The Everything Orgasm Book (30 page)

If you or your lover is experiencing pain with sex, it is important to stop any sexual behavior that is causing the pain. Continuing a sexual behavior when it is painful can cause you to become disinterested in that particular behavior and perhaps other sexual behaviors as well. Painful sex can also have a negative impact on your relationship. Only engage in sexual behaviors that feel good to both of you and seek medical attention to deal with any physical problems.

Early ejaculation, premature ejaculation, and rapid ejaculation all describe the problem of not having the amount of control you desire over your ejaculation. You may want to be able to delay ejaculation so that you can prolong intercourse or other sex play that requires an erection. It can be frustrating not to have control of the timing of your ejaculation.

Early ejaculation affects a lot of men at some point or other in their lives. It is very common in young men who are just beginning to explore their sexuality. It can also happen with men of any age, particularly if you have not had much sex recently, if you have performance anxiety, or if you are in some way challenged by your relationship dynamics. Fortunately, lack of ejaculatory control is rarely the result of a physiological problem.

Ejaculation control is a skill that can be learned. Mastery over your ejaculation is best gained by experimenting while self-pleasuring. Start by masturbating until you are close to orgasm. Carefully notice the sensations that tell you your orgasm is approaching. When you can identify these sensations, you know when you need to distract yourself or stop the stimulation if you want to delay orgasm. After you have mastered deciding when and when not to orgasm during masturbation, you can begin experimenting with a partner. The challenge then is to assert yourself in whatever way you need to control the stimulation you are receiving.

There are two simple ways to decrease your arousal when you feel orgasm may be approaching, self-distraction and the stop-and-start technique. In self-distraction, you mentally distract yourself from the pleasurable sensations. You can think of things that have a neutralizing effect on your arousal, keeping it in a holding pattern, or that actually have a counter-effect and decrease your arousal. This works to delay ejaculation for some. The stop-and-start technique involves stopping any genital stimulation before you reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability, taking a break and resuming stimulation until you approach that point again.

Other methods include the squeeze technique, wherein you squeeze the penis hard just below the glans for twenty to thirty seconds just before you feel you are about to come. Do this several times before you finally let yourself ejaculate. Doing pelvic floor exercises can also help significantly with ejaculatory control. If your PC muscle gets strong enough, you should be able to control ejaculation by simply squeezing it just before the point of no return. Yet another method is to desensitize your penis with the use of thicker condoms, two condoms, or desensitizing cream. The creams will also affect your lover, so make sure she is okay with that.

Men can have difficulty both getting and maintaining an erection. For many men, erections are a symbol of virility. It can therefore be very upsetting to be deprived of that potent feeling. If you have always had erectile difficulty, you may accept your circumstance more, although it may still be a source of anguish for you. If you only have difficulty occasionally, it may be very hard to adjust to when it happens. Some men have an easier time psychologically dealing with erectile difficulty, regardless of how or when they experience it.

There are many strategies for dealing with erectile difficulty on a physiological level. Some men use medication to help them achieve erection. For many, this is a fairly reliable way to obtain an erection. It comes with some risky and challenging side effects, however, such as headaches, visual impairment, and possible heart attack. Some men use devices such as penis pumps or cock rings. This also can lead to positive results without the same degree of risk as drugs. Some men, however, have an aversion to the use of such devices. They may prefer to deal with the problem psychologically.

Erectile difficulty is sometimes the result of a medical condition or aging, but the problem can also be psychological or interpersonal. Knowing the cause will help in assessing what kind of treatment may help. To figure this out, ask yourself whether the erectile difficulty happens primarily with a lover or if it also occurs during self-pleasuring. If everything works fine when you are self-pleasuring, then chances are the cause is emotional or interpersonal.

Interpersonal difficulties are common. Men often don't realize when their preconditions for having sex are not met. Most people need to feel comfortable with their partner for their bodies to perform naturally. Your mind might say yes to sex, but your body may not be ready if you do not feel emotionally safe. Lack of erection can be a sign that your mind and your emotions are in conflict. If you are having difficulties in your relationship, particularly with intimacy, you may want to see a couples' counselor who specializes in sexuality.

