The Everything Orgasm Book (11 page)

A really fun way to make your chart is to have a partner help you experiment. Ask him to touch you in various spots with different qualities of touch. What you both learn may make your sex play more enjoyable. Be sure to map your backside on a second sheet of paper.

Your brain is capable of making connections between erogenous zones, and you can enhance this potential with a little practice. Making erogenous zone connections is a concept championed by erotic pioneers Steve and Vera Bodansky, authors of
Instant Orgasm
. They train people to connect the arousal in their genitals to different parts of their bodies. Start by focusing on the arousal in your genitals. Then shift your attention to another part of your body. You can do this cognitively or with the help of touch. Your brain then begins to make associations between the new parts and your overall sexual arousal. You begin to open the channels and enhance the arousal potential of your more subtle erogenous zones. With enough practice, touching the various nongenital parts will signal arousal to your genitals, spreading your potential for pleasure throughout your body. Nifty trick!

The Body Map helps you diagram the areas of your body that give you erotic pleasure, and what kind of stimulation they like. The Arousal Flow Chart, on the other hand, helps you diagram a sequence of erotic stimulation that you either know or suspect could lead you to orgasm.

You may need to do some experimentation to make your arousal flow chart. The first step is to see what gets you started. Play around with the different types of stimulation on different areas of your body. Notice the areas that give you the most amount of erotic charge initially. You may discover that touching or rubbing your genitals really gets things going for you, or you may discover that light caressing all over your body helps you start to build an erotic charge. If you don't already know what has the potential to take you there, experiment and make mental notes about what order of stimulus seems to make you respond the most. Then write down a sequence that you believe would be pleasurable to you.

Here is an example of an arousal flow chart for a woman:

• Lightly caress the front of whole body for five minutes.
  

• Focus light caresses on belly, sides of body, chest and breasts, avoiding nipples for five minutes.
  

• Lightly caress face, ears, and neck for three minutes.
  

• Caress thighs, focusing on inner thighs and groin crease, avoiding genitals for five minutes.
  

• Caress whole body, focusing most on sides of body, breasts and nipples, neck, inner thighs, and groin crease for ten minutes.
  

• Focus caressing on inner thighs and groin crease, beginning to tease genitals lightly for five minutes.
  

• One hand applies lubrication to genitals using very gentle upward strokes, starting from the vaginal opening, across labia, up to clitoris. The other hand moves to stroking breasts and begins to squeeze and pinch nipples for five minutes.
  

• Begin making light circles and figure-eight motions across clitoris with a pointer finger, mixed in with slow sensual strokes up and down the sides of the inner labia, occasionally dipping fingers lightly into vaginal opening. With the other hand, focus more on nipples, add lubrication, encircle them with one finger, and pinch them for ten minutes.
  

• Gradually increase frequency and pressure of strokes to vulva, begin dipping fingers more deeply into vagina. Start rocking the pelvis. The other hand continues to play with the nipples for ten minutes.
  

• One hand now focuses completely on vaginal penetration, stimulating the G-spot with a thrusting action. The other hand alternates between clitoral stimulation and nipple stimulation-until orgasm!
  

There are endless possibilities for arousal flow charts. Each person may have her own unique version. Or you may have several different versions that all work well. If you have a sequence you know satisfies you, consider adding some creative variations. Variety can spice things up and prevent you from falling into a routine that loses excitement over time.

P
leasuring your body by yourself has two primary and exciting benefits. One is learning how to play your instrument better, without the pressure of performing in front of others. The other is the sheer enjoyment of the pleasure you can create for yourself. Whenever you are tired of delayed gratification, consider giving yourself whatever you want, right now. Every musician knows the value of practicing her instrument alone and the joy of playing solo.

Self-pleasuring
is the art of giving oneself sensual and erotic pleasure. It is used here in place of its synonym, masturbation. For many people, the term
masturbation
has a negative connotation, since it has long been a highly stigmatized activity in many cultures. For others, the term masturbation sounds too clinical. It may sound like something you do to merely release sexual tension. The term self-pleasuring, on the other hand, is broader, implying sensual as well as sexual enjoyment. Many people have come up with their own, often humorous, idioms for masturbation, from “spanking the monkey” or “choking the chicken” to “airing the orchid” or “teasing the kitty.” You may have your own unique expression for it. No matter what you call it, it is your birthright and there are many benefits to making it a practice in your life.

In the 1950s, Alfred Kinsey's studies on human sexual behavior showed that masturbation was a normal sexual behavior that most men and many women participate in regularly. Subsequent pioneers such as Lonnie Barbach, Betty Dodson, and Joseph Kramer have helped take masturbation, self-loving, and orgasms to a whole new level through books, videos, workshops, and individual coaching. Their work has been crucial in bringing sexual awareness and healing to the forefront of today's culture.

To some, the answer to this question may seem obvious, but there are actually many reasons that people self-pleasure. It is a worthwhile activity not only for the sake of achieving orgasm, although that may be the most common reason. The following are just a few of the reasons you may choose to engage in the act of self-pleasuring.

• Perhaps for you, self-pleasuring is a way to relieve sexual tension. You may feel a sexual tension building inside you that needs periodic release. This may be simply a byproduct of your body's natural sex drive. Accumulated sexual tension might also be a result of exposure to something you find sexually stimulating, an image or an interaction with someone who turns you on. Self-pleasuring for this reason is about following an internal impulse.
  

• You may not experience the build-up of erotic energy on its own, but you may want to feel more sexual pleasure in your body. You may self-pleasure as a way to build arousal and enjoy more pleasurable erotic sensations. In this case, you may or may not choose to complete your self-pleasuring with an orgasm.
  

• You may self-pleasure as a way to help you relax or sleep better. Orgasm can have a highly sedative effect on the body. It is often used as a sleep aid. It is much healthier than using pharmaceutical medications and much more enjoyable than counting sheep.
  

• Self-pleasuring can help you learn about your sexuality. It's a great way to experiment and figure out what works for you. If you have difficulty with early ejaculation, you can work on prolonging arousal through masturbation. If you have difficulty with orgasm, you can experiment with different sequences and intensities of stimulation, or with different fantasy scenarios. Self-pleasuring can help you discover what your sexual needs are so that you can communicate those needs in sexual encounters with others.
  

• Self-pleasuring offers you autonomy over your sexuality. You are less dependent upon others when you know you can take matters into your own hands. Self-pleasuring allows you to stay sexually active when you don't have a lover or when your lover is unavailable. If you have a lover who has a less frequent interest in sex than you, masturbation can help reduce potential power struggles over how often you have sex.
  

• Finally, self-pleasuring can give you energy, make you feel sexy and beautiful, and make you appreciate and love your body more. It can be a way to honor and love and worship yourself, body and soul.
  

Many people feel guilty when they masturbate. This unfortunate phenomenon is usually the result of the sex-negative messages espoused by religious or other cultural influences. Serious masturbation guilt sometimes has devastating psychological consequences, including suicide. In particular, young men with strong natural biological urges may become distraught and psychologically conflicted if they are taught that masturbation is shameful.

There are many myths about masturbation being bad for your health. In the Victorian era, the medical profession joined forces with the moralists of the day, condemning masturbation as an activity to be feared. It was believed to be detrimental to one's physical and mental health, capable of causing a plethora of problems in the young and old. A variety of methods, many of which were quite absurd and even torturous, were invented at this time to prevent children and adults from masturbating. No wonder people today still have a hard time admitting that they masturbate!

In ancient times, it was believed that a man had only a limited supply of sperm. This sperm was considered to contain a man's life force. Therefore, masturbation was thought to deplete his life force and was therefore not considered to be a healthy activity. Even today, some Taoist practices that are becoming popular in the West train men to orgasm without ejaculation, so as not to deplete their life force. While there is nothing wrong with learning this practice, there is no medical evidence that semen contains a man's life force. Even though modern science and medicine know better, there are still people who believe masturbation to be harmful to their health.

Contrary to the myths, modern science and medicine find that masturbation is actually good for your health for many reasons. For starters, masturbation is the safest sex you can have. You need not worry about catching any colds or diseases from yourself. Self-pleasuring helps relieve tension and stress in the whole body. This can positively affect the immune system. Masturbation can help to alleviate menstrual cramps in women. It can take away headaches and it helps keep the muscles of the pelvic floor toned, which can help prevent urinary incontinence as you age. All these benefits come with no proven negative side effects.

There is no right or wrong way to get it on with yourself. Remember, you are your own authority when it comes to your sexuality! Where you do it, why you do it, and how you do it, is all up to you and you alone. Let yourself try new things. When you are alone, no one can judge you or hold you back, so play, explore, and have fun with yourself!

Where you choose to make your own sweet music is up to you.

First of all, there is nothing that says you need to be lying in a bed while self-pleasuring. This is often the safest and most comfortable place people think of to masturbate or have sex, but it is not necessarily the most erotic or exciting. Don't limit yourself! You are free to self-pleasure wherever you feel comfortable and safe and are not likely to offend anyone. So try different places: your kitchen or bathroom, a hallway, or somewhere out in nature, if you are sure you won't be seen.

Many people enjoy some visual stimulation during the act of self-pleasuring. Viewing erotic images can help spark up your arousal level. Men are known for using erotic magazines or videos more for this purpose, but many women also indulge in erotic imagery to help with arousal. Unfortunately, some aspects of pornography may turn you off as much as others turn you on. If so, choose a media that works well for you and leave the rest behind. Whether you use mental imagery, fantasy, erotica, or pornography, you should not feel ashamed. Images of people being sexual are naturally arousing.

Touching yourself well is perhaps the greatest gift you can give yourself. It is a gesture of self-love that will help create a positive feedback loop for your body and mind. Offer your body the attention it deserves and it will offer you more pleasure. In addition, the more you touch yourself, the more you learn what touch feels good to you, and the more you can tell your lover what you like.

Reaching orgasm is a real challenge for some people. In general, women tend to struggle with this more often than men. If you are pre-orgasmic (have not yet experienced orgasm) or just find that you are challenged in this area, then self-pleasuring may be your key to unlocking the mystery. Spend a lot of time with the exercises in this chapter. It may take two hours or more of self-caressing, direct stimulation, and fantasy exploration to discover your full sexual response. The trick is persistence, an open mind, and a willingness to be creative while staying focused on pleasurable sensations in your body. Unless there is a medical reason preventing it, you can orgasm if you give it enough time and attention.

Self-pleasuring has the potential to be much more than just getting off. There is a time and place for the simple and quick release of sexual tension. Sometimes, however, you might choose to go for more than that. Why not give yourself the gift of an erotic ride that will nourish you, inspire you, and make you feel more alive? Self-pleasuring is an art, a great art. And you are the artist capable of creating your own ecstatic collage of feelings and sensations.

You may have already figured out a way to masturbate that brings you significant arousal and helps you achieve orgasm. However, there are undoubtedly things that you have not yet considered or tried. The following suggestions for stimulating your genitals can help you add to an expanding repertoire.