said, tilting her head and narrowing her eyes at me. I felt like a piece of meat and wondered if they’d forgotten I was sitting right in front of them. Or that I was a person. The awkwardness I felt was quickly being replaced by annoyance and anger.

The bell rang and the girls took their seats. As class started. I tried to pay attention to the teacher as she introduced herself and handed out class material, but I felt like I was drowning in a sea of unbelievable anxiety. I hadn’t had high hopes of school going well, but I hadn’t expected to be inspected and picked apart either. I thought I would be able to float in a sea of anonymity.

That hope had dashed quickly.

My chest was tight and it was hard to breathe. I was sweating and the anxiety was crippling me as I rubbed my hands over my pant legs. Luckily, the bell rang and I was able to move around to try and forget it. I followed Lindsey and her friends out of the classroom and Jax was outside waiting for us. He swung his arm across Lindsey’s shoulder and kissed the side of her head.

“How’d it go?” Jax asked.

“Fine,” Lindsey answered.

Jax turned and looked at me, raising his eyebrows. I shrugged, so he turned back to Lindsey and listened as she talked with her friends.

The rest of my morning was eerily similar. My classes were always with either Jax or Lindsey, and Jax would meet Lindsey outside every one of her classes and we’d all make our way to the next class together. Anytime I had class with Lindsey, she would introduce me to even more girls and they would all inspect me and make comments about how adorable I was. It was unnerving.

At lunch I sat with Jax, Lindsey, and a group of their friends. Of course, the girls called me adorable and one even pinched my cheek. By the end of the school day, I was ready to crawl into bed and never get back out.

As soon as Jax and I were alone in his truck, he turned to me. “We need to give you a look overhaul.”

“What?” I tugged on my polo shirt.

“I heard about fifty girls call you adorable today. You want to be hot, sexy, fuckable, even cute is acceptable. Adorable is not. Adorable is permanent friend zone.”

“What is the friend zone?”

“Jesus.” He ran a hand through his hair. “The friend zone is where you don’t want to be. That’s where guys are put and they never get any.”

“And I want some?”

“Did no one teach you anything?” I shook my head. “Damn, this is going to be harder than I thought. By ‘any’ I mean getting anywhere with a girl from kissing to sex.”

I turned away, embarrassed. My parents would hate this conversation. My mom would tell me to not objectify women and make them all about their physical attributes. She told me repeatedly that sex was only meant between a man and a woman and only when they were bound by marriage and only when trying to create children. Any other time it was a sin. My dad stayed completely silent when my mom went on her anti-sex tirade. He looked as uncomfortable as I felt.

“Are you game, man?” Jax asked.

I blinked and turned back to Jax. “Game for what?”

“An image overhaul. We can go out and buy some new clothes and get you a haircut to get you out of the fucking friend zone.”

“I don’t know.” I felt like I was betraying my parents. Guilt rushed over me.

I was disappointing my parents on the first day of school.

I was forgetting all of the things they had ever told me.

“Let’s go to my house and talk to Ryanne. She’s smart as shit and I think it’ll help you. Not only in keeping you out of the friend zone, but it’ll help you feel like you fit in.”

I nodded and turned toward the window, not wanting to talk about it anymore. Jax backed out of the parking space and headed toward his house, I couldn’t shake the guilt coursing through me. I wanted to fit in and to experience friends, hanging out, girls, and one of the ways to accomplish that was to change how I dressed, but it felt wrong, like I was turning my back on my parents. I had done enough to them without forgetting them completely. The anxiety and sadness I had been battling all day was getting worse by the second.

I wasn’t sure how I could keep trying to fit in when I felt like such an unbelievable outsider and continued to struggle with everything my parents had taught me was truth.

Ryanne

I
WAS
GETTING
READY
FOR
CLASS
, when the front door opened and Jax and Will stomped up the stairs. When they walked passed my room, I said hello, so they stopped and came in my room. Jax flopped down on my bed, but Will stood awkwardly in the doorway.