If the erectile difficulty occurs while self-pleasuring, there still could be an emotional cause. You may be unconsciously carrying around some shame about sex or you may have fears of being an inadequate lover. Unfortunately, erectile inconsistency can itself lead to performance anxiety. This anxiety can make getting an erection even more difficult. If you are experiencing this kind of negative spiral, it is important to get support. Stop and talk with your partner about how you feel and what you need. When you become more skilled at meeting your preconditions for sex, your sexual functioning is bound to go more smoothly.

T
here are orgasms and then there are
orgasms
. Many people are perfectly satisfied with their ordinary run-of-the-mill orgasms. They don't feel the need to ask if there could be something even more intense. Some erotic pioneers, however, have discovered erotic states of arousal that go beyond the kinds of experiences most people normally have with sex and orgasm. These new possibilities are yours to dive into and explore if you wish.

There is no reason why anyone should settle for just one orgasm when both men and women are capable of experiencing numerous orgasms within a single sexual encounter. Sometimes one good orgasm is all you need, but when there is more in you that wants to be released, then why not go for it?

Multiple orgasm is the experience of having two or more orgasms in succession without leaving the arousal phase. The intensity, number, duration, and distance between each orgasm can vary widely. To understand what multiple orgasms are, it is important to remember that one orgasm consists of many contractions. Do not confuse each contraction for an orgasm. There is a difference between having a long orgasm and having multiple orgasms. In multiple orgasms there is some buildup for each successive orgasm, much like the build up for your first orgasm, although it may take considerably less time.

Multiple orgasms are more common for women. Men, however, are also capable of experiencing successive orgasms. Becoming multi-orgasmic is simply a matter of practice. If you are determined and follow certain practices, you may be able to find your way there.

If you are a woman who relies on clitoral stimulation for orgasm, as most women do, let your clitoris rest as long as it needs to after your first orgasm. You can stimulate other parts of your body, or continue to engage in penetration for a while before going for your next orgasm. If your clitoris remains too sensitive, then you may need to back off of clitoral stimulation altogether and work on increasing your arousal in other ways. Once your clitoris will tolerate more stimulation, you can start in again. If you can pick up the thread of arousal you may find your way to orgasm again in a matter of minutes. But take your time; the more time you spend increasing your arousal, the more intense your orgasm is likely to be. Don't try to force it. This is just about your pleasure, what feels good to you.

If you are a man, being able to experience multiple orgasms requires that you learn to refrain from ejaculation. Essentially, you must separate your orgasm from your ejaculation. In order to do this you will need to intimately understand your body's sexual response and gain control over ejaculatory inevitability, or the point of no return. By strengthening your PC muscle and squeezing it really hard at the onset of orgasm, you can stop yourself from ejaculating while still allowing yourself to orgasm. Ejaculation is what initiates the refractory period. Thus, if you bypass ejaculation, you can maintain your erection and be able to continue having orgasms. This process can repeat until you are ready to allow your self to ejaculate. It takes a lot of self-discipline, but many men and their lovers have found it to be a very worthwhile practice.

More and more women are discovering the intense pleasures of the G-spot orgasm and female ejaculation. Some women find their way to these experiences by accident, simply the result of enjoying sex and doing what feels good. Other women hear about such experiences and then seek to create them for themselves, following the suggestions of the women who have gone there before. Many women who have experienced G-spot orgasm and female ejaculation proclaim that they are deeply satisfying and make for more enjoyable orgasms. This is often enough to make other women want to get in on the action.

A G-spot orgasm refers to an orgasm that results from the stimulation of the sensitive tissue of the G-spot, the area on the front wall of the vagina about one to two inches inside the vaginal canal. It is possible to stimulate the G-spot from the outside as well by putting pressure directly above the pubic mound. The G-spot is most likely to respond to stimulation once you are already significantly aroused. If you try stimulating it before you are turned on, it may feel sensitive in a way that is irritating. When stimulating the G-spot from inside the vaginal canal, making a come-hither motion with one or two fingers inserted should do the trick. You may also want to explore other kinds of stimulation to the G-spot, including vaginal penetration with a penis or sex toy.

Female ejaculation is the sudden release of fluids from the urethra during orgasm. Often it results from G-spot stimulation. The fluids released in female ejaculation are not urine. Laboratory analysis has shown that female ejaculate may have some of the same components as urine, but there is a significant difference in the composition.

The amount of ejaculate released and the way in which it is expelled from the urethra can vary tremendously. It can be as little as two drops or as much as two cups. The fluid may dribble out, gush out, or squirt and spray. Female ejaculation may occur with or without G-spot stimulation, but it usually requires a high state of arousal.

Certain foundational practices can assist you in your ability to ejaculate. Do your pelvic floor exercises to strengthen your PC muscle. You can also learn to play with erotic energy in your body, circulating it rather than expelling it. Learn to let it increase and build to greater and greater heights. Another foundational practice is to work on deepening intimacy and improving communication with your lover. Each of these things will support you in letting your waters flow.

Once you have done some of the foundational work, you can begin to play with the actual strategies for ejaculating. To prepare, lay down plenty of towels so you won't worry about making a mess. Make sure your bladder is empty before you attempt to ejaculate so you don't worry that you are just going to pee. Spend lots of time building arousal doing whatever activities get you the most turned on. Once you are really turned on, and your vagina and vulva are significantly engorged with blood, you or your lover can begin to stimulate your G-spot, either with fingers or a sex toy. When the G-spot is fully aroused and swollen, it will put pressure on the urethra and make you feel like you have to pee. This is your cue to relax into the sensation until you flood yourself with your own nectar. Once you have accomplished this gushing technique, you can practice pushing your PC muscle out, directing the fluid to squirt.

Some sex experts believe any woman can learn to ejaculate and some are doubtful. Many women have no interest in trying. Of those who try, not all are successful. The only way to know if you are capable of or would enjoy ejaculating is trying it. You can follow the practices mentioned here to help guide you. It will probably take some practice. Be sure to focus on increasing or expanding your pleasure. If you can accomplish that, you are doing great, whether or not you ejaculate.

A very powerful, highly erotic, and often feared sexual practice is that of power exchange, sometimes referred to as power play. Power exchange is a mutually consensual type of sexual role-play, wherein one partner has control or power over the other partner. There are many names and variations for this kind of play, including topping and bottoming, bondage and discipline, dominant and submissive, master and slave, and sadism and masochism. Power exchange may involve restriction of movement, sensory deprivation, psychological dominance, or inflicting strong sensation or pain. It may or it may not include any actual direct genital stimulation. Power exchange is sometimes acted out in what is known as a “scene,” a role-play scenario that is plotted out ahead of time, with all parties agreeing to the terms and conditions.

Surrendering to a power exchange is not for everyone. Most people like to feel like they have control of their own experience. They are reluctant to trust someone else to take charge, especially when it comes to such a vulnerable act as sex. However, for some, letting another take responsibility for their arousal is an extreme turn-on. It essentially allows them to do nothing but surrender to the experience and the sensations that come their way. People who engage in this kind of sex play often find that the arousal they build up during a scene can make for very powerful orgasms. Some scenes go on for quite some time, allowing for the arousal to build to very high states.

Power exchange can be very intense. The degree of trust and surrender that goes into giving your lover complete control can generate a tremendous feeling of vulnerability. Such strong feelings can heighten the sense of connection between the two of you. The person who has control often feels very powerful, having gained his lover's trust. But he may feel vulnerable too, because of his desire to perform well for his lover. The person who surrenders control often feels vulnerable because he is, to some degree, at the mercy of his lover. He may also feel powerful because he is brave enough to hand over control. Because of these dynamics, people engaging in power exchange often report very emotional experiences with orgasm.