The Everything Orgasm Book (24 page)

It is also possible for a man to put pressure on himself or feel pressure from his partner to engage in penetration and perform in a way that he doesn't feel ready to do, emotionally or physiologically. Contrary to some people's beliefs, men have preconditions for engaging in sex and are not always up for the task.

Ready to Receive Vaginal Penetration?

Although every vagina is unique, it generally takes a while for a vagina to be ready for penetration. Vaginas often need considerable foreplay and teasing before they are ready to be penetrated. If you are a woman, being adequately turned on for intercourse or penetration with an object means there is some natural lubrication and engorgement of the tissues of your vulva and vagina. The more turned on and aroused you are, the better the penetration will feel to you. Regardless of what is being used to penetrate your lover's vagina, keep this in mind: Pamper the vulva, and especially the clitoris, before moving into any form of penetration.

Ready to Receive Anal Penetration?

Being ready for anal penetration requires that you be relaxed. Your anus, especially, will need to be relaxed enough to enjoy the sensation of penetration. The anus often needs a fair amount of teasing and playing lightly around its opening before it is ready to open more. Never force anal penetration. Take your time and let the anus gradually open to the penetration. Take lots of deep breaths and focus on relaxing the tissues around your anus. Start small and work up to more. The more you engage in anal play, the more the anus will learn how to relax enough to receive penetration.

There are many more possible positions for penetration than most people venture to explore. You may have found a position that works for you and basically gets the job done. Hopefully this position works for your lover too! But why stop there? There are many reasons to explore new positions, including the following:

• Trying new positions can help get you out of a rut in your sex life.
  

• Exploring alternative positions may put you more into your body.
  

• You may discover new sensations because of the angles that different positions offer.
  

• You may find a position that significantly increases your arousal.
  

• You might discover a position that increases the likelihood of, or improves the experience of, your orgasms.
  

Whether you are engaging in a mutually stimulating form of penetration or a form in which only one of you is being stimulated, you can potentially find yourselves in any number of positions. The more free you feel in your body to explore different positions, the more likely you are to discover positions that really work for you. The following are some common positions for penetration, including some variations you can try. But don't stop there! Get creative and see if you can come up with some of your own.

The missionary position is by far the most common position for intercourse used around the world. This position can also be used for anal intercourse. In this position, the person being penetrated lies face up, and the one penetrating lies face down on top of the other. There are many variations of this, mostly related to how the person on the bottom places her legs. You can have your knees bent with your feet flat on the ground on either side of your male lover. Or your knees can be bent, legs separated and lifted into the air, or wrapped around your lover. Or one or both of your legs can lift on or over his shoulders or arms. The one penetrating can support himself with his arms, giving whatever amount of his weight works for you both.

The missionary position has the benefit of possible eye contact and the feeling of your vulnerable underbellies exposed to each other. In this position, you can also appreciate the visual of each other's faces and the front of your bodies. The one penetrating generally feels like he has a lot of control in this position to thrust and move his hips, enabling him to get the kind of penetration and stimulation that works best for him to achieve orgasm. If you like to be a passive recipient during penetration, the missionary position may work great for you. However, as the recipient, you can also rock and move your pelvis in a way that allows you to have some control of the stimulation being provided.

Play around with the variations at different stages of arousal to see what works when. As the person being penetrated gets more turned on and closer to orgasm, she will often want deeper penetration. For this, she may like the variation where her legs are up over her lover's shoulders or arms, which both tilts her pelvis at a nice angle and gives his penis greater accessibility to her vagina or anus.

Female-on-top positions for intercourse are those in which — you guessed it — the woman is on top. Of course, these positions could also be used for a man receiving anal penetration. The partner doing the penetrating lies face up. There are many ways for the recipient of penetration to position herself. She can lie on top, face up or down, straddle her lover with legs straight out on either side of his torso, or with knees bent and feet flat on either side of him in a squatting position. She can also rest on her shins in a kneeling position, facing either toward his head or feet.

There are many benefits of this position, particularly for certain variations. The recipient has more control over movement, and women have easy clitoral access. Both partners can gaze at each other, and hands are free for stroking each other's other erogenous zones. Women who like a lot of breast and nipple stimulation can benefit greatly from the variation in which she squats or kneels on top facing her lover. Also, the recipient does not actually have to be active in this position. She can be passive and allow her lover to move his pelvis underneath her.

Rear-entry positions are those in which the penetration comes from behind. These positions are very versatile and can be easily adapted to many forms of penetration. Whether you are lying face down on top of one another, on all fours while he kneels behind you, or both standing, this position offers an angle for penetration that really works for many people. You may find this position feels very natural and helps you get in touch with your animal essence. This position also lends itself well to the fantasy of taking — or being taken by — your lover.

Side-lying positions are those in which one or both of you are lying, in some shape or form, on your side. You can face each other or face the same direction in a rear entry position. He can be on his side facing you, while you lie on your back and out to the side, forming a T-shape and scissoring your legs with his, one leg between his and the other over his hips. These variations can give you a break from more strenuous positions, give you some new angle or penetration possibilities, and can be great for clitoral and other erogenous zone stimulation.

Seated positions for intercourse generally work only with the woman sitting on top of the man. They can be done in a chair, on a couch, in a bed, or on the floor. You can face each other or face the same direction in a rear-entry position. If you are facing each other in a chair without arms, she can dangle her legs off to the sides. If you are facing the same direction, he will probably need to slide forward on the chair a bit, and/or she will need to lean forward a little, in order for the position and angle of the penis to work.

Yab yum
, Tibetan for “father-mother,” refers to a seated position often used in Tantra. In yab yum, the male sits in a cross-legged position, and the female sits on top of him, facing him, also cross-legged, wrapping her legs around him. These positions can provide very good depth of penetration, interesting angles to play with, and a lot of skin-to-skin contact that can feel particularly delightful and intimate. It can be harder, however, to apply certain penetration techniques, given the limited range of motion the hips are capable of in these positions.

Standing positions are those in which one or both of you have your feet on the floor and are in an upright, vertical stance. They can be challenging, especially if you get weak in the knees, but they can also be tremendously fun and highly arousing. In order for this to be physically possible, your heights will have to be compatible, or one or both of you will need to be particularly acrobatic. Standing positions include both of you standing and facing each other, while he lifts one of your legs, or you wrap it around him. You can stand and lift her up as she wraps both of her legs around you, or you can stand on the floor and bend over a table as he enters you from behind.

The penetrative entry, regardless of who is penetrating whom, is something to pay attention to. Be present with the experience, for the sake of sensation and the emotional and energetic connection. Regardless of who is the active partner at the time of entry, that lover should move slowly and thoughtfully, thus creating feelings of emotional safety and trust.

With penis-vagina intercourse, moving slowly allows you both to fully experience the exquisite moment when your aroused genitals finally come into contact and begin to merge. Let this be a polite dance between your genitals, in which they are listening to each other intently to all the delightful and subtle pulsing and quivering that is going on. You both should sense that the vagina is very much inviting the penis in, rather than the penis just forcing its way in, or the vagina forcing its way around. The same should be true when using an object for vaginal penetration. The vagina should be inviting the object in.