The Everything Orgasm Book (9 page)

Although the sexual response cycle is laid out as a progression of bodily events, there are actually many different systems working together simultaneously. These systems are intricately woven together, responding to cues and messages sent between them to keep the process of arousal moving along. The body systems involved in sexual arousal and orgasm are the nervous system, the cardiovascular system, the exocrine glands, the muscular-skeletal system, and the endocrine system.

Sexual response is initially triggered by your nervous system perceiving some form of erotic stimulation, either mental or physical. Physical stimulation may be sensations of touch on or near your erogenous zones, be it either the genitals or some other sensitive part of your body. Mental stimulation may come in the form of erotic thoughts or fantasy, or it may involve mentally focusing on your erogenous zones and the possibility of pleasurable sensations there.

The nervous system responds in multiple ways to this sensory or mental input. The neural impulses communicate with all the other systems in the body. The brain tells certain hormones to begin flowing, certain muscles to begin tightening, and certain glands to begin secreting. Most of this communication is involuntary, like a reflex, and not in your direct control.

The stages of the sexual response cycle involve a steadily increasing activation of the sympathetic nervous system. This involuntary part of the nervous system is what prepares a person for intense activity. Activation of the sympathetic nervous system increases heart rate, breathing rate, blood pressure, and muscular tension, among other effects.

The counterpart of the sympathetic nervous system is the parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system prepares the body for rest and relaxation. It slows the heart rate and breathing rate and decreases blood pressure and muscle tension.

The intensity of orgasm is partly a result of the dramatic shift in the nervous system that occurs during orgasm. Suddenly, the sympathetic nervous system is deactivated and the parasympathetic nervous system is triggered. Such a dramatic shift in the nervous system results in some of the extraordinary sensations associated with orgasm: simultaneous excitement and release. It also accounts for the peaceful states people often experience after orgasm.

Several body systems engage in positive feedback loops as sexual excitement increases. One example of this is vasoconstriction. The brain, in response to some initial stimulation, may tell the cardiovascular system to restrict blood flow out of the genital area. The brain then senses the resulting engorgement as a new source of sexual stimulation. This induces it to direct the veins to constrict even further to maximize the engorgement of sexual tissue.

Another example of a positive feedback loop involves the muscular-skeletal system. Initial stages of arousal result in subtle muscle contractions in the pelvic area. The increased muscular activity heightens sensation in the pelvis, which then feeds the brain with a wealth of sensory stimulation, which in turn focuses the brain on the body and away from distracting thoughts. This increasing stream of sensory input to the nervous system helps create the cascading effect of increasing arousal, potentially leading to orgasm.

Finally, the endocrine system and the nervous system interact in positive feedback loops as well. Researchers have not yet uncovered all the details of the interplay between hormones and the brain, but they do know that certain hormones can increase or decrease the threshold for the excitation of nerves. Thus, the hormones that the brain directs the gonads (the ovaries and testes) to release end up affecting the type of information the brain subsequently receives. In other words, sexual stimulation results in the release of hormones that keep the brain even more focused on sex.

When you have sex, there's a lot going on behind the scenes. The specific sexual organs are each doing their job. The larger systems of your body are interacting with each other. Each sensation or event builds on the previous ones in a response cycle that may ultimately lead to orgasm. While many of the details of these bodily functions are not consciously directed, it can be helpful to understand the whole picture. Your body is an amazing and complex instrument, inherently capable of great pleasure.

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our body is truly a remarkable instrument, capable of astounding erotic pleasure. The more you accept and appreciate all of the feelings, thoughts, and sensations that make up your erotic nature, the more pleasure you will be capable of experiencing. Unfortunately, past experiences or social conditioning may have shut down a part of your sexual aliveness. Openly exploring your own body and your fantasies is a great way to reclaim your inherent right to all of the pleasure your body has available for you.

Sexual self-acceptance means being okay with the sexual thoughts, fantasies, images, and sexual behaviors that turn you on. Accepting your sexual self is key to allowing arousal and orgasms to move through your body, and to more fully enjoy your erotic potential. Consider the perspective that anything you do, think, or feel to provide yourself with erotic pleasure that does not harm anyone is inherently acceptable. Claim the freedom to enjoy whatever fantasies your mind may have. Open yourself to the pleasure of touch anywhere your body might enjoy it.

In sexual self-acceptance, you embrace your sexuality and identify yourself as the only true authority on your sexuality. Each person's sexuality is a unique combination of all human sexual possibilities. There is no reason to give anyone the power to define what is supposed to be true for you in regard to your sexual needs and desires. Of course, you may not always get your way in any given sexual encounter. Your inherent right to your desires does not mean you can impose them on others without their consent. It does mean, however, that you need never feel wrong or bad for wanting what you want, or for getting turned on by whatever turns you on. You deserve to be proud of your unique sexuality.

You may find that accepting your sexual self is easier in concept than in reality. If so, you are definitely not alone. In most cultures, everyone is exposed to some level of shame about sex. If you find that you judge yourself or worry about yourself for having particular sexual desires or fantasies, it may be worth your while to take a closer look at where these judgments come from.

There are many reasons why you may have difficulty accepting your sexual self. These reasons usually stem from negative messages about sexuality that you got from your family, religion, or a particular culture. Other self-judgments could spring from negative past sexual experiences. You may question your desirability to others. Maybe you do not feel deserving of erotic pleasure. Or perhaps you received very little touch or physical affection as a child, leaving you uncomfortable with touch or physical pleasure even as an adult. It could be that your sexual desires scare you because they are taboo. Whatever the reasons, it may benefit you to do some self-exploration and re-evaluation of some of your attitudes and beliefs about your sexuality.

Early Negative Sexual Experiences

Your first sexual experiences can have a tremendous impact on how you feel about your sexual self. Were your first experiences consensual? Were you judged or shamed? Did you enjoy yourself? Did you have to hide or be secretive? These factors may all influence your feelings about sex, for better or for worse. Fortunately, if you do have painful memories from your sexual past, you do not have to let them continue to interfere with your enjoyment of sexuality today. You can explore and understand the circumstances that surrounded the negative event. In doing so, you can take the power away from any negative memories. Look to your partner, a good friend, or a therapist to assist and support you in this process.

Negative Messages Pertaining to Sex

From the time you were young, you received messages about sexuality. Unfortunately, many of them were probably negative. It could be that sex was simply never discussed, implying that sex is not something to be talked about. Or perhaps you were told not to touch yourself down there. Most children are raised to believe that sex is dirty and that their genitals are something to avoid. Some are even taught that masturbation is a sin.

As you got older, you were probably exposed to many judgments about specific sexual behaviors. Fear is the root of most of these judgments. The people espousing such negative messages are usually afraid of unbridled sexuality. They may even be afraid of their own sexuality. Thus they seek to repress everyone's sexuality as a way to try to have mastery over their own. If any judgments from others are affecting your enjoyment of your body, perhaps it makes sense to question the motivations of the people who have offered those judgments.

Feeling Undesirable

You may suffer from low sexual self-esteem and feel undesirable. This can greatly affect your sexual self-acceptance. If you can't believe that someone could find you sexually attractive, then you may not accept your sexual urges or feelings, because you are afraid that you will never be able to satisfy them. You may need to do some personal growth work, perhaps with the help of a therapist, in order to begin to increase your sense of desirability and accept your erotic feelings.

Touch Deprived

If you did not receive much touch or affection as a child, you may later feel very uncomfortable with any kind of touch, including sexual affection. Or you may be comfortable with sex but uncomfortable with lots of touch during foreplay. All humans need physical touch to feel safe and connected. People who spurn affection leave this need tragically unmet in themselves. If you did not get much or any touch, you could benefit from doing some healing work in this area. Body-oriented psychotherapy and massage are both good ways to begin to address this issue.

Fear of Sexual Urges, Feelings, and Desires

Sexual urges and feelings are some of the most powerful feelings we can experience as human beings. They can be scary. They are a force to be reckoned with. You may be afraid that you will not be able to control your urges. Or you may be afraid of your desires simply because you do not understand them. Whichever the case, take a close look at the underbelly of your desires. Face the fears directly. Often by looking more closely, with self-reflection or research, you can alleviate your fears. Talking with a close friend, a clinical sexologist, or a sex therapist is a good way to get some support.

Who are you sexually? Your arousal map is the constellation of the things that turn you on. It contains all the fantasies and activities you find sexually arousing. Following this map can lead you to orgasm. Your arousal map is unique. You come into life with a particular genetic blueprint. You are raised by a particular family. You are exposed to particular attitudes, habits, and values in a specific community full of its own rules and expected behaviors. As you grow, you have unique experiences and you try to make sense of it all. You start to define your own identity, which may or may not be aligned with your family and community.

Part of your personal identity is your sexual identity, your arousal map. How do you define yourself as an erotic being? Here are some questions that will help you gain more understanding of your unique arousal map:

• When have you felt the most desire or pleasure?
  

• What places, times of day, or partners have aroused you the most?
  

• How is your current sexual life similar to or different from your past sexual life?
  

• What things currently increase or decrease your desire?
  

• What is the perfect erotic situation for you?
  

Exploring Sexual Thoughts and Feelings

One way to start exploring your body's response to sexual stimulation is by examining your sexual thoughts and feelings. Some say that the mind is the most erogenous zone of all. Some people report being capable of having an orgasm solely through fantasizing, without any accompanying physical stimulation. If you haven't been using your mind to help get you turned on, then you should consider giving it more focus. This is particularly true if you have any difficulty sustaining arousal or achieving orgasm. Sexual thoughts and feelings come in many forms. Here are a few:

• Being in love or lust and thinking about the object of your desire.
  

• Mental images of something or someone that turns you on. Fantasies of something erotic happening to you.
  

• Fantasies of witnessing something erotic.
  

• Anticipating sexual touch by yourself or another.
  

• Anticipating a sexual encounter with someone you lust after.
  

Many people inhibit their sexual thoughts and fantasies out of fear. As long as you are able to clearly differentiate fantasy from reality, your sexual thoughts and feelings will not get you into trouble. Actual sexual behaviors, on the other hand, do need careful consideration so that you stay safe and do not endanger others. You may find yourself getting turned on by thoughts or fantasies that you know better than to pursue in reality. This is completely normal. It is very common to get aroused by taboo scenarios or even patently unsafe behaviors. Just because the idea of something turns you on, it does not mean you will ever want or feel compelled to act it out. It is important to remember that when you fantasize, you are not harming yourself or others, so you have a right to enjoy whatever your mind comes up with.

If you find that a fantasy of yours creates icky feelings, you will need to address this so that the uncomfortable feelings won't diminish your sexual arousal. One option is simply to try to avoid focusing on any distressing fantasies. There are limitless ways to become aroused, and if one isn't working for you, you may be able to shift your focus to find another. Bringing your attention to physical sensations might help. Or you might actively create a fantasy that is more comfortable for you.

If you find that you cannot get comfortable with certain fantasies that turn you on, then you may benefit from exploring your uneasiness with a sex therapist. Such exploration may help you get to the root of your discomfort. This might enable you to more easily enjoy the eroticism your fantasies can provide for you. Alternatively, you may discover something in your self-exploration that changes the troubling fantasy or its power to turn you on